Struggling to move out

[Pinksworthy90]

I'm overwhelmed, tired and suffocated in this relationship. At this point, I have no interest in living and I don't find anything interesting anymore. But I have a 2.5 year old daughter whom I love dearly and its all her I'm living for. Its been 9 years of being married and I still don't have the courage to move out.

He has always been abusive, physically occasionally but verbally all the times. Calling me names. Has a very high temper and screams and shouts whenever he is angry. Made me stand out in the cold couple of times or eat a plate of rice sitting outside. He loves his DD very much and has never said anything to her or raised his hand on her, ever but last week he made her stand in the garden too. Repented for it later a lot and was very guilty, hugged her and said sorry, but then blamed me for making him do so. He keeps saying that keeping this family together is in my hands and if I don't provoke him he will always be a nice person. Every time there is a fight, he calls up my parents and makes me talk to them and explain what I have done, how he is a nice person putting up with me and they have to scold me over the phone as to how I'm not taking care of things correctly and else it wouldn't have happened. It breaks my heart seeing them take his side all the time as a fake show or else they know he is going to make a big deal of it and hurt me furthermore with his words or actions. I rarely speak back whenever there is an argument. If I say a single word, he says I'm not accepting my mistake and have the courage to argue back. It just escalates so much that I will be scared what he will break or hurt as a consequence. Many times, I have accepted my mistake and said sorry even though I was not guilty or had some explanation to offer. I have become mute for most of the instances. For example, not ordering his right juice in the mall last week, or not being able to handle DD this weekend when we went out (she started throwing tantrums because of which we could not go for lunch that he wanted to have and had to return home), or me not waking him on time this morning for his work (he has stressful work stuff going on this week and I apparently did this on purpose, according to him). He doesn't help with anything in the house. cooking, cleaning, working my full time job, taking care of DD and taking her to all her classes are just solely me.

We are from the Asian background and divorce is very much still a taboo. There is always 'what other people/friends think if you get separated' view from either parents or relatives. That thinking is even ingrained within us. My dad has however time and again told me that they are there for me whatever decision I take. He just asks me to leave him packing my bags along with my DD and stay independently, but last time I told him I have the courage and begged to talk to his son in law to make him calm instead, so he did just that. But I know he is not happy for me staying in this marriage. I'm just too scared to leave as I think I'm going to ruin the relationship between my husband and DD.

When he is calm, he is very loving and makes me always question if I would be doing the right thing by leaving him. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and is scared that someday we will leave him to be alone. He has always been alcoholic and recently it has been a lot, with him drinking everyday.

I have a stable job and earn good enough to take care of myself and DD. We have a house together, I just don't expect anything from him, be it alimony, childcare or even a share in the house. At this point of time, I just feel like I need safe place to stay and some peace. I just feel like sneaking out and staying in a hotel with DD to start with, but I'm afraid he will first fight over texts, then speaks nicely and then we will reconcile and things go back to being normal again. All our families are back in Asia, we are here on ILR, none of my friends here or abroad know my situation, so cant get any help from them. Infront of all the friends, he is very well behaved and no one even believe that he has this kind of personality. Part of what I'm also scared of - that I would be ruining his image in front of them, as they have also been his work colleagues in the past.

Are you resident in the UK?.

Is ILR short for "indefinite leave to remain"?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are in a codependent relationship with your abusive alcoholic H. Its over because of his alcoholism and the abuse and if you truly do want peace going forward you need to divorce.

Whose sake have and are you staying for?. Its not your child's really and it is not at all "easier" for you to stay with him. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you daily is also a continuous one.
It is for your DDs sake that you need to find the courage within you (and it is there) to leave this man permanently and safely. Stop the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you and your DD completely by no longer being a part of it. It matters not a jot that you are from a culture where divorce is supposedly taboo; all cultures permit divorce so do not use or hide behind that. You're also being abused daily by him so the marriage is over anyway. You may well be the subject of some gossip in the short term but people move on with their own lives. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind.

Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world.
The family man image is all important to abusers but your main focus needs to be on you and your child rather than him. You are not responsible for his abuses of you and in turn your child. Do not be afraid of supposedly embarrassing him; he should be the one to hang his head in shame here. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open and plan your exit from this sham marriage with due care. You can and should seek legal advice re divorce because knowledge here is also power. You can and should also receive a financial settlement in a divorce; he is also financially responsible for his child. Do not shoot yourself and your DD in the foot here by not wanting anything from him.

"I'm just too scared to leave as I think I'm going to ruin the relationship between my husband and DD".

What relationship?. Kindly put, he has ruined that already by his choices. Your H cares more for alcohol and abusing you as her mother. His primary relationship is with drink and where the next drink is going to come from. You're basically tolerating the intolerable currently and that will further wreck your mental health and self worth.

