I'm avoidant, right?

[LindtCurves]

i'm probably just having a mid-life crisis! but trying to figure this out.

i've noticed that i habitually develop feelings for guys i cannot have, and then be really put off by guys that demonstrably like me a lot. in fact it's a huge turn-off for me.

whenever a guy pursues me/ demonstrates they like me, whether right away or some weeks/months in, that hugely puts me on guard. usually i reject advances right away. if it's a dating situation, i start looking for faults in them, and why it wouldn't work, and really put those men down in my head in terms of 'i could never be with someone like that!'

by the same token, i tend to develop feelings for... some of my bosses (inappropriate!), men that live abroad, men that are only around for short period of time before a planned move away, men that say 'you and me would never work' etc, men very out of my league, men with complicated baggage, hugely different background etc... i love the unavailable type, love the chase, love getting someone who seemed ungettable.

NOW... i feel like i'm in a better place and comfortable with who i am/ more aware of what i want and need. i've dated a bit this year and noticed some much better patterns/ let go of some past bad choices. (for context, i've been in moderately successful LTRs my entire adult life)

marriage and children are very alien concepts to me, and i've made peace with it, just don't tend to talk about this out loud as i don't think it's socially acceptable. women in my family have never married and have always been professionally successful single mums since the 1950s.

has anyone been in a similar boat? what triggered you to run away from being loved and did you work it out? it always seems to be the women struggling with men pulling away and not committing, but surely i can't be the only one built this way?

I've never considered myself avoidant by nature by nature but after a long relationship and becoming a single parent - I have chosen a slightly avoidant man and a long distance relationship in my late 40s. At this stage in my life, having had a fairly needy partner before and now having sole care of a son with additional needs - I cannot tolerate neediness from anyone else in my life. I adore my partner's complete independence. We will live at a distance for many years, if we stay together, and I am good with that. My relationship is perfect for my situation.

If you have had successful long distance relationships - and your family members have a tradition of independence - and you are content with this set up - I see no problem.

I identity with the not being able to tolerate neediness. I am very avoidant and do choose men consistently that I do not feel I can win over. The achievement when I do! Amazing. Then I lose interest. No idea how to overcome this. Certainly my father was very unemotional and practical i do not feel safe in expressing need for someone, I would feel very exposed and weak to rely on someone - i prefer to be independent, and not tely on anyone. I cannot imagine being openly dependent, the horror! So exposed! So. I have no answes but here to learn, hopefully.

If you grow up in a family of successful single mums then you probably already have all the skills to make yourself happy without a man. In that case the bar is probably set quite high, because why would you have to compromise? I don't think there is an issue with you at all.

I identify with a lot of your post. I don't think there's anything wrong with you if you don't want commitment. I guess "avoidant" is the way people put it now and I guess I'm pretty avoidant by nature. I like being this way. I prioritise freedom to do what I want without responsibility and I enjoy the life I've built along those lines. In my 20s I mostly had flings men who weren't really available, or who I didn't really want to be in a proper relationship with, because I didn't want to be tied down. Had quite a nice time overall.

Developing feelings for bosses etc is obviously sub-optimal but you just need to not actually act on them.

I ended up in a LTR anyway by accident. I thought it was going to be another fling but I never got bored of him. We're both independent, neither of us are needy or can stand neediness, others have described both of us as "cold fish" and "commitment-phobes" in the past but we fit each other perfectly.

You have just described me and all my independent friends
This is a strength

thanks for your replies! i am glad some of you identify. especially being on a family/parenting forum where everyone seems to want to want to get married and have dilemmas about bridesmaids and baby showers, it can make you question yourself.

@RockingBeebo the thing is, i do want quite a close relationship and can be quite needy deep down at times. once i am close with someone, i like to be very close, but i notice that i tend to push people that try to get close to me away, while pursuing those that are quite distant and closed off themselves.

