Need some help to get over this

[otherendoftheworld]

Hi, first time posting here. I've really struggled with having anyone to talk to and I'm really hoping for some advice on how to move forward, or to tell me me feelings are actually valid, or even just a slap around the face 🙃

I'm early 40s, partner early 50s. We've been together a few years though its been up and down and on and off for various reasons such as communication styles, attachment styles, never because we don't care about each other or don't want to be together. The biggest break we had was around 9 months, I honestly didn't think we'd get back together but I hadn't managed to move on either. I had tried a couple of dates but I just wasn't feeling it.

We got back in touch a few months ago, he insisted he'd done work on himself and could see our issues, hadn't been able to get over me and desperately wanted to give it another go. Within this conversation he told me that he'd slept with someone a couple of times but realised it wasn't fair on this person or what he wanted as he wasn't over me. I was devastated. I know he didn't cheat on me, but my soul felt like he had. I wasn't sure if giving it another go was the right thing to do at that particular time as I was still struggling with hurt from our relationship, plus processing that he'd slept with someone, but he said all the right things and was calling me all the time and we fell into giving another go.

He still sees the person he had sex with fairly regularly, he assures me there is nothing to it, it's just one of those situations where their paths cross as he uses her place of work and I understand this to a point. Last time I asked he had not told her we were back together as he said it would be irrelevant to her and weird to bring it up which I also do understand.

I know he didnt cheat, but it feels like he did and I just can't seem to move on. My thoughts go off to the two of them and it's killing me.

He sometimes suffers with ED and this has been particularly bad recently. It had come up in conversation before that he did not have this issue with her. This is also killing me.

I have a vivid imagination and so I have not asked for any info on their encounter other than if they used protection. It was a one time conversation about the sex although we have had another conversation on their paths crossing and how that makes me feel, initially he was empathetic, but when I told him that it felt disrespectful to our relationship for him to still see her, he was very defensive and my feelings weren't the focus of the discussion any longer.

In hindsight I wish I'd allowed myself time to process it before getting back with him, as processing it while being with him is so hard.

I dont know if I'm being irrational. I feel irrational. I feel embarrassed for feeling this way and embarrassed for being back with him after he slept with someone. I'm sure I want to be with him, but not sure how to move past this.

I would feel the same. But I think the bigger issue really is your on and off pattern. Are you certain you want another go on that merry go round?

I would feel the same. Whilst you were not together at the time it makes you feel as if he was very quick to move on…

The on/ off nature of the relationship doesn’t sound good. Do you really think this is a relationship to make you happy?

Probably time to let go of him OP?

I’ve felt like this when I got back with someone and they had been with someone else in between. It was also an on off relationship.

Honestly, I think it was just because I felt I’d let myself down going back there in the first place having spent 6 months getting over it. I was finding another reason to walk away maybe.

There doesn’t sound there is much joy in this relationship at all.
As for him telling you the ED wasn’t a problem with the other person, I think that is really, really upsetting.
He doesn’t sound like he’s done much work on himself at all.
You are only early 40’s you’ve jumped back into this, I think it would be a good idea to jump back out.
Start afresh and hopefully meet someone you can make new memories with without this baggage.

Well, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. 😢

I've tried to move on. It hasn't worked. Something pretty bold is keeping us together.

Something pretty bold is keeping us together.

If that was true you wouldn’t have an on and off dynamic. You would have committed to each other like most people do. Just because you are attatched doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Which one of you is responsible for the push and pull?

Him to start with, the last time which I thought was the final break up was me - we'd gotten back together and the only way I could forgive him running away again was to take my level of effort down to match his, which left me feeling pretty empty as you can imagine. I'm usually an all in person.

He has made some changes this time around, I can see it and I can feel it. I'm just worried it's too late now and I'm already hardened with one foot out the door. It doesn't help that he is often careless with his words, and very defensive.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it's really hard to read but all stuff I need to hear.

I'm sorry I don't really get the hurt about the other woman. You dumped him and It was a nine month break. He had a couple of encounters....it sounds completely natural. I'm not sure it's reasonable to dump someone then expect them to stay celibate indefinitely?

