Hi everyone, I have posted a few threads on this, but I am just trying to make sense of it all.
Aged 28 and on day 2 of being single.
This relationship came very quickly off the back of another one. It was a messy break up of a long term relationship, and my recent partner was around through it all and helped me with my things to move back to my parents. Looking back, I was/am extremely codependant and when he came along it was like I had been saved from hitting rock bottom.
He is a very stubborn man and I also suspect ASD. I always knew he was very opinionated and strong willed, but when I was going through a difficult time, that seemed refreshing as I'd never met anybody like that. I felt protected.
I moved in with him and overtime cracks begun to show. The first red flag was the way he spoke to his Mum (almost as if she were his child). I was in too deep and emotionally invested in him by the time I saw this. When I confronted him about this, he said not to get involved or ask as his relationship with his Mum is complex (claims that his mother was difficult during his childhood).
He would do kind and thoughtful actions for me (make me a hot water bottle and chocolate when on my period, put my phone on charge, stroke my hair as I slept, get me cough sweets when I was feeling ill). No grand gestures, but to me it was the little things that mattered.
But these times would be peppered with moments of unkindness. Little put downs that he would say are jokes and that I should get a sense of humour.
One of the things I love about myself is my singing voice, and he once told me when I was singing in the kitchen to stop shouting and that my parents only say I am a good singer because I am their child.
He would pick problems for no reason which made communication difficult. Whenever I talked to him about how I felt he would say that I am being over dramatic, clap at me as if I were putting on a performance, pretend to bow down to me and pretend to play the violin. He has called me a bitch and a spoilt brat in arguments.
He would say that I always want my way all the time. For example, when we were going on holiday and driving to the airport, I suggested that we take my car as his car was on its last legs (had broken down the week before). He was insistant that we were taking his car, and I felt so nervous all the way to the airport that we would break down. Another example is when I first moved into his place, he trapped a spider under a glass. I said to him that I would put the spider outside as it was cruel to keep the spider there. He said that I was interfering and getting what I wanted, and that he would be upset if I moved the glass. Now reflecting upon things, I wonder if he used all these moments to test my boundaries and nature.
It's so hard because I love this person, yet he has been so cruel. I told him after I was so upset, doubled over and wailing in pain after he played the violin again that I couldn't do this anymore. His response was 'go then' and to 'hurry up packing as I was wasting his time'. Then I get to my parents house and he texts me, telling me he loves me and doesnt want things to get nasty.
I am just so confused. I know this relationship is over for me, as painful as it is, but over the past couple of days it has been dawning on me that it was emotional abuse and not love. Surely if he loved me, he would see how cruel he has been and truly fight for me. He hasn't done that.
I would appreciate it if you could all give me your opinions and tell me whether you think I am being over dramatic. Obviously I am not perfect myself, and I keep thinking about all of the actions I did to contribute to this. It would really help me right now to label this for what it was.
Thank you.