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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So lost

2 replies

AmIaBadpartner · 20/11/2024 19:34

My partner (F42) and I (F29) have been together for a few years now. Her kids are now grown and have moved out so I have become the focus of her life. I know I should feel great about, she loves me very much and I love her. But, instead I feel so much pressure to make her happy. We have had issues because she wants my constant attention. It started with my family, making comments about how often I see them or talk to them. To the point that I have tried to cut time with them. I no longer hangout with my friends alone because she always tags along. I have nothing to hide but I want to be able to spend time away from each other sometimes. The other day we had some errand to run with my mom, she decided to stay thinking I would be back soon. It turn into a couple hours thing and when I got back she was very upset that I had left her alone for HOURS. She then made a comment about her hoping I was happy because she dedicates her life to make me happy. Well I’m not, I feel asphyxiated by her sometimes. I personally don’t think it’s healthy that I am all she has or cares to have. She always wants me to come when she hangs out with her friends but I refuse not because I don’t like them but because I want her to get the hit that is ok for us to have friends and hangout with them without taking each other every time. I want her to have a life outside of our relationship but I am afraid to tell her she needs to find a hobby or something because I know it will hurt her feelings. I have insinuated couples therapy or is going to therapy separately. I’m sure we both can benefit from it but mostly her. Am I wrong for feel this way?

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 20/11/2024 19:48

This clingy behaviour isn't healthy and it's stiffling. It may be that she's feeling rather lost that her children are grown up and no longer need her. You have tried to drop hints but this clearly hasn't worked.You need to sit her down, have a proper, calm conversation with her and explain how you feel. She may not realise how suffocating her behaviour is being. Yes, she may be upset but this situation can't carry on as it is. You are entitled to spend time without her and see your family and friends. Suggest couples counselling to her. Unfortunately, if nothing changes, you may need to call time on the relationship.

username358 · 20/11/2024 20:00

The solution is to speak to her about her behaviour and explain how it makes you feel. Encourage her towards independence and even therapy to help with her neediness.

If you can't speak to her, then there's no point continuing the relationship. It's not possible to have a relationship with someone you can't solve problems with.

If nothing changes after the discussion then there's your answer as the situation is untenable.

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