@SewingBeee can totally relate, my parents were quite emotionally absent and relying on someone and trusting them to back me scares. joint property? joint children? i run :) and winning a prize and then losing interest is a pattern too. so have you ever stuck with someone longer, and why/ how?

@Okigen i wouldn't say my bar is high, i've made some very weird choices in my time! to be honest for LTRs i tend to settle for guys that i can control a little bit/ wouldn't be too upset about losing. big feelings are reserved for guys with difficult personalities who tend to be hot, successful workaholics. thankfully i seem to be adjusting my type and the guys i have dated this year have been far better at communication, showing interest in me and being obtainable.

@gannett sounds like me, i end up in LTRs by accident! it's been a pattern of having sex with a long-term friend and accidentially ending up in a LTR without planning to, seems like that's the only way to 'secure' me 😂do you guys live together? does he ever tell you there's a lack of affection in the relationship? while my ex was very much like you describe, he did say that he struggled with the way i was, and i struggled with the way he was.

i'd struggle with a very expressive, emotional, needy partner who texts 100 times a day (italian ex was NOT a fit, he called me the ice queen but somehow it made him keener!!) but i also struggle with someone who is like me or even more detached.

like i say, ultimately i do want to feel loved, secure and like he has my back no matter what, i just tend to laugh at the idea of someone being really into me and wanting to be with me... i met a great guy recently who was a bit hot and cold due to similar issues but ultimately decent and consistent with good communication. the moment it started getting more real and serious between us, i suddenly lost feelings for him, started seeing all his faults and got scared. trying to figure that one out but big part of it was self-preservation for sure

I am sometimes like that/ I have a more disorganised attachment style where I veer between anxious and avoidant. Chequered relationship history/ similar to you- going after complicated men. I do have two children though but see my relationship with my children as very separate to adult relationships (I mean, I always wanted kids but didn't really crave/cope with the perfect marriage/husband etc). I'm a great mum/ very open, loving, stable- I find parent/child relationships much easier to navigate than romantic ones. No idea why I'm like this- had lovely parents who loved each other and me very much. Given up trying to work myself out now I'm mid 40s.

I meant to add- I blow hot and cold, push and pull and engage in some quite toxic behaviours. I've been single majority of my adult life. Did have a bash at marriage to a "stable" guy but it wasn't for me 🤣🤣

I'm in a similar situation. I think there's a difference between wanting someone independent (like you and I) and wanting someone who's avoidant or playing hard to get like OP does- that seems more an 'addicted to the thrill of the chase' or insecurity driven thing sometimes. Not necessarily in your case OP, but in some people I've known.

Yes I completely relate. All the crushes/soft-spots/hots I've ever had for every single man have all been unavailable.

1. Someone at school totally and utterly disinterested in me and he made it clear. Was about 16
2. Someone else's boyfriend at age 18
3. Another person's boyfriend at age 19
4. One of the bankers I worked for - silly crush about age 20
5. Colleague at next work place who was gay..age 22
6. My personal trainer about age 25
7. My boss aged 26-27-28
8. The tutor at a hobby I have who had a girlfriend age 29-34 (this was a long hard one)
9. Currently at 37, colleague who is not single and actually not based in the UK either!

All of these have been slow burns to fire up which I also think plays a part. I fall for someone at a "safe distance".

If someone likes me, proactively, there is no safe distance in which I can fall for them in my own time...slowly...which is how my brain works.

So relate to all of that. I thought I was the only person who felt like that! I too have found happiness in long distance relationships but horror of horrors he’s keen after 8 years together to move in together.

