Does anyone else have a child who tells you they hate their father but when with him she is too scared to actually say anything to him and just has a nice time?

[Sharletonz]

DD is nearly 7. She's going through a really hard time where overnight contact with her father broke down because she was traumatised going and would become extremely distressed. Returning to court overnights were suspended and day contact was to be built up. During the break in contact I made it explicitly clear to DD that she will be seeing her father again and this is now approaching this weekend.
DD tells me all the time she hates him and doesn't want to stay. He is abusive so I understand this. However, I've tried to be vocal for her yet when she meets with social workers or cafcass all she says is that she's scared of staying over as she misses me too much. With me, she'll list every reason why she hates him and the horrible things he says and does and she's also done this with her headteacher but her stance is neutral of course.

I of course let her vent to me and try my best to validate her feelings without criticising him too. I've explained to her that whatever happens we'll make the best of it and when she's older she'll get a say in the matter. I've also tried to tell her that her dad is trying to be in her life and is making that effort.
.. Whatever his motive is.

I'm at a loss as to what else to do. Professionals won't listen to me. How do I get her to tell the people who matter how she feels?

Bumping

i'm not sure what you are asking i would say that's normal isn't it? why would she tell him, she would be too scared to surely?

My grandchild hated staying over at their father's - it was only once a month from about 4 yrs old but the whole family dreaded them going even though they never said they wouldnt go. The new wife belittled them, gave them cheap food while the new child got decent takeaways, poked fun at their weight, their cheap clothes etc, etc. The father joined in and never defended them. My darling grandchild has just turned 16 and has refused to go and stay ever again (they thought that legally they had to wait until 16 to have a choice!!!). I'm so proud of them but feel upset at the hurt and verbal abuse they suffered over the years. Please never make a child go and stay in an abusive household - the middle of the night is a dark and lonely place. Perhaps short visits? I know it's not easy to put in place ......x

I am not sure why you are allowing this contact? A child that is too scared to be anything other than nice and submissive to their father is using a survival tactic that is proof he is abusive to her. What else can she do? If she acted any other way, he’d hurt her. He has likely threatened her to not say anything to social workers and carcass. Honestly, I would refuse to leave her with him and go back to court.

The ‘whatever happens we will make the best of it’ is pretty chilling tbh. As whatever happens could psychologically and/or physically damage her for life and you are supposed to protect her from him. Your refusal to criticise him in any way isn’t validating her feelings either, it’s gaslighting her into thinking she is wrong for feeling afraid of an abusive man.

How do I get her to tell the people who matter how she feels?

She is telling you. Record her telling you. You are lucky she is telling you, most children subjected to abuse can’t talk about it to anyone until adulthood. She will stop telling you if you keep doing nothing.

It's easy to say 'dont let your child go' but as op clearly states, DD won't disclose her full feelings to a third party. If op stops contact then she is in danger of accusations of parental alienation and being taken to court herself.

There have been threads I have read of similar cases where the op has been threatened with losing primary custody entirely to her abusive (and abusive to the child) ex because court believed the ex and cafcas supported the father dispite evidence to the contrary.

I may have forgotten to say this is all court ordered. Sad to say I was painted as the villan during proceedings.