I miss my ex

[broken0]

And I just need to get it out.
No one to talk to in real life. My friends and family are fed up of me.

Going through emails and texts for evidence for a non-molestation order and it's brought so much back.

It's all just hit me at once how sad I am. Why did it have to be this way? I loved him so, so much.

The good times were so good. We have a child together.

I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about anyone, the good times were so special.

I wonder sometimes if I am the problem, maybe if I'd done something differently it would not have ended up this way.

I just want to hug him so badly. I wish we could be a family again.

If I go through with the non-molestation order there is never any way to go back.

You can’t be a family again due to the way he has treated you & that isn’t your fault. You are not the problem.
Stay strong, go ahead with the order, get counselling if you can and rebuild your life. Find someone else to hug as he isn’t the solution

Just wanted to say always remember you’re not alone going through what you are, many people will be in similar situation wondering if they can move on and be happy again , it’s hard to believe right now but you will meet someone new in time & better for you , life will be good again, count your blessings & one foot in front of the other

How were the bad times ?? Write a list down of those look at it every time you miss him and remind yourself why your better off free of him. It sounds serious if you have a non mol order ! Can you give us a little more context as to why your getting one? Humans are better at remembering the good times we don't want to remember the bad so we focus on our brains take us to the good. Course there was be things you miss he's your child's dad too. You have what they call trauma bonding. Have you sought therapy? Think of you and your child get a therapist or you are likely to end up with another similar partner in the future x

He was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and controlling. Recently he's been harassing me hence the referral to NCDV from police. The application for non-mol hasn't been made yet but solicitor getting it ready.

I just wonder sometimes if it is actually all my fault? He used to lie to me a lot and this would upset me.

We've been split up for a while and I haven't been looking for another relationship in the slightest as I know I need to concentrate on myself and my child. But I met a nice man through work but going on a couple of dates with him made me sad as I thought, I'm never going to feel the same way as I did when I met ex. It just felt so special and magical.

Reading back through our communication for evidence to back up my statement for the non-mol, of course I come across the lovely messages, where I was his soulmate, love of his life. I remember how that used to make me feel.

Even though I hate him I still love him so much. I don't think I'll ever feel that kind of love again. I'm upset that it has turned out this way and I don't understand why this has happened to me.

Thank you for responding, I wasn't expecting any I just needed to get this out of my head.

As PP suggested: trauma bonding. Plus he lovebombed you at the beginning of your relationship. In other words he became exactly what he worked out you needed in a man. But that wasn't the real him. The real him is the abusive fucker. Do the Freedom Programme and ger some counselling to work out why you are attracted to him despite the abuse.

How long have you been broken up? It takes time and distance to see things really for what they were. You can "know" it was bad while still feeling you want it back. But what you want back isn't what you had, it's what you thought you had, when you were minimising/justifying/ignoring his bad behaviour.

You're doing the right thing in taking time for yourself, time to allow yourself to come to terms with this. It's not a linear journey. My ex had an affair and left me after some pretty horrendous gaslighting and lying - for nearly a year I would have given anything to get her back. Now we're 18 months on, sometimes I still have moments of feeling as you feel. No one else will ever be as good, etc. Fortunately I have good friends to remind me how bad it was, much of the time, and how much of myself I lost in my efforts to get it back to the good times.

I was never a therapy person before, but therapy has really helped me to have compassion for the part of me that occasionally wants to go back, while putting in place boundaries to protect myself going forwards.

Just be kind to yourself, and tell yourself what you would tell a friend (or your child!) if they had gone through what you've gone through. It will get better.

Thank you all for the words of advice. I do really appreciate it.

Some days I do okay and other days I'm just overwhelmed with memories, nothing will ever feel as good etc.

It's been about 6 months so not long in the scheme of things.

The beginning was so good, I just wish I knew the answer to why it went so wrong. I loved him so much and did everything he ever asked. He just didn't love me.

I understand the person I'm in love with probably isn't even the real him. But whatever that feeling was, it was addictive.

He got you hooked and exactly where he wanted you so he could be his true self. You have hung on to the beginning of the relationship and the good times. It's not your fault your trying to rationalise his behaviour because part of you wants this not to be real part of you wants longs for what you had but it isn't really him he's worn a mask if that makes sense. Be happy live your best life for you and in time you'll realise how naive you have been you will be stronger than ever no man will ever be needed by you, wanted maybe but not needed trust me on this I was married for 18! Years I was 15 when we met same but he messed with my head because he seemed so sweet and loveable and he was and he wasn't. We both made a lot of mistakes and I know I have faults but other people are responsible for their own behaviour no one else. It took me a long time to heal it's like a death you go through the same stages but you eventually heal and become stronger and wiser than ever. Life is for learning and living and that's what you need to take from this please get the order this will get worse otherwise and he could go for custody you never know how far they will go to get back at you. Fund you again find what you enjoy you'll feel better don't focus on the past look to your future I know you can't imagine it without him but it's possible and it will be even better x

@Katej82 thank you. Everything you've written makes so much sense.

I couldn't believe my luck in the beginning, like a fairytale I thought I'd found everything I'd ever wanted and needed and I genuinely believed when he said I was everything he ever wanted and needed.

It was about 3-4 months in when he first showed his true colours, it seemed to go in cycles like that where something would happened, then it would go back to being perfect again and then a few months later he'd be showing the same behaviours.

I empathise completely and am in a similar situation: I left my husband of 16 years after he cheated and I found the message he sent her. We've been together 26 years, I'm 46 so longer together than I've been on my own or single, in fact all my adult life has been with him.

Lately I have found myself missing him, wondering if I should give him a second chance and with no one to use as a sounding board as family don't understand how I could possibly still love him or miss him after everything. For context, he's selfish, controlling, has gaslit me, emotionally blackmailed me and said things to our 6 year old that he really shouldn't have.

I have to remember.... He's not going to change, he's not going to suddenly start meeting my needs, he's not facing up to the real reason he cheated, he's not contacted his daughter since we left, and he's shown virtually no remorse. I know we are better off without him but my god is it hard, I can't just flick a switch and turn off 26 years of feelings for him, or the fear of being a single parent, or how I'm going to protect our daughter from this mess her parents have created.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, accept every emotion you feel - no such thing as a bad one, and keep talking. It's going to take time and distance to see things differently, everyone deserves to be loved and treated right, to have respect and be cherished. Everyone. Sometimes it's not who we'd like it to be or want it to be, but if you had a daughter would you want her to go through what you are? Would you tell her it's okay to be treated as you have and that it's normal? Good enough?
These are questions are ask myself when I feel vulnerable and weak and miss the 'idea' of him rather than the man he became. X

Trauma bonding read it understand it and seek therapy you'll get there x

Thank you, I will read up on trauma bonding. I am in therapy and... Sheesh do I have a bloody long way to go but I'll get there. Thank you for the support, have had a rough few days xx