I don't know what I want

[harmfulsweeties]

I've never felt like I know what I want, and it's driving me crazy.

I think there's something wrong with me because the things everyone tells me I should want I don't want and I try to want the things I "should" want, but I don't.

I'm 37. I don't have or want kids. I'm not married. I live alone. I have a boyfriend of three years, who is also 37 and we've known each other since high school. We don't live together. He still lives at home with his parents following being made redundant and is looking for work.

My brother (and others in my life) keep asking when he's going to propose or move in with me. And honestly-I don't know if I want any of those things. I love living alone. I would hate living with someone and I know that I would.

I've lived alone for over four years now and it suits me to a T. We see each other twice a week and that is sufficient to me and him. I know he eventually wants to move in once he gets a job, but I dread it.

I know that makes me a bad person. I know I'm probably his only avenue to moving out and getting his own place-but the thought of it makes me feel trapped.

I know this isn't normal. You should want to live with the person you love, right? I just don't. It's everything. Down to the thought of having to "take care of him" and share a space to having his stuff in my house. I like my house as it is. I've got plans for my house and another person ruins it. And I wouldn't want someone to move in and be unable to make my house their home. That would be horrifically selfish.

Not to mention the fact that we can't share a bed because he snores horrendously and I can't sleep beside him at all. Maybe that's fixable by going to the doctor but he's never shown an inclination towards that before and he does try to let me fall asleep first so I can sleep. I think I've only slept beside him once and that was when I was absolutely exhausted that I'd fall asleep in a hurricane!

That's workable, I suppose. Separate rooms and all that. Ear plugs.

As for marriage, I don't know. I can't convince myself it's something I want. I know the benefits-and I like the idea of it-but that's just it. I like the idea of it-not the reality. The reality makes me feel trapped.

I don't know what all this says about me and my relationship. Maybe it's just unconventional. Maybe we could be happy doing it our way and ignoring other people. I just don't know if I'm cut out for marriage and/or living with someone long-term.

I know I'm supposed to want it all. Maybe I'm a commitment-phobe. Maybe I like my freedom too much. Maybe I need freedom too much.

I just wish there was a simple way to make me want the things that I should want, but none of it excites or inspires me. It makes me feel boxed in every time I think of it.

How so?

Why are you trying to convince yourself that you "should" want a certain life when you don't?

Be true to yourself! Don't sleepwalk into a life you don't want.

If your boyfriend is thinking he is going to be moving in though you need to set him straight.

Harmfulsweeties there's nothing wrong with you!! Stick to what you're comfortable with, do not let your boyfriend move in if you're not happy to share; I'm married but DH works away during the week and I love time to myself while he's away. We've been married 25 years so it works for us. Keeping separate homes might work for you, don't be forced into a situation that will make you miserable! Often women are bombarded with the notion that being married/in a couple/living together is the norm and the only thing to aspire to; it's not. You have a right to be happy and live how you choose.

I could have wrote this.

I've had several relationships throughout my adult years and at times was very needy wanted to move in with them straight away can't be without them etc.

I've been with my partner years until recently and we did live together at first but circumstances changed and we lived apart.

He would have loved to live together again but I couldn't not think of anything worse.

I love my space.
I love being able to lounge about looking like shocking shit.
Make a mess and tidy up and not live in anyone else's mess.

I also get burnt out by company really easily and am really ocd (most my family have asd so possibly a factor)

I wasn't like this within the relationship at the beginning or any other but the last few years I've started to really love my life as it is.

He wasn't an angel in the relationship at all in fact the opposite but I really think this is me now forever and I love it.

BUT if that's not how he wants to live then that isn't fair and you have to make the call on what's best for both of you sadly.

OP - there is nothing wrong about how you feel. I get it. But tell your boyfriend so that he can decide if it is for him.

I only live with a man because we have DC together, if I didn't have kids I would be living on my own and making it clear to all boyfriends there will be no living together. I loved it when I lived on my own. When I had a DP stay with me for a weekend I couldn't wait for him to leave, can't stand the snoring, farting in bed, stinking out my toilet and putting tea towels in the wrong place. Never live with a man if you don't want to.

Are you happy? Is he happy? That's all that matters.

If you are happy as you are why change anything??? If it ain't broke why fix it??? If your other half has snoring problems which he won't fix then I'd rather be single

You are SO wise and sensible. Your instincts are right and it's completely fine to want what you want! There are no shoulds. Live your life as you please OP.

You do know what you want. You know you don't want children. You know you don't want to live with your partner.

I have friends who married because everyone one else was doing it (when they were then early 30s.) This is not a good basis for getting married. They are now divorced. Not many people will admit they shouldn't have had children, but some people really should have thought more about what would be involved beyond it being the next thing most people do.

I have friends who quietly got married in their mid 50s, having lived together for almost 3 decades- this is because of health changes and thinking about the legal position if one if them dies or become incapacitated. They did it in a registered office with just two family members as witnesses because it is purely a legal thing for them.

I am in my 50s and single. There's nothing wrong with living this way. You do need to think about things like who will be your emergency contact at work (my sister needs to be told if I drop dead; she's too far away if I need someone to drive me home because I have an accident or fall ill.) You need to build a good network of friends do you have support when you need it. But you don't have to have one, cohabiting life partner, and you don't have to have children, and especially not because everyone else does it.

Thank you all for your kind words 🌺

I think you're all right. I do know what I want and what I don't want. It's just I get so much pressure from people around me, mainly my family, asking "when this," "when that," that I start to doubt myself and think that I must be wrong for wanting to live as I do.

I do need to have a conversation with my boyfriend and find out where he stands on the issue. It's important that we both get a relationship that we both want and I know that may mean that we end up separating if he does want the things that I don't want.

I've been in a relationship for almost three years and I've got no intention of living with him. He asks me to move in even part time, but I just like my own space and time. I do love him but not enough to live together 24/7. I've got used to living alone and I love it.

Sounds like you know exactly what you want you are just worried that it is the wrong thing because everyone around you is telling you you should want something else. What I've discovered in my 47 years is that life is short and you should do what makes you happy (as long as it doesn't hurt others unreasonably).

Your life sounds lovely!

If more people thought like you and were happy in a relationship without living together then likely more couples would stay together. It works for some people of course, and with children it would be hard not to.

Generally living together and getting married are social constructs that have been forced upon us for generations. Do what works for you and don't let anyone tell you it's not "normal"

My SIL and her partner have been a couple for decades, never moved in together. They keep their own houses and just visit each other overnight when it suits them both.

You just have to learn not to care what other people think or expect of you - it is none of their business.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with a man you love. Why do you have to move in together or get married or have kids if you don't want to? It's your life, live it how you want to. Having said that, I felt exactly the same, I was 37, lived alone had a boyfriend I saw 2-3 times a week and was very happy. He eventually proposed (we didn't live together) I found myself saying yes without much thought 🤔 and then we were married 6 months later (before I could change my mind!!). Then we moved in together (very old school). We have never had a joint bank account, we have always earned our own money & kept it separate, I have never relied on him financially. We have 2 wonderful children (entirely optional!!) and been very happy for 23 years and counting. We see our own friends and live our own lives but together, it works. We are not in each others pockets, have different interests, different tastes in food, different sense of humour, and I'm sure all the algorithms would say we were incompatible, but he is a very kind man, and he would never hurt me, I love him dearly and we will spend the rest of our lives together. No fireworks, just love.
If you love him, living together will work, but you don't have to live in each others pockets, that's not healthy. Enjoy your life & don't take it too seriously.