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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I was groomed, TW

5 replies

Endlesslywondering · 18/11/2024 22:47

I feel a bit sick writing this. When I was 18 & at college, I had a part-time waitressesing job. The married area manager, M, took a bit of a liking to me & at that age, I suppose I liked the attention. I don't think in a flirty way, but I had a troubled childhood with abuse & this man was kind & nice to me. I was good at my job & liked impressing him.

When I finished college at 21, M said I was a star & should work for the company full time as a trainee manager. I got a job a fair way from home & M organised accommodation for me. I don't remember having any contact with a head office, but that could be my memory.

Occasionally, M would turn up at the restaurant I was training at & one evening, turned up at my accommodation asking to come in for coffee. I let him in & I have no idea how it happened but he was asking if I trusted him, I said I did. He then said I should take my clothes off to prove it.

After some hesitation byvme & prompting by him, I did & I think I gave him oral sex. I think he thought I wanted to sleep with him.( I didn't) as he said he only had intercourse with his wife. As if that made it all ok ( I only think this now, at the time I thought he was principled)

We got dressed & he left. That was that. I don't remember much about the aftermath & I suspect when I saw him at work, he behaved as though nothing had happened.

So why, at 58, am I revisiting this? Reading it now, I feel embarrassed, mortified & stupid. What was I thinking? Truth be told, it just didn't occur to me at the time, I felt special. I was a pretty naive 21 year old & have always been too trusting.

Recently, the whole thing has been playing on my mind & I have found him on Facebook. He seems to have been a teacher. Should I drag it all up & message him or leave well alone? I feel I want to confront him & that he should be held to account. On the other hand, why add stress to my already stressful life?

What to do? Am I overthinking it? What is to be gained?

OP posts:
fourelementary · 18/11/2024 22:51

Oh that’s sad that you were taken advantage of like this. On one hand I feel if it were to be cathartic for you- then yeah message him telling him you now see him for the creepy adulterous pervert that he is.

But on the other hand the best revenge is a life well-lived and maybe you don’t want him thinking you even have any thoughts of him…

I guess what I’m saying is be kind to your younger and naive self- and do what you need to to feel a bit better about it all now… even if that means a few sessions of private therapy to just chat it over?

🌺

RockingBeebo · 19/11/2024 05:45

When I was 18 I had a "fling" with my former teacher. I had just left school. He was 38. At the time I found it so flattering he was interested in me. I ended it because it felt too complicated and a few years later was able to look back and realise what a sad sleaze he was.

I am 50 now and still think about him from time to time, wondering how his life turned out. If I came across him on social media I wouldn't dream of contacting him. I don't feel I need to tell him what I think of him.

I wouldn't feel in any way guilty or embarrassed about your experience. You were so young. We are all naive and too trusting at that age, we are desperate to feel attractive, we are also exploring the power of our sexuality over others. Looking back I engaged in some really quite sordid sexual experiences in my teens and 20s because I knew no better. I shudder a bit but fortunately I survived unscathed and I feel no guilt - I would just hate a daughter of mine to do the same.

Podcasts · 19/11/2024 06:11

I am not sure what good will come of you messaging him.
if you can access counselling I think that would be more helpful.

Endlesslywondering · 25/11/2024 21:18

Thank you for your messages. I was totally in my own head over this & turning it over in the small hours.

You're right, no good would come from contacting him & I need to find a way to let it go, maybe I do need to talk it over with a professional!

OP posts:
Mumof2girls2121 · 25/11/2024 21:44

Leave well alone. He was an older man you liked to impress, you were a young woman who he took a fancy too, even if you think differently now, your looking at it from a 40 year old perspective not what it was at the time which sounds like it was a work flirtation and ended with an icky one night stand

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