Is this a male thing or just a personal thing

[LuckyHiker]

Just a question I’m wanting too ask , when your ill does your male partner look after you?

I’m 23f with 27m we’ve been together for 4years and have 2kids.

Whenever he is ill himself he’ll take himself too bed to get rest and sleep and if the kids were running into the room to distrupt him just by noise he’ll literally moan and say he needs rest otherwise he isn’t going to get any better so of course I do let him rest however long he needs. When he was ill last week he was laying in bed and going to sleep and my 4yr old was also ill but laying on sofa as she does when she is ill she doesnt bother anybody she just lays in one spot. So it was just me and my youngest one awake really , I went into him and I said too him I’m taking her to my mums with me so I can get her jacket and he had got annoyed with me telling me to leave it for another time because he didn’t want too get up for when I ring the buzzer and because my other daughter was in the living room , just throwing a hissy fit really.

I am currently really unwell myself now, he’s all better and has gone into work, he’s stayed up all night over the weekend and had slept in Saturday 5pm and on Sunday 3:30pm leaving me awake with the girls all day. Sunday I started to feel ill which I told him after he had woken up I was starting to feel ill. He was getting little one to sleep at 6ish pm which is her bedtime and then came to me not long after handing me her dummy saying I’m not dealing with her. So Monday yesterday come I’ve really been under the weather really unwell , I’ve had to drop both my daughters to school and pick them etc and he’s saying how tired he is and how he’s only slept for an hour during the night as he couldn’t get comfortable so now tonight I’m left too deal with my youngest daughter who has a very bad cough ontop of me being ill.

When he had come back from work yesterday I been so ill I was falling asleep on the sofa and so was my daughter then she had started crying so he had left her with me and went straight to the bedroom so she had ended up waking me up so soon as I woke up that’s when he had come back into the living room 🫤?I feel so sh*t tbh

Wow, he's a totally selfish asshole.

He’s horrible and selfish. He’s not going to change. Sorry.

I'm so glad my hubby is the complete opposite. after being unwell for 2 weeks then collapsing last week and after tests finding I have glandular fever have since spent the days in bed so rotten since that hospital trip..We have twin 3 yr olds a 4 and 13 and hubby rang his work un-asked to take off unplanned time so I could rest even tho my parents offered to jump in to..And The last 3 days despite being loaded with cold himself now and feeling ill he has got up from 7:30am every morning and done the whole days feeding, walks,dressing,play, baths etc and actually super surprised how he has dived in and taken up my half without question, or debate etc and I love him even more... tomorrow they all go to grandmas for an overnight so I'm looking forward to seeing him chill for a little and hoping I soon start to feel well enough to get up and about again.

Nope, it’s not a male thing.

Show him this!

He is a fucking selfish arsehole. In his eyes, you’re a household appliance but you’re not totally broken yet, so he can still rely on you to not impact his life or his very important man job.

Sadly my partner (likely soon to be ex) is like this too.

My 6 year old got terribly sick, up all night, therefore I was too. He stayed home from school, so i was home with a sick 6 year old, 4 year old and an 8 month old (trying to keep them away from getting it!). He didn't help.

The 8 month old and me got it at the same time (4 year old escaped it!) No help. I could barely walk from one end of the house to the other but still had to take care of the 3 kids.

He got it a few days later and was in bed for 3 days and kept calling me to bring him food, drink, medicine, blankets etc.

I don’t think it’s a male thing as such no. My elderly father spends every moment of his day looking after my mother, and is up several times a night as well. My husband tends to do the dying fly when he feels even mildly unwell but when I am ill he isn’t exactly Florence Nightingale. He seems to get irritated by the inconvenience at times and I’d need to be properly floored before he’d consider actually taking time off. Maybe not even then tbh. However, your DH sounds selfish bordering on nasty, the up all night asleep all day stuff is insane.

I think it’s common for men to behave like this - shit men that is, and there are a lot of them about! My ex was like this.

My wonderful DP now is the opposite. He can’t do enough for me when I’m ill: cooks, cleans, gets me whatever I need, amends social plans to be considerate, checks in on me if he’s out. He would never leave me to look after our DC if I was unwell. Or expect me to look after an unwell child alone. Because he loves us and we’re his priority.

That’s how someone treats you if they love and respect you 💐

Tell him he’s doing it. When he says he’s tired as he couldn’t sleep remind him of all the rest he got when he was sick. Typical male behaviour really, they usually say they are sick too when the woman is unwell, but he can’t say that given he’s just recovered. I’d be asking him why he doesn’t care when you’re sick. Why he can’t step up and look after his own kids. Sounds like you do the majority of childcare so they then won’t settle for him. You’re one of many who can’t rest and recover when unwell as your partner is a selfish arsehole.

I don't think it is a male thing and my DH would not behave like this. He sounds incredibly selfish.

I was recently an inpatient for a few weeks, I then had surgery for another issue before going home. While I was recovering I was essentially scolded by my husband for trying to do chore type things, look after the kids etc.

What was the rush to produce two children at this young age with a selfish man? You are trapped now

I expect nothing less than what I would do for my husband, meaning leaving him to get some rest, bringing him soup and meals in bed, driving to the pharmacy for medicine if he needs anything.
I have only been ill once since having our children, and the whole week I was in bed he looked after the children on his own and did everything he was supposed to.
The house was an absolute mess afterwards, but he had been alone with a 3-year old and a 1-year old who didn't sleep through the night for a week at that point, so I didn't blame him for that 😄
Anything less than that and basically you're just a single mum with an extra child on your hands really.

Never needed him to, when u have kids illness can’t get in the way of life.

It’s not a man thing to rest when ill. Dh literally never takes to bed when sick or misses work. I think in the 16 years I’ve known him, he’s napped because he felt ill three times and one of those was COVID and I basically forced him into quarantine because I couldn’t get ill. I however definitely nap when ill and expect quiet so I can rest. It’s a good way to get better as long as you have a supportive co-parent.

Sleeping all day because you’re lazy and generally opting out of the boring bits of life though just makes him an asshole.

Sadly I think you will find more men than women behave like this on the whole (usually when there are children involved anyway) BUT it's not a generic all men thing. You have a spectacularly shit specimen of a man there. He doesn't see you as an equal. He barely even sees you as another human being. He treats you like "the help" so to speak.

You deserve better. I hope you feel better soon and can get some rest.

Yes. But it's not about you being ill. He sounds like a complete jerk who doesn't want to parent ever.

Sadly it is typical male behaviour because they are not socialised to put other people’s needs first. Women are. It’s a societal issue.
He is being a selfish arsehole and it needs to stop. This otherwise becomes the expectation of your children and it’s a horrible blueprint that needs to change. That women’s lives are service and men are to be serviced. Horrible.
Read him what you’ve written there. Have that discussion. (FWIW my ex was like this. My current husband not)

It’s a useless selfish asshole thing. My dh did this once and I told him that our marriage vows had gone two ways and if he thought it was just about me looking after him it had all been a lie and our marriage was over as fast as I could file. So now I get to look after myself when sick just like he does, while he takes the kids etc.