Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner not helping

7 replies

CJ98 · 19/11/2024 23:27

I’ve been with my partner for just over two years and we have a 4 month old baby girl. He’s been back at work doing 40 hours a week since she was around 2 weeks old, his shifts mainly consist of him working until midnight and him not getting home until around 1am. Our daughter has been very “difficult” since she was born and we’ve struggled with her mainly on a night. I found that his shifts weren’t helping - I was exhausted from dealing with her all day & then him coming home late meant I had to deal with her for most of the night. I felt like I was being a single parent so we had a conversation and he went to his manager and got his shifts changed so they were more “daytime shifts” for a while these were working. He was getting up on a morning feeding and changing our baby going to work and allowing me to catch up on sleep whilst he worked. By the time he came home he wasn’t tired and was able to do more with our baby. He’s now back to doing the midnight finishes and I’ve found everyday he complains about being tired, he doesn’t do anything with our daughter because I’m doing everything. I keep getting the feeling he doesn’t want to be around me let alone our daughter. I’ve just done 6 days straight of having our daughter all day and then all night & he’s finally got a day off tomorrow so asked if he’d deal with her tonight and it’s caused an argument because he’s tired & he’s not had a break and wants to wind down. Because he’s not coming home until 1am we aren’t getting into bed until around 3am due to the fact we need something to eat, I’m usually giving our daughter a last bottle around 1am and then he has to relax, when this is happening he’s not getting out of bed until 11am the next morning and then he’s up and out of the door for 2:30pm ready for work. I would go to bed early but it means him not seeing his daughter because by the time he wakes up she’s probably had a bottle and is down for a nap, by the time he’s leaving she’s probably having another bottle which I have to do because he doesn’t have the time due to him getting ready for work. When he comes home from work his first thing he wants to do is cook food he never seems to be interested in coming in and spending time with our daughter. I’m not bothered about him not spending time with me as I’m used too it, but feel bad for our baby girl. In the 6 days I’ve had our daughter I haven’t slept, I haven’t eaten properly & I’ve basically been awake for 18-19 hours a day. To make matters worse she’s currently in the early stages of teething so I’m already struggling with her not sleeping she’s now at the stage where she won’t settle, she doesn’t drink her milk and literally won’t go down and prefers spending all day in someone’s arms. Whilst he’s at work I’m the one who’s doing the cleaning, and making sure that the house is clean, the washing is down, the shopping is down etc.. when he cooks he doesn’t tidy up so I have to deal with it on a morning. All I’ve asked is for one day and night where I don’t have to worry about her and it’s caused an argument. I feel like everytime I ask him to do something to do with our baby he finds every excuse to not do it. Am I a bad parent for wanting just one night of being able to sleep. Should I have more sympathy at the fact he’s been working all week ? I feel like I’m being a terrible person just for asking for a break.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2024 00:23

First off, gp to bed early. It doesn't matter if he then doesn't get to see her when he gets in. I mean look no offense but, babies aren't that interesting and she isn't old enough to miss him. Get some sleep and don't make it harder for yourself.

Secondly, you need to be clear with him: 'this isn't working. I need equal time off. You need to step up and do your share if parenting. If you don't, I'm going to have to leave you. And then parenting will be 50/50 because I'll want days off too'.

Spell it out to him. He steps up with you as a father. Or, alone as one.

Start taking time for yourself. Don't ask for it, just tell him it's what's happening.

username358 · 20/11/2024 01:24

Do you have any support? Friends or family who can come and give you a break so you can sleep?

I would forget about him seeing his daughter for the time being just focus on yourself. Get what rest you can. You're going through a really tough time and need to look after yourself.

Put your foot down regarding him treating you like a skivvy. Tell him to wash up and wash his own clothes, you're doing enough.

Domino20 · 20/11/2024 03:39

Stop trying to spend time with him after his night shift, it's madness. You really don't want to get the baby used to interacting with people at 1/2 am. Go to bed at 7/ 8pm when you put the baby down, everything seems awful when you are sleep deprived.

Mumlaplomb · 20/11/2024 08:50

Go to bed and put baby to bed at a reasonable hour. Get into a sensible routine and stop waiting up for your partner.

Can he have a micro meal when he comes in or can you cook extra for him so he’s not making noise and mess in the middle of the night?

on his days off he needs to be having baby for a good chunk of time so you can rest/have a break.
my husband was a shift worker and I would put my eldest down at say 9ish when I went to bed and he would do a dream feed at 12/1. Then I would get up for the early morning feeed. This worked quite well for us as he was a night owl.

Losthetrust · 20/11/2024 09:08

I agree with one of the PP. Don't ask, tell him. If you have to ask him to do things, you're already acting as if he isn't the child's father. Does he ask you to do things? No, it's expected of you. Time to treat him the same.

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2024 09:11

It’s not helping. It’s being a parent and an adult. He needs to pull his weight at home. If he cooks he can’t leave a mess. He needs to be taking over roles at home and spending
some time being a parent. Stop bending over backwards to do everything.

Completelyjo · 20/11/2024 09:17

This has nothing to do with shift patterns really, he just isn’t arsed. If anything him working until midnight means he’s around most of the day time to share the parenting load, it shouldn’t mean you’re doing the days and nights alone.
It’s crazy to expect him to come and spend time with your DD at 1am! You want her to be on a normal schedule. Put her to bed in the evening, he comes home makes food, winds down for an hour and then goes to bed. He sleeps until about 9 and then he’s there for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
You’re both acting like a 40 hour week is this crazy thing?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread