Long post.
I’m feeling so uncertain about my relationship with my husband. We’ve been together for over 10 years, dating since high school, and married for just over a year. During our relationship, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, which I know has taken a toll on him. I try to manage it, but it still affects us.
One of the biggest issues has always been communication. He often tells me he struggles with my lack of communication and how I distance myself emotionally, especially when things aren’t going well. I’m aware of these things, and I work on improving my communication, but I also notice that when I feel like we’re stuck and going nowhere, I pull away. We’ve tried working through our different communication styles, but it just doesn’t seem to click for him. He still can’t read me, and I feel like no matter how much I explain myself, it doesn’t sink in. Its not that I feel I refuse to change who I am to fit what he needs... it feels like I accommodate where I can, it doesnt go anywhere, and then I distance myself following that which causes friction between us.
A small example: one night, he asked me if I wanted to shower first or if I want him to shower first. I said, “You can shower first.” But he kept insisting, “No, I need to know what you WANT. Phrasing matters.” It was frustrating because a lot of the times I just don’t know what I want. That’s a small moment, but it captures a lot of the tension around how we communicate.
Lately, I’ve had a lot of negative feelings towards him. We recently moved back to the city for his job, which at the time we both agreed was a good move. But it’s been hard for me—leaving a job I loved (even though I had my reasons), adjusting to a new job that doesn’t feel the same, and now we’ve had to move back in with his parents to save for a house. It’s hard to lose that sense of independence. We also had to put our cat down, and it’s just been one thing after another since moving here.
Heres an issue that happened tonight. I was feeling ill throughout the day, and I told him before bed that I was “feeling cranky" which I often say to give him a heads up. Earlier in the day, I’d texted him about how unsure I was feeling about my job, and that I was feeling sick. When I went to bed, he just lay there with his eyes closed but not necessarily trying to sleep. He does this often. I’ve told him before that I dont like it when he does that. He says he does it because his eyes are tired and that he doesn’t like when he can see me staring blankly. Rather than just lie there, I told him he could read his book. We ended up not talking for two hours. Eventually, I got up, saying I was going to sleep on the couch. I just feel so alone when these things happen, even though he’s right there. He insisted I sleep in bed, but I ended up on the couch. It upsets me that he didn’t check on me, but this is how it goes whenever there’s tension.
TLDR Sometimes, I feel like I don’t love him anymore. There are times I want him to leave me. I'm scared to be the one to leave, but I could see myself going there. I feel like we’ve both settled. In the last while, it seems like I feel more negative emotions towards him than positive. He often says he doesn’t know what I’m thinking or feeling, so he ends up guessing, and more often than not, he feels that he's wrong. On my end, I try to communicate what I can, but it never seems to get across, and so I distance myself more.
I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Do you think we’re doomed? Can a relationship survive when communication about the important things has been as difficult as they have been, and the emotional connection is slipping away?