Can't trust partner

[crapusername558]

So I've recently discovered my fiance has been buying lots of lads mags off eBay, I've been unwell for a long time and this is another punch to the gut. He's lied to my face about something else as well. I definitely don't trust him but can't leave as I'm bed bound, he's also caring for me so am really stuck. I've always thought those sort of magazines were vile, no friends or family to confide in and am constantly suicidal.

Once the trust is gone the relationship is over.

When he's gone you will feel low for a short time as you grieve the man you thought he was but then you will start to pick up your self esteem and the black cloud will lift and you will be on the path to downing happiness with someone who loves you and respects and cherishes you.

Thanks but I'm bed bound with ill health, not been able to go out for well over two years. When we first met we were both viewing porn but after a while I felt disgusted by it and stopped. He obviously continued, if I've said anything about it he gets angry and says all men watch it, I try and stay quiet as it just makes my health worse. We are both in our fifties and I'd have thought he'd have grown out of this by now, not be acting like a teenager.

You sound in a very vulnerable position OP.
Do you have any family support or friends .who can help you?
You could contact your local Social services to see what help you would be entitled to if you asked your partner to leave.
He sounds as though he is a porn addict .

If he has stuck by you for two years whilst your bed bound and cared for you I think you need to cut him some slack if porn mags is the only issue.

How long have you been together for? Sounds like you are using him.

If porn mags are the issue whilst he's stood by you and cared for you for two years then you need to cut him slack.

How is OP " using him"?
Do you say that to everyone in a relationship who is unwell and is forced to rely on their partner for help to live?
Horrible comment.

No I don't have any support at all, parents long dead and brothers not interested. No real friends. He almost had an affair in the summer, I think the only thing stopping him was that she was married and didn't want to hurt her husband or him (not me of course!). He also wanted to ask out a woman he'd only met a couple of times but he told his mother and she said bad idea! I think you're right about porn addict as he was never really interested in sex and could hardly ever perform, I really seem to pick them! With my health issues we haven't had sex since June 2022, he said it's crap anyway, why do people make such a fuss about it? I guess when you're used to your hand nothing else comes close.

How long have you been together OP? What was your relationship like before you became unwell...?

Twelve years. Can't see how I'm using him, I didn't ask to be struck down with a freak illness, nobody asks for this!

Twelve years. We actually got on really well before, lots of laughs and doing lots of things together despite having a lot of outside things happen, parent ill for a long time then dying, several house moves. We were looking forward to getting our lives back after COVID then this happens.

She literally said herself she can't/won't leave him as she needs him to care for her. How is that not using him?

My point is if you had 100percent health would you put up with all the stuff he has done? If the answer is no then you are using him to have your needs met by not leaving now. You mentioned affair territory now so I have more symphony than when it was magazines, that's a step above.

Your attitude is quite unbelievable.
OP has said she has no family or friends to help her and she is ill to the extent she is bed bound. She is literally at his mercy in this situation and yet you are blaming her.
I agree OP needs to get out of this relationship for her own good. And it's probably what her partner wants anyway.
But she needs help and advice on how to live when the relationship ends. She has got to get some sort of care package in place . You make it sound as though this is easy and she should just show him the door and lie in her bed with no one to help her survive.
Have you no empathy for someone in OP's position?

I haven't said anything nasty to the OP only stated that based on her opening post it is harsh to come on a forum and complain her partner has ordered lad mags when he has been caring for her for two years. Yes I have empathy for anyone who is bed bound it must be horrific but it must also be hard to care for someone who literally has noone else and to be be there physical and emotional blanket 24/7 - hence saying to cut him some slack.

The reality is she has is in a position where she is dependent purely on her partner (I haven't blamed her for this, could be down to her life choices or could be down to unfortunate circumstances not my place to say).

Well I think " using him" is blaming her.
OP has said at times she is feeling suicidal so I don't think she needs any one to tell her this situation is awful for her - and I agree with you that it must be difficult to be in her partner's position of being the carer when it looks as though he wants out of the situation.
I just feel she needs help going forward to get out of the situation and that's why she posted on the thread.
I suggested Social Services would be a starting point but actually I would think if OP talked to her GP they might be able to put her in touch with agencies to get her the support she needs to live independently from her partner.

Lads mags such as Loaded, FHM, or porn mags such as Mayfair etc?

Well I don't think it's harsh to use that term. I think it's useful for OP to understand that by staying with him despite not wanting to that is using him. I would do the same it such a situation so no blame but a reality check not to go mental over lad mags when she is so dependant on him.

The affairs on the other hand I would get very upset over. OP does it look like your health will improve in the near future? If not it sounds like you do need to take some control of the situation and make at alternative care plan incase thinga dont last with your partner.

I think you need to get social services involved as backup and in case this situation does not continue indefinitely. Because your condition is severe, sex is no longer a factor in your relationship, so you are focusing on the wrong thing.
Your relationship is probably co-dependent. He has stuck it out so far probably because he's OK with not having to work and being in receipt of carer allowance instead.
It's a case of what you want and need going forwards. It comes down to whether you are happy with the care you are receiving off him, or would you prefer to be looked after by health and social services. What he does in his own time is only relevant from the pov of if he is likely to opt out of his caring duties while still claiming the money for it and not supporting, as that would be abusive.
It's difficult to assess the situation without knowing what your illness is. Is it something that has a hope of improvement in the future, or is this lifelong and life-limiting?

U rnt giving him wot he needs, u r lucky it’s just mags, give him slack or prepare to be lonely.

This. Very hypocritical given you used porm too.

Op I'm so sorry you're in this situation it sounds incredibly difficult you must feel very trapped.

I think you will need to approach this carefully as you do currently rely on him. The first step needs to be putting in place other support. Could you look into assisted living options or carers?

Please head over to reddit love after porn there will be women there in similar situations with a great wealth of support and advice for you. Sometimes unfortunately it can be a slightly longer plan and binding time. But you are valid in everything that you feel and absolutely do not deserve this.

This is going to sound harsh but this man is not your partner, he is your carer. You need to find alternative care and seperate.

I withdraw my post as I thought I was replying to a young healthy woman.

Sorry op, it sounds grim. I hope you find a way out.