@LindtCurves I have been with my husband for a long time. A very long time. However it's fairly unconventional in that I have a lot of freedom in this relationship. He is also avoidant and undemanding, not needy or possessive (for the most part). I have my own room and space, this helps. I have a wide and separate friends group. I think his personality suits me, he's always been very unbothered and I do still find him attractive because of this. Doesn't stop the odd crush on an unavailable arse though...

sounds familiar! it's almost like if it's never going to happen, it feels safe... do you fall slowly but deeply like me? looking at how long those have lasted, sounds like it's the case?

has anything ever happened with those crushes? i think you start off thinking they're never going to materialise, but then, being a woman, and men being weak, they seem to materialise anyway! e.g. i had a looong painful crush on a client that lived in canada, ridiculously attractive and self-important, who then proceeded to act like he had a crush on me too, and offered me a job in canada to pursue this?! likewise several other crushes i have dated or gotten very close with - the chase!

do you also fall for guys who are available but perhaps just a bad idea? like someone who lives a totally different life to you/ huge differences in some key aspects?

oh i definitely have issues. i almost see men as challenges - the vast majority don't interest me at all, and then i spot someone who seems different (=difficult). and i want to figure them out and 'get' them - not even sexually, but to a point where they are as interested in me as i am in them. it's much like solving a maths problem, learning a new skill, getting a job, new place to live. with anything in life, once i master it, once i know i can get it, i lose interest quite quickly. i need something in sight that i can't have to keep me challenged.

i feel like i try not to get attached to anything or taking anything too seriously as i'm afraid of losing it.

i do certainly want the closeness and security in life, and in terms of a partner i want someone who is fairly independent, but also one that's always there for me, and closeby. i'm just afraid of the various forms commitment that are normal to other people, like house, marriage, children. can't compute them.

can relate.

do you think you find parent-child relatiosnhips easier because they have a dependency on you and can't just walk off? i find line manager/ employee relationships quite easy in that sense, i think i'm a really good manager that looks after people and gives a lot.

i feel like i am also probably disorganised. i am avoidant before and after, but during the stage of actully getting together with one of those complicated men, when things aren't black and white, i get quite anxious. i find early relationship a stage of anxiety more than anything, also because of the type of people and situations i pursue, and that's why i tend to pull away just before that stage.

having said that, recently i've been better about it... but i've also allowed men into my life who are better communicators and frankly also where i am initially really not that bothered. i hate feeling feelings as they make me feel so vulnerable, feelings scare me - unless they're pinned on someone unavailable!

sounds like me, i end up in LTRs by accident! it's been a pattern of having sex with a long-term friend and accidentially ending up in a LTR without planning to, seems like that's the only way to 'secure' me 😂do you guys live together? does he ever tell you there's a lack of affection in the relationship? while my ex was very much like you describe, he did say that he struggled with the way i was, and i struggled with the way he was.
i'd struggle with a very expressive, emotional, needy partner who texts 100 times a day (italian ex was NOT a fit, he called me the ice queen but somehow it made him keener!!) but i also struggle with someone who is like me or even more detached.

Mine wasn't a friend, though we had many mutual friends. I met him at a party and intended him to be a ONS. That was 11 years ago.

Very early on he did have a wobble about lack of affection, I'd almost forgotten that. We had a proper deep talk about... everything, my childhood, my personality, his childhood, the works. He basically understood that this was as affectionate as I'd ever got, and why, and that it didn't reflect a lack of love or care. And it turns out that ultimately we're quite similar on that front - too cynical and cold ever to really do demonstrative romance or lovey-dovey stuff (except when drunk or high). We've both been there for the other in ways which matter a lot more in the past decade.

I could not deal with an emotionally needy partner at all either. Some of the threads I read on here about expecting men to check in with messages throughout the day give me hives. DP would fall way short of many women's expectations of romance and reassurance and to be honest that makes me feel more comfortable as I would fall even shorter, so I'm relieved and happy I can just be myself.

Re: someone who will have your back. It's all just words until a situation arises where you need someone to have your back. DP did that for me about 4 years in. A couple of years after that I did the same for him. I don't wish a crisis on anyone but actually pulling each other through when we were at rock bottom probably strengthened our relationship more than anything else.

Hi Lindtcurves, how are things going now?