Partner can never take responsibility in an argument.

[Justalittle1]

We had an argument at the weekend. He left a really large heavy piece of wood up against a shelf in the lounge (1mx2m solid mdf) we have slippery wooden floors. We have a 2 year old who obviously being the inquisitive thing she is pulled it down. I was with my other daughter down other end of lounge. I went running and she started screaming. I picked her up and thank god she was not underneath it as she would have been very hurt. I turned to him who was about couple of feet away by now and said why on earth did you leave this here. I was a bit more distressed as the situation really could have been bad. He then just stops and makes a comment about how it’s not his fault, weird sulking nosies, going on about why is it his fault then stormed upstairs. Didn’t ask if she was ok, or go over to her. I basically replied because it is your fault, what do you want me to say. He came down after a shower and never even made a comment about it.

It happens all the time like this. I find this really immature. If it was me I’d be really upset that I may have hurt my daughter and give her hugs. No one likes making mistakes but it’s a bit silly if you can’t admit them.

Am I making a big thing about this? I was just so annoyed that he was angry at me for reacting instead of being worried about her.

Do you have arguments with him often

Do you often feel like assigning blame is the most important thing?

No, his response isn't good at all, but I used to get so defensive when something bad happened because my Dad's first act would be to assign blame. Yes, OK, a mug smashed because I left it too close to the edge of a cupboard, but did it really need a rant about it. I get what happened, I'll clean it up, I don't need someone ranting and raving me to teach me a lesson. It made my first reaction to everything be "It's not my fault", and that's something it took me a long time to unlearn as an adult.

No I don’t have arguments very often and I don’t feel I have to assign blame. The first thing he did was the blame our 2 year old for pulling it down @VimesandhisCardboardBoots and getting cross with her. I got upset and said it’s your fault not hers. I was upset as she could have broken her neck or something else if she pulled it on her. I could barely lift it.

Then he tried to blame me. None of it was anything to do with us.

I don’t think the wood in the lounge is the best example to give - if he had just placed the wood there because he was doing work in the lounge/fixing things, then you both should have made a plan to take DD out of the room and go play outside or in her bedroom. If the wood had been there for hours/days then you both should have taken some responsibility to say ‘hey we need to move this so it isn’t a danger to DD.’

Rather than focus on what happens in the arguments, I think you can both focus on improving communication between you so it doesn’t have to descend to an argument.

I think you should take your children and go and stay with family or friends because this is where abusive behaviour starts

He placed it there but he didn’t tell me. That is the problem. He doesn’t communicate with me he just expects me to read his mind. If he had told me then I would have watched. It happens all the time and I tell him that he needs to talk to me and me be looking at him or engage with him so as we know that we are engaged. He will huff off and say well I told you but you clearly have bad ears and going deaf so I did it anyway.

I definitely think you need to be more concerned about the big lack of communication than who takes responsibility for what in an argument.

Can you broach it with him as a ‘us together’ problem? How can we make our lives easier, how can we make the day go smoother?

If not, I’d be having a good think about whether you want to be in this relationship for the rest of your life.

Honestly I’ve tried to talk to him about this. He can’t seem to see it from my perspective. He is terrible with any kind of conflict. He is a real people pleaser but when confronted about something he is like a child. He won’t really talk to me about anything serious.

Does he show a lack of emotional intelligence in other areas? Or is taking accountability the main area he struggles with?

Do you feel he engages with DARVO
Deny attack reverse victim offender?

Umm he isn’t abusive, doesn’t shout or swear or manipulate me or any of the other signs. He is just emotionally quite immature. It’s becoming more and make obvious as things happen in our life he doesn’t have the ability to deal with them. It feels very avoidant which means we never talk about it in a way where anything gets fixed, it gets forgotten if that makes sense.

I hate, hate, hate people who won't take responsibility for their actions & behaviours, because my Dad was like this so it pushes all my buttons. He never changed.

You can try and talk to him about it in a neutral setting, you could try asking him to do marriage counselling to discuss it, not sure either would be much use. Only you can decide if you can live with his because it's unlikely to change.

Sorry to be pessimistic but if he won't talk or even acknowledge the problem there is no way to resolve it.

Blaming a 2 year old for anything at all is ridiculous and worrying.
I don’t know how you can address his behaviour, but as your child gets older, if he continues to blame her for the accidents that children have because they’re children, he’s heading for a terrible relationship with her.

Leave him

I wonder if he perhaps could be mildly autistic maybe. He is a mummy’s boy and I don’t think he’s done a single things wrong before, it feels. I think leave may be a bit far fetched at the moment, it’s certainly annoying though.

Oh, this could have easily been a conversation between me and my husband a few years ago!
I don't think you're overreacting. Someone being defensive all the time and deflecting everything back to you is incredibly exhausting. Honestly, if things hadn't changed, I would have eventually left my relationship over this.

However, the road to improvement was one where I also had to admit that my husband wasn't the only one communicating poorly. And that we were stuck in a dynamic that we were both responsible for.
As soon as I stopped seeing myself as a victim, and him as the wrong-doer, things changed and we were both able to communicate about the things we were failing at.
It stopped being about who was to blame, but it became about what we can learn from this situation.

My husband grew up with incredibly critical parents. He can never do anything right. So receiving criticism is an enourmous trigger for him, and whenever he does he reverts back to very pubescant responses. He's aware of that now. We're at a place where he now knows that being defensive and deflective may serve him, but they destroy the connection in our relationship and that the only right thing to do is take accountability. And that when he takes accountability, he won't be pushed down by me even harder - which is what his parents would have done. After owning up to a mistake, he receives only kindness and love and respect from me. I have become a safe space for him to be vulnerable. But that took a lot of work from me too, and I had to own up to the fact that I wasn't safe at all. I was putting him down all the time. No wonder he couldn't be vulnerable.

Thanks. The thing is I don’t put him down at all, hardly ever. In situations like this where you cant help but be a bit emotional as it could have been serious. It happens maybe 2 times a year. I feel like he wants me to be his mum and constantly encourage him. For example I do most of the housework as he works far more then I and have the kids (which we both cook with). He will sweep and then he wants me to go with him whilst he explains all he has done and wants a pat on the back. I’m happy to say thanks yeah it looks good. But in return everything I do is invisible and he won’t be paying attention if I explained it. Being at home and raising kids is hard sometimes. I will say today has been hard and will be met with well my day was hard at work. I find it competitive and I’m not looking for that, just a yeah it’s hard and give a cuddle or something.

@Girlmom35 absolutely yes it destroys the connection in the relationship. I’ve tried to explain this to him and he thinks I’m being silly and emotional but it’s important to me.

That sums it up, doesn't it?
Something is important to you. A true loving partner would be interested to know about things that are important to you, even if he doesn't find them important himself.
You can't force someone to care about you.
If he's unwilling to change, it's up to you to decide if this is how you want to live your life?

He sounds very immature in general. Have you tried telling him how you feel? That you feel he is being competitive and you'd just like him to sympathise/agree/hug you rather than compete? If so, how did he react?

Is he empathetic generally? I'm going to guess not...

But the OP's dd could have been seriously injured. That's not the same as a mug smashing.

The op is perfectly right to get upset about what could have happened.

He does have empathy but I’d say it’s more towards things he wants to give it to. I’d see a homeless person and feel sorry about how they got there and how hard it must be whereas he’d say oh well probably their own fault and give it no more thought.