New relationship

[LucyL93]

I’ve been seeing a guy I met on hinge for almost 3 months. He is lovely, the first guy in ages who actually adds positivity to my life. We have a great time together and I can tell he really likes me. We have arranged to meet each others friends soon and it is heading towards a relationship.
However, there is one issue. We have not had sex yet.
things moved slowly which I was happy with. However in the last couple of weeks he has stayed over my place a couple of times. Both times we started kissing and touching in bed. However he couldn’t get hard. Both occasions we had had a few drinks.
I’m feeling quite insecure about it. I’m wondering if it’s the alcohol? The second occasion he had 5 pints and the first occasion a couple more.
or could it be nerves? Or perhaps he’s not that into me in a romantic way?
does anyone have any advice on how I can approach this?
I’m feeling quite frustrated but i don't want to give up on him as he is a rare gem otherwise!

Why not just ask him if he ever gets brewers droop?

I agree with pp: why don't you talk to him .
I always think it's strange when people are happy to have sex with someone but can't talk to that person about sex.

Is he really a 'rare gem' if he drinks this much alcohol? Each to their own, but this amount of alcohol is indicative of one who has poor boundaries around it or they are skewed - and, yes, it probably is a contributing factor.

After seeing someone for 3 months with no sex and his inability to get hard I'm more inclined to think it's a medical issue, although the alcohol probably doesn't help. If it's a new relationship though would expect some very passionate sleepovers and not just sleeping together with kissing and touching only.

Don't let this knock your self esteem, bite the bullet and gently ask if he has any issues in the bedroom, he is probably well aware and expecting this issue to be raised (no pun intended!).

Run far away...

I suspect he knows he has a problem. Bit odd to move to meeting each other's friends without having dtd. I think he's trying hard to make connections in other ways, to form bonds so you won't dump him. Depends if you are OK with a sexless relationship or not. A lack of passion wouldn't be for me.
This Will be nothing to do with you at all, so don't go down that path. This is a him issue entirely. You could try and see if he's more willing sobre. However, if I'd invited a new man round, I'd expect a steamy session would be on the cards, and be totally unimpressed if it didn't- call it incompatible if you like, he'd be gone.

Wondering how old he is and what kind of relationships he has had in the past.

But in any case, that would be a bit too much alcohol for me.
And don't forget that the beginning of a relationship is always the best and happiest time - if ED and excessive alcohol are already a problem, this may not progress well.

Thanks for your messages. He is early 30s and has been single 4 years.
I know the alcohol is not ideal, but he socialises a lot and this tends to revolve around beer for him and his friends.
i get the impression he is a bit inexperienced in the bedroom. Alcohol is likely part of the issue however he dosnt even try anything the next morning once he has sobered up. This makes me think there is more to it :(

It's definitely not going to be because he doesn't fancy you. What the heck was he doing snogging you in your bed if he didn't?
I'm surprised you didn't discuss it when it happened. Like 'are you ok? What usually turns you on?' etc. he must have said something to 'excuse' it, surely?
I'd try and get him into the sack next time earlier on in the day, so he won't be pissed. You could buy some Viagra and ask him if he wants it? That stuff is really not taboo at all now. If he finds discussing it too embarrassing, and he still can't perform then he's not leaving you much choice but to call things off.

Drinking that amount of drinks I’d wonder if he was taking another substance too which can prevent it. Just a thought especially if he was up for it.

Surprised that he's only early 30s, I was expecting older. OK at his age his lack of interest in sex would definitely bother me.
As someone upthread said, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period.

If you are OK with a relationship that is more platonic that's fine, but if you want a full relationship this guy isn't looking good op.
I'm a lot older than you and personally wouldn't waste my time trying to figure a bloke out, life is far too short.

I am not in the least puritanical about alcohol and love my beer, but 5-7 pints on a date seems a lot to me.

Agree with the previous post, the drinking would be a bigger issue to me than his erection issue to start with.

Exactly!

Could he be secretly trans and nervous to tell you before you love him?

defo not trans! I have felt it and it seems to be on the smaller side. Perhaps that’s making him nervous as well?

Drinking is a much bigger problem than people think. My exH, I met him when he was 28, could never get hard enough to even put a condom on. He was a big drinker too. I think he drank more than I realised. He also masturbated a lot to porn, another thing I was yet to find out.
As a result he was limp more than he wasnt and I just got fed up with it in the end as he wouldnt stop drinking or watching porn.

Five pints on a date (as opposed to out with mates) is quite a lot. When you say he had "a couple more" on the first date, do you mean he actually had 7 pints? I'm sorry but this is definitely a contributing factor. It's also not really that normal when a bloke is trying to impress and get to know a woman - unless it was specifically designed to be a piss up.

I think you need to have a honest conversation with him. He will likely know what the issue is. If he cant be open about it and seems reluctant to take responsibility in how you can both go forward then it's not the relationship for you. This is the time in relationships where things should be carefree and fun.

If he has issues with drinking or its porn induced erectile dysfunction then it's a long road to recovery, which requires a lot of patience from you. You won't be the priority in the relationship as its so early days I personally wouldn't take things further unless he can give you very solid evidence of what's going on and how he intends to address it going forwards. But as he hasn't mentioned anything as of yet he isn't indicating that would be the case at all.

You deserve someone who considers you. That's a bare minimum in a relationship. To not bring this up at all from his side displays a lack of concern for what you may be thinking/feeling It's quite natural to have confusion and feel a sense of sexual rejection if all the other signs were leading you along that path.

Possibly too much porn

Just be open and communicate.

not talking about it just makes the issue bigger and you won’t be able to progress into a positive ongoing relationship.

just ask him if everything is ok and if there’s anything you can do to help the situation. Ask him if it’s just nerves or if there’s a medical issue.