Sexless relationship from my partner M, has this happened to anyone else here?

[Canjo]

There's no sexual competent any more to my relationship. The sex started drying up about 5 years ago between us. We were about 18 months together at the time and about 6 months engaged. He tried to rush a wedding and get married within a year but I slowed down the wedding and marriage cards. Him trying to rush a wedding was happening at the start of what I felt was the relationship going a little sexless.

Anyways I was hoping maybe something might change and it would be reversed but that never happened. It only ever continued to dwindle. The thing is, he can masturbate but he just doesn't have any sexual energy for me.

It was about about 18 months ago when I decided I was going to stop making an effort because it was all very one sided sexually. In that I would give him oral and then he was never able to maintain an erection for PIV. Only for masturbation.

Aside from this being so stale and bad between us he can be a good person outside of the bedroom but my stomach is churning now because there is no sexual competent any more to our relationship.

He was working on Sunday morning and I didn't hear from him all day. He works in hospitality and I have no reason to doubt him that he was working. It's only recently I am doubting this. How am I supposed to believe he started work at 9 am and worked from open to close all day long and then do it again and again. He has chosen work over our relationship too.

Is anyone else in a sexless relationship.

It doesn’t matter. What matter is you. Don’t look for answers. Accept and look forward and do it differently on your own.

He was usually straight forward with texts sending me stuff like:
'love you and miss you loads.....calling me sexy.' he was usually straightforward with booking holidays and sometimes we had morning time dates because the night time dates fell off when he took on a new job a few years ago.

We would have these little things but it's awful without any sexual intimacy and sexual connection. It just feels like a friendship without a sexual connection.

It seems as if he took on a new job a few years ago that offered an opposing schedule to my work as an effort to perhaps implement more of a gap in the bedroom and to avoid his sexual stuff. I don't know.

The only thing that's stopping me is a hard talk with him.

I feel like he knew what he was doing. He pretended to be interested in sex until he got a ring on my finger and then it dried up from him while he tried to rush a wedding and take on a new job implementing opposing schedules for more of a gap between us.

For two healthy people, without a sexual connection it is just a friendship.

You are basically housemates. He might as well be your 'gay best friend' (even if not gay).

So, you have to have a talk with him. The porn issue you have to bring up. That can completely dampen your desire for real interaction as you are already getting stimulation from looking at a screen.

Your last post suggests he always had a lower sex drive though. It could just be that is the case (although he watches porn, so clearly a desire is there).

Very few people could put up with this situation OP. You have to speak up.

Just end it OP, having the talk can't possibly be more difficult than having to continue to live with him. Why are you so afraid of it?

Yes, because once you start, then you kind of have to follow through and it's hard to break out of the status quo.

But then how many years are you going to spend on this man and this relationship when it hasn't really worked for you for most of it? 18 happy months and then 5 years of decline, with it getting worse rather than better? Do you want to be in the same situation next year? Or the next five years?

It is going to be painful and stressful to split, but if you weigh it up against what the future looks like if you stay ... ?

You just need to have that chat. For whatever reason, the intimacy has gone and it’s doing no-one any favours continuing this any longer.

I just had a flashback of a sexless incident.

He never once responded to stockings and suspenders. I never wore them for him and they were functional instead of tights because I hate tights falling down but he never responded to them. Like ever. I remember one night after a wedding just going to bed in them and he never responded to them.

Sad to say op I think he is in the closet. I've never known a heterosexual man who doesn't like stockings and suspenders.

How can I be so dim?

I must admit, I wore stockings and suspenders for myself but I even turned myself on at times. The feeling of the nylon against my skin. When I wore them, he could have e owed me no matter where we were. He could have lifted my skirt or dress and touched me and just owned me but he never did.

How can I be so dim.

Sounds as if he would prefer to be hetero, which he probably sees as 'normal'. Be careful how you approach any discussion: he may not be able to accept or admit it.

Why would he spend all these years living a lie with me?

Maybe sexuality is fluid and it see-saws between females/males.

God knows.

Say for example he is in the closest. I showed an interest before in anal but he never did it with me. He could have done that with me. He never did. He was only ever just about able for sex in one position with him on his back and even then he went limp far too easily.

Say for example he is gay - there is no need to be like this, in this day and age. I mean to live a lie and force oneself to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex to make a show. I mean there's no need to be like that any more. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I don't understand why someone would live a lie and for so long. Surely something would have come up at some stage about his sexuality. Something. Even brief jokes or something. Or some reference to poppers. Or something. There was never any indication of anything else.

How old are you both?
Do you live together?
What is stopping you from splitting up with him?
I ask because you have started a few threads and am wondering what answers you are looking for. Maybe more context would help.

What's his family like? Upbringing can play a huge part in guilt and shame regarding sexuality.

Maybe he isn't gay, just not physical attracted to you (sorry).

If he is unwilling to talk I would stop trying to work it out and just look to the future.

If he's not physically attracted to me - I didn't change much from when we first started dating. Why keep it up for so long with me?

He had a catholic upbringing. Being gay would have likely been frowned upon but I really thought that is old kinda stuff now and people are more open. His siblings would be more open and accepting if he was gay. Whatever about his parents. I find it hard to believe he's gay to be honest.

I'm not afraid of being single.
To only thing stopping me is having a chat with him to call it all off. I tend to be one more become more silent and inwards.

Maybe he's asexual.

What does it matter though?

You're not happy and nothing is getting better.

'If he's not physically attracted to me - I didn't change much from when we first started dating. Why keep it up for so long with me?'

Feelings can change. You must've had previous relationships where you just go off them? Not saying it's the case here but how things are at the start don't matter, its how they are now that do. As a pp said you aren't happy, he won't address it so draw a line and move on.