What do you want to teach your daughter about relationships and what is she learning here?. She may be very young but she's observing you and her dad all the time; you are her blueprint for relationships here. She cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes your example of a marriage is how men treat women. You would want better for her so properly show and teach her that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have a choice re this man, she does not.

What is the situation re the house and finances?. This information also needs to be put in front of a Solicitor.

re your comments in quote marks:

"We are from the Asian background and divorce is very much still a taboo. There is always 'what other people/friends think if you get separated' view from either parents or relatives. That thinking is even ingrained within us".

Again who cares what they think; as I wrote earlier you may be the subject of some scurrilous gossip for a short period of time but who cares about that?. Any person who judges you for divorcing him are people who are not worth bothering with and additionally have not experienced his abuses of you day to day. You know the truth here re your H and you cannot set yourself on fire here to keep other people warm.

"My dad has however time and again told me that they are there for me whatever decision I take. He just asks me to leave him packing my bags along with my DD and stay independently, but last time I told him I have the courage and begged to talk to his son in law to make him calm instead, so he did just that. But I know he is not happy for me staying in this marriage".

Thank goodness for your dad; he has your interests at heart here. Tell him the full truth about your marriage.

'He loves her very much' - no he doesn't. If he did he would not abuse you and her 'but last week he made her stand in the garden too' This is abuse and you need to leave for the sake of your daughter - This abhorrent treatment of your daughter will escalate for sure, as it will for you. Get out.

"He loves his DD very much and has never said anything to her or raised his hand on her, ever but last week he made her stand in the garden too. Repented for it later a lot and was very guilty, hugged her and said sorry, but then blamed me for making him do so. He keeps saying that keeping this family together is in my hands and if I don't provoke him he will always be a nice person"

The above is a typical abusive mindset and like all forms of abuse it has further escalated into now involving your DD. It will also keep happening.

He also sees your child as some sort of possession to pick up and otherwise put down when he feels like it.

You have never driven him in any way to abuse you and in turn your child; this is all on him and he is solely responsible. To an abuser its always someone else's fault and never their own.

BTW what if anything do you know about his childhood and or family background?. There are likely red flags present there too.

What you are experiencing is abuse and it is ruining your life and will traumatise your daughter.

However, I fully understand the difficulties you describe around extracting yourself from the relationship.

I don't think you will get good support in this thread. Many posters will make glib comments like, "get your ducks in a row" or they'll try to shame you into action "what are you doing to your child?!" because they have no comprehension of the layers of complexity involved, and also because we are largely a misogynistic society. Internalised misogyny is rife in this forum.

I wonder if you can imagine how you would like your life to be, for example, being divorced from your husband, living with your daughter and enjoying normal life on your terms. Minimal contact with him, feeling safe, and feeling loved by your family and friends.

That would be a good starting point. It gives you a goal.

With a goal, you can plot steps to the end point. Your first step has been to give voice to your situation in here. Your next might be to phone a support service for women in your culture. Some sort of professional advice service which can provide factual information about legalities and practical support.
You might have a friend you can trust with your story who can provide moral support.

You dint have to live like this. I know it probably seems like pure fantasy but the prospect of a life without abuse is within the realms of possibility. I know it's hard when there is someone in your face telling you it's all your fault. It isn't. Besides, fault is neither here nor there because in our society you are entitled to live how and with whom you choose.

You've done well to voice your situation and I know you can achieve a better life. Do you think you could phone a professional help service?

Please read about the current case where a 10 year old Asian girl was murdered by her father and step mother having been abused for a long time. He killed her and they covered it up, left the country and are now on trial. Your husband made your small daughter stand in the garden for punishment. This is not normal behaviour. You are both at risk. You need to make a plan to leave at short notice. Contact Woman’s Aid for advice.

The only misogynist here in this thread is him. Not on MN as a whole. Whatever gave you that idea?.

Male abusers hate women, all of them. And why also state OP will not get good support in this thread?. It’s not helpful to write such things.

Your poor dad is obviously in bits - he can see what is happening to you and no matter about your culture, he is telling you he will support you if you want to leave your husband. Please please take him up on this. Your father wants to protect you. Stop worrying about your husband's relationship with your daughter and prioritise you. Women frequently get killed by their abusive partners- 3 per week is the current figure. Please please stay safe and take your dad up on his offer.

What you describe is an awful way to live, that won't get better for you or your daughter. The longer you stay, the more you will be ground down, the harder it will be to leave.
It's good your father supports you - it's also good that you're aware enough that as and when you leave, he will try to temporarily change and try to sweet talk you into coming back.
But you know that an alcoholic controlling bully is not going to change, and that living with him is only going to put you and your daughter in danger.
You need to go. You know this already. It won't be easy, but it will hurt you so much more to stay.

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