How can I get ex to see the dc`s point of view without him saying I put words into their mouths?

[SparklePrincess]

Last time the dc stayed with their dad my eldest asked me on the phone when they were coming home. My answer was "probably in the morning". She asked if she could come back that night & I said to ask her dad, to which she replied "I cant, im scared to"

Today she asked if theyre going to dads this weekend, & if so what time they would be coming back. I said "probably sunday evening" & she said she hoped it would be in the morning instead. My little one said "I dont want to go to dads"

How can he be made to accept what the children are saying & take their feelings into account? At the moment anything they say he will just assume is words ive put into their mouths, which simply isnt true.

Im happy for him to have generous time with the dc as long as they are happy to go. I think they need to start off with one overnight stay, then build up to full weekends & eventually a week or more during the holidays once the dc are ready & happy to do so. He seems to want to start off with more than the dc are happy to do then reduce if he thinks its not working out. (In other words when he`s bored with them )

Unfortunately Cafcass dont get involved unless there are court proceedings in place. Does anyone know of anything else similar where they speak for the child?

Bump.

hi, am on my way out, but this thread would get lots of replies on lone parents even if you aren't one.

lots of us there having similar issues.

I have gone thru this, but my dd is 6 and I forced her to go for 2 1/2 yrs, now she goes when she wants.

A very tricky situation, as my ex NEVER listens, and its all my fault.

Anyway, I will pop back later on. Just say what youneed to to him for the sakes of your kids, even tho the backlash is hard, they are more important.

now she doesnt have to dd hasnt been to his since last oct.

Thanks piratecat. Ill go & post this over on lone parents too.

Yes, this is a very tricky situation. It is such a shame when children are placed in difficult positions when their parents separate. They are the victims.

This is a situation which must be played out in millions of homes across the country.

My own neice and nephew are in the middle of two parents who hate one another. Both are idiots (the parents) who bad mouth the other and should both be reminded that as much as they loathe one another with a passion now, they each chose the other to be the father/mother of their chidren. It's not teh childrens' faults.

It must be hard for the parent who doesn't any longer live with the children (usually the father) particularly when another man has been drafted in to live with their children and act as a father to them.

My own sister has drafted in a right weirdo to live with her and her dependent children. He has serious control and jealously issues and is highly manipulative. He'd manipulated the situation to have the children calling him "dad" within about a month of knowing them. He is insanely jealous of all men who my sister might come into contact with and particualrly her exs. He is a father himself but is apparently not allowed to see his own child (the reason why seems to be a mystery).

He has badmouthed the childrens' natural father to them to such an extent that they have now started calling their real dad by his first name and they come out with all sorts of nasty things with reference to him.

I really feel for all the children out there who are caught in the cross fire of divorces and separations.

It's so sad.

Sounds like a bad situation there Gunnerbean.
The reasons this man isnt allowed to see his own dc are pretty clear from your description of him.

My situation is: H dumped me from a great height while my father was dying in hospital & proceeded to treat me like cr@p, even in front of the dc. Thankfully this has now stopped. He blamed me for everything. (Of course, the fact that he was sh@gging some tart had nothing to do with it. ) We are currently at Mediation thrashing out finances & access. Thought the access was going to be easy, but unfortunately the b@stard is now saying he wants shared care in order to reduce his maintenance liability when all he would do is dump the poor dc on his girlfriend.

I really want to do whats best for the dc. I want them to see their father on a fairly frequent regular basis. But he needs to be realistic about what he himself is prepared & able to take on, & not to use the dc as part of a silly game designed to get at me.

Can you just take control of the situation and say for now, as their mother, you want them to just do 1 night.

As and when the children ask to go for longer, you can sort that out with him.

You obviously appreciate the importance of his relationship with them and are very supportive of that.

But tbh, if my child told me they wanted to come home, or didn't want to go somewhere, then that would be my priority and I would make sure their wishes came first. Even at the risk of pissing him off.

I know that it's not that easy. He may think you're putting that into their heads and things might turn awkward or nasty.

But at the end of the day, I think you both have to do what's best for the children. And forcing them into a situation that they're not happy with will be detrimental to his relationship with them in the long run.

Whether or not he will actually listen and accept that is another matter. He sounds like a very selfish and manipulative man

He is Baffy, he is.

Its a very difficult situation because theyve been through so much & I really want to avoid dragging them through the courts, but there has to be a limit.

I did insist he bring them home last week when he wanted to leave them alone for 12 hours with his t@rt while he went to work, & thankfully he complied. I think he knew there would be hell to pay if he didnt.

I dont think the children are desperately unhappy with him or anything, they are just confused with the situation & would prefer to be home with me where things are stable & they feel safe.

Im hoping that they will voice their concerns loudly to him if they are really unhappy with anything. Im sure the youngest would make her feelings clear, she`s not afraid of offending anyone. The eldest is a different story.

Perhaps the more time they get to stay with their dad the less confusing and scary it will be? I wouled try not to make an issue of it but encourage them to enjoy the time if they can.

That is what I am doing beaniestevie. I want them to enjoy their time with their Dad. If I thought they were desperately unhappy or disagreed with something that strongly id take a stand, like I did last week.

I have stood up to him dittany. He knows he`s treading on thin ice with me. Im just waiting to see what happens this weekend. Im damn sure that he will soon lose interest in having them.

I am keeping a diary btw.

I know you're already doing mediation which is great but if you want someone to speak for the children I recommend family counselling with an emphasis on separated families. The counsellor can 'advocate' for your children and articulate their voices in a way your ex can't say is biased.

Of course, it might be a struggle to get your ex to attend, but even if not, I so so recommend counselling for you and for your children. Sounds like you are doing an excellent job, but they still might benefit from an external ear.

Hope this doesn't sound really interfering and annoying - I work in this area.

Thats great charitygirl, many thanks. You wouldnt be able to recommend anyone in the East Sussex area who does the family counselling would you? Im going to try & sort out some family therapy through CAMHS (child & adolescent mental health service) but I think it could be a pretty long wait knowing them. Am already on a waiting list for counselling for myself through the GP.

Were going to mediation again tonight. I really hope that H has decided to be realistic about the child access & agrees to take the dc`s wishes into account.

Yes - probably a long wait on the CAMHS list. My geography isn't great but is East Sussex the Brighton area? If so have a look at the local Relate site below - they do family counselling with a focus on coping with divorce and separation. You could see them individually, or with your kids, or with your ex too.

www.relate4u.org/families.htm

Don't know what your finances are like, but they will charge you on the basis of your income, so don't be afraid to say if you are on a low income - they will be happy to help.

Thanks charitygirl. We are quite near to Brighton actually. Only 40 minutes up the road. I did look on Relate to see if they offered that service in this area, but I think its a fair distance to one that does. Were actually doing our mediation through Relate.

I think (hope) we may be sorted now though. After being advised to post this on Lone Parents I did, & have updated on tonights mediation meeting on my thread there. Anyone whos interested go & take a look.

Fingers crossed its all sorted. PLEASE GOD!!!!