Can he really be doing this to me

[singlemumof2]

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We've two children. I've been a stay at home mum since kids were born, before that I was a full time carer for my mum so I've a big work gap.
I always planned on going back to work when kids were school age but unfortunately after he left the relationship I became very ill with my health.
I've recently thought about going back to employment and learn a new skill by attending a part time course until I seen a job advertised that is basically an apprenticeship. It will allow me to learn and earn both a wage and a degree!
Before I coukd apply I had to resource childcare and speak to advisors about how I could be affected financially as I was put in a support group to receive a few extra quid a month as I was deemed unfit for work due to my health at the time.

Registered childcare is very hard come by in my area but I miraculously secured 2 places and felt safe enough to just send my cv in and see.. I advised the kids dad of what I was doing abd to inform him the kids would be with a Registered childminder 4 days a week for 2 hrs.
Well it didn't go down well. Since we broke up he was having the kids every other weekend overnight. If he asked to see them during anything outside of that I always give him the time with them. That then progressed to him asking them one overnight mid week which I also agreed to even though it broke my heart.
Everything has been absolutely fine up until I told him I was hoping to go back to work. He also works. He's told me HIS children will not be going to a child minder and he'll take them during the days I'm working. Claiming he'll have them collected from school and keeping them overnight. Meaning I wouldn't get to see my kids 4 days a week.
If I did somehow get this position the hrs are 9-5. I've time to drop them to school, then the minder lifts then from school and has them 3-5. I finish at 5, the childminder is a 2 min drive from my job and our home. So I'll be doing the same as any other working parent and collecting my child after school, feeding them, homework, bath and bed.
Hes also decided now he won't be paying me contributions anymore towards the children because he says I get awarded benefit money for being a single parent so there's no need for him to pay because I get covered for that!
I just feel sick about it all. Its all stemmed from me applying for the job and looking childcare for those 2 hours.
He claims he simply doesn't want the kids going to "a stranger" and says he's trying to help me out by taking the kids to allow Me to work. But HE works so I'm not sure how he'd manage that, I think he expects his new partner to do it. Even so, why does that mean I can't collect the kids at 5 and bring them home? Why can he go to work as normal and get to come home to the children, feel like I'm being punished.. Its put me off wanting the job now because from how I've took all this the option I have here is stay as I am a stay at home mum and he'll not look extra days because they aren't going to a minder OR go to this employment to better myself but not get to see my children! It's just massively put me off now when I was actually very excited about it. And I'm totally gobsmacked that he's put all this on me when I thought I was doing something positive for myself and the children

Wow he is trying to control you, carry on with your plan and don't give in.

Claim CSA directly

He doesn't want you to have a better life and move on.

No he can’t dictate to you that you can’t go back to work.

Forge ahead with your plan and ignore him. It sounds like he still has the ability to control you even now you’re split and he has a new partner - you need to toughen up (meant nicely) and tell him to get lost.

He can go to court if he wants 50/50 access (he won’t) and you should go through CMS for maintenance and make it official.
Speak to a solicitor (I think you get a free 30 mins) or ring women’s aid maybe and speak to the kids school about the situation and tell them he is not to take them from school without your permission. Things are possibly going to get nasty and you need to be prepared for that and know your rights.

Hopefully though when he realises you’re not backing down he’ll discard his little plan as quite honestly, I doubt he’s going to want to go from every other weekend to 50/50. He sounds like a nasty, selfish dickhead.

I'm hoping it was an idle threat out of bad temper but somehow I think im going to have an emotional time ahead of me with this!
He's saying he's trying to help me out by taking the kids instead but that's not exactly helping when I'm feeling as if I'm not actually going to see as much of my children.
I always give in because I do respect him as the kids dad and for the kids sake because they love the bones of him.
But I'm just trying to do the same thing every working parent does. I'd work, then collect my children and do my mum routine. I don't understand how the kids being with a Registered minder should mean he should take the kids overnight completely. He works until 6!! I'm just completely shocked by it all, and really worried. And judging myself as a mother now about pushing myself back into work when I coukd still be at home with them. Feel like complete rubbish

if this was togo to court, how would a solicitor or judge look at this. Am I doing something wrong? Is he in the right here?

Just say no and go via CSA.

No. You’re not doing anything wrong. He works later than you. You are trying to better your living situation for yourself and your children. Is there not an after school care they could attend? If not, send them to the child minder. He is abusive. This is post separation abuse and he is using the children to have coercive control over you. Let him make his threats. You should learn the grey rock method and only communicate with him via text about child contact. Go to cms and have them make sure he pays for the children. Also, if he has them 4 nights a week and you 3, he could actually claim maintenance from you! So, do not allow that. Keep it to every second weekend, him picking the children up from school on Fri and dropping them at school on Monday and 1 night during the week overnight that he doesn’t see the children for the weekend. This could be one of your childminder days which would save you money too. A court would see this arrangement as perfectly reasonable. You’re not trying to prevent access, you’re trying to be child focused and allow contact with their father that is fair. Every second weekend means you both get quality free time with the children and 1 night during the week means he sees the children when he doesn’t have them for the weekend and also takes some responsibility for the school run, homework, etc. It’s a stable routine for the children.

Have a read of this book. It will be helpful for you.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

If you would work till 5 and he works till 6, even using a childminder, the children would be with a parent for more time by staying with you than by being with him. However, if you were to go to court, they would probably start with the premise that the children spend 50/50 with each parent.

So, to begin with I would do and say nothing. He is obviously trying to wind you up and there is no point in discussing anything until you know you have definitely got this apprenticeship.

If you do get the apprenticeship ( which sounds amazing by the way) then that is the time to have discussion about the children and who spends what time where. I'd go with the childminder option while you have discussion with him. In order to go to court over residency you need to have tried mediation first. Let him take you to mediation and there you will have a structured supportive way of discussing the issue with him.

You need to keep in mind that unless there are abuse issues then 50/50 would be seen as fair and you need to try and get your head around the children doing this. However, as part of the mediation, you should be able to get a clear agreement on how the children are to be looked after when they are with him yet he is at work. ( Ie not an assumption that his girlfriend will do it but a clear arrangement with eg extended family).

Your best bet at the moment is to not show any stress/upset to him but do an " Ok, whatever, no point discussing it until I know if I have the apprenticeship etc. He is reacting emotionally and possibly upset that you are able to take control and improve your prospects. The less emotional pushback you can give at this time the better.. The more you push back the more he is likely to push back against you. If you can come at it with an " ok let's sort this out in a rational and calm and reasonable manner, you will have more of an upper hand."

Contact Women's aid for advice.
He is trying to control you and stop you working by threatening to take your children.
That is abusive.
You need advice.
Contact CMS and put in a claim.

Stop respecting him.
He is not a good man.

Please be aware though that the starting point for child residency should it go to court will be 50/50. I know this will be very upsetting for you but you need to bear it in mind
You also need to agree ( via mediation or otherwise) what will happen during school holidays. Is he able to provide full day care then, would your childminder do it etc.

If he is expecting he's girlfriend to cover all that childcare, then your argument could be that you would rather the children be with a trained professional regulated carer and that she wouldn't be a stranger for long. His girlfriend however has less experience and training ( unless of course she is a trained nursery nurse etc) and is as much of a stranger to you as the childminder is to him.

But for now, DO NOT engage with him other than to say "Well let's see if I actually get the apprenticeship"