That said, I agree with others - it doesn't sound like a great relationship before then or after. If he has changed for the better and didn't break your trust..... and you were the one who dumped him, and now are only half in and half out, and can't get over something despite him not doing anything wrong.... then it sounds like it's you that is most ambivalent. Listen to yourself and think about moving on to something that has more potential to make you happy? Either that, or if you truly assess him to be a good partner, then you need to find a way to stop getting in your own way?

Oh hun he has you exactly where he wants you.

He is not telling the other lady date because she is, or you are, the back up plan.

Great for his ego too.

Stop pandering to this man child. He does not respect you.

Of course he will tell you that sleeping with her felt off or whatever, he will tell you what he knows will work on you to get you in the place he needs you. Get me?

He is not a good man. However, You are a good person so stop this nonsense or you will miss out on good mental health and balance, and miss out on a good man who will never want to rattle with your head.

Your feelings are valid, and never ever allow someone who is in and out of your life to tell you otherwise. Now get that phone up, delete his number and block him. Then give yourself time to heal this wound. Whatever he is telling you to your face, via message is to keep you where he needs you for his comfort.

Behaviour is a language.

Sometimes, two people can love each other but it doesn't mean that you should be together. You've given this a relationship a really good go and it still isn't working. I do realise how devastating it is but I think the time has come to let go.

Thanks, I hear you.

I didn't expect him to stay celibate and I didn't expect us to get back together. He told me about the encounter at the same time as telling me he wanted to give it another go, couldn't move on etc. I think if I'd heard about him being with someone new I would have processed it and that would have been that. Maybe that would have been what i needed to hear in order to move on myself. I really struggled to get over him in those 9 months.

I dont know why I feel the way I do about it. I wish I didn't. I think its more that he is still in touch with her, and he didn't have ED with her and I just feel so torn up by it.

The avoidant dance is one of control. Forget what you might have heard about such people having trust issues and being afraid of being hurt. It’s controlling and toxic and the cruel discards and shut downs will take their toll.

What is his plan going forward to deal with his limp dick?

Thank you. I think this and some of the things other posts have said are what I'm afraid of, and not just in regard to this issue. But I also on the other hand belive him. I just wish I could 100% know the truth. I'd hate to think I was throwing away something that could be wonderful if I could surrender to it.

Do you think this is something people consciously do? Or that it comes from their own previous trauma as a protection mechanism? I think I've excused a lot of behaviours because I believe it to be trauma based. This is the first relationship where I've been so forgiving and didn't just assume the man was a waster.

ED - He doesn't handle it very well in the moment. He's had some bloods taken which didn't show anything. He's trying diet changes and exercise.

OP I think you know in your gut that this relationship is toxic.

The only thing keeping you together is some sort of trauma bond. It is not written in the stars, he is just a man. I think you need to be honest with yourself about the dynamics of the relationship - the off/on is concerning. A relationship really should not be this hard.

Don’t hang on for potential, you have to take someone completely as they are and not who they “could” be, because people very rarely change.

I am sorry you’re going through this, you sound really lovely. Maybe look into therapy to process everything and help you make a decision.

Been where you are. On and Off for years. When it was good it was great. It wasn't awful in the other bits.
But the pattern was SO ingrained. The first time we split getting back together was so exciting and that became the pattern. The best of us for a while and then it would wane.
We do have a connection and are still friends somewhat. He'd do it all again but I just can't so I am holding very firm.
Just take care of yourself is my only advice

The bigger issues is the 'on/off' pattern to your relationship. Unless all issues that keep splitting you up are resolved, then you will just continue down this path. If you feel you want to give things one last go, then seek couples counselling. In my experience relationships that are 'on/off' rarely work in the long-term, because essentially you are incompatible. There are only some elements that gel in the relationship and the rest is messy. All this 'on/off' sounds exhausting to me, and it's clearly not working otherwise you'd be committed to each, and not constantly breaking-up.

It all sounds exhausting.

I think you might benefit from this book:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

lt goes into detail about on/off relationships.

Do you think this is something people consciously do? Or that it comes from their own previous trauma as a protection mechanism? I think I've excused a lot of behaviours because I believe it to be trauma based

I think it’s something people with trauma subconsciously do and I think it’s something covert narcissists and controlling people deliberately do. It’s nice to have the upper hand and control the emotional temperature.

Whatever is causing it, it’s not working for you.

I've ordered, thank you.

Thanks everyone 🙏