Ex husband......

[novembernovember24]

Thoughts…?

I was with someone for over 8 years and we ended up getting married and it last 6 months, we had two children together and in the years all the red flags where there all the time I don’t know why just turned a blind eye to it all (stupid of me I know) I was 100% totally inlove with this bloke he was to me my best friend my soul mate and my one, I thought we would end up growing old together the lot.

Obviously we broke up and I found out few months after he had cheated and was with the woman he cheated on me with. In the previous years he always had an eye that used to wander there was alot of this and I did put up with it 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄 he would some how worm his way out of it all the time. Was very good at that. He was controlling too and isolated me from friends and family. He used to look through my phone and he even got super jealous when a manager took an interest in me and said I was attractive and made little comments about me even though I shut him down and never entertained it, he even went to the extent off going to my works and having it out with him infront off everyone which was soo embarrassing! He would belittle me infront of people, be moody, snappy aggy the lot…..

Fast forward to today, I have to chat with him and get on as such because we have children together, we are amicable, but he’s made sexual remarks and stuff implied things etc I just think wow you cheated on your ex before me then cheated on me and you have clearly cheated on this other woman who you left me for…. Like a leopard never changes its spots!

Why is he like this?

He has said to me he regrets what he did and wish he could turn back the clock and misses me and still loves me, has said he’s happy but it’s not ‘us’ but I’m just like are you even capable of loving anyone?

I don’t know if it’s childhood that has caused this bloke to be like this but it just baffles me. Does he not feel bad for constantly cheating on women and hurting them?

This bloke will never settle down and I think why? Why be like this? For me we had it all, good income, a family unit and life, good jobs, a house and had just got married and got a new car. He ruined it all for what? The grass not being as greener as he thought? When I say to him are you even happy with ‘her’ he just says yeah just she pisses me off sometimes and I’m like hmmm is this the truth because if you was happy with someone why would you try it on with your ex wife?

He’s tried it on with me too….. what is this? Oh I want to come back now or just wants to have his way again…. Or is it because he actually misses me? head f*ck really. Cruel too as we split up over 4 years ago!

Please no shitty comments just want thoughts on this that's all.

He wants to shag as many women as possible. He’s learned that saying that he loves someone is a good way to get into their knickers so is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Sorry that you picked a crappy husband and I hope that what you learned about listening to your gut and looking at ted flags helps you find better relationships in future.

He likes the chase. Variety is the spice of life. Whatever it is he is obviously not suited to monogamy.

Men like that need to come with a warning!

This bloke will never settle down and I think why? Why be like this? He wants a partner for sex. He doesn’t care about the other stuff but knows that saying it is a good idea to keep a woman in his life. He doesn’t love or respect you. He knows your weaknesses and how you think so knows what to say to push your buttons.

Why do you care why he's like this? You're not with him any more, you just have to co-parent with him. Shut down any conversation that isn't about the children, making it clear that you're not interested in talking about him and what's happening in his life. Keep any contact with him to a bare minimum.

You describe him as controlling, jealous, isolating you from friends and family, cheating on you, putting you down in front of others and being moody. This is the man who was your 'soul mate' 'true love' and 'best friend'??? I would suggest getting some therapy so you don't accept being treated like this in your next relationship.

Because this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I echo this, Why do you care? He’s a pig of a man. You speak of him with an almost wistfulness but he’s an utter scumbag.

Take a step back, the only communication you should have is about the children via a parenting app and then you should take yourself off, give your head a wobble and look into taking a freedom program.

He does it because he can and he has no conscience. He sounds like a manipulative charmer, no doubt he is good looking and very charming. He has temptation and opportunity and he cannot resist, he won't care who he hurts as it is all just a game. He is a wrecking ball, going from one woman to the next. It will be impossible for any decent person to make sense of his behaviour as it is so alien to anyone with a shred of decency.

Did you think that divorce would have made him change for the better? He’s just looking for someone else to bring misery to. Odds are he’ll succeed. It’s in their nature.

I think you need to keep him far more at arms length. Tough if he regrets you splitting up. That's not your problem. Keep conversations strictly to what is necessary as regards the children and don't allow general chit chat. This will be hard but it's the way forward. I don't agree with this great pals with ex nonsense.

He's an asshole. Some people are.

I was like you and assumed everyone was lovely and it took an embarrassingly long time as an adult for this to fully sink in with me.

I'm old now and as cynical as they come. I sort of assume people are assholes unless they prove otherwise. It makes life a hell of a lot easier as I am less impacted by raging disappointment all the time.

He's a bad man..it's that simple. It's hard for decent people reconcile that.

Who cares what he wants. He hasn’t earned this level of fascination from you. Bet he’s not on websites trying to fathom out the intricacies of your relationship.
Do yourself and other women a favour and just shut him down.
He may regret what might have been but doesn’t usually bother these types until they’re middle aged and suddenly want a supportive family and a comfortable home with a woman to dote on them.
You got rid. Well done. It’s over.

He thinks you're a safe bet for an easy shag, and is saying what he thinks will work on you.

Why do you let him take up your mental energy? He's a manipulative, abusive, worthless person. He doesn't deserve any effort on your part. Grey Rock all interaction and keep it as brief as possible while you co-parent.

This is spot on.

Who cares? I wouldn’t give any of it an inch of head space. Be civil and that’s enough.

Do you know what? You don’t have to wonder why. You can just not wonder at all. He is as he is and that’s it. He is living rent free in your head. You can make an active decision that he isn’t going to be in your head and just … leave him to it.

Remember, you aren’t living in his head. Not in the slightest. And it’s not doing him any harm at all, at all.

Look up “Mynavatar” on Instagram.
She talks so much sense & she’s British.

Also look up “Annalie Howling” on Insta. She’s also British and her take on relationships helps clarify thoughts.

You sound like a lovely, if a little naive ,person, exactly like I was 30 years ago.My ex was exactly like yours too and probably still would be if I gave him the time of day.
Because you’re a nice person basically he is playing you, he doesn’t want you, but wil prove he could still have you. Not a nice person, don’t fall for it and like others have said contact can be just the basic when and where conversations re kids. Don’t let him mess with your feelings.

You can be business like and civil and have a functioning coparenting relationship that doesn't involve you having to have the conversations where he's got enough airtime or access to your energy and attention that he can slide in there personal information.

Shut it down. There are people out there who will keep on kicking doors until one of them opens. Make sure your's isn't one of them. He will get bored and move on when he realises there's no reward to be had, and you're not giving him any energy past the basic child care arrangements information that is absolutely necessary. Get him behind you, and out of your head, he's a waster.

I would say there is been amicable for the children and over involved . Asking these questions is not helpful to you .

you can be amicable without been involved in his life

Never waste any of your life analysing a man. This particular shagger is just wandering through life, trying to get into any knickers he can.
Only communicate with him via a parenting app. No chats, no messaging.

He’s tried it on with me too….. what is this? Oh I want to come back now or just wants to have his way again…. Or is it because he actually misses me? head fck really. Cruel too as we split up over 4 years ago!*

Why is he doing that? Because he is a twat. But also because he has no conscience. He doesn’t care if he is hurting you in the process of flirting/trying it on with you.

Don't let him mess with your mind.
I know you need to keep things as amicable as possible but you need to shut him down as soon as he makes any comments that are slightly out of line.

You might also benefit from seeing a therapist. 4 years on, You shouldn’t be in a place where you wonder if he misses you. He doesn’t.

I don't think you should give him the headspace either.

He hasn't changed, he would just like to have sex with you again.

It's an ego thing, it's a validation thing, it's a "I can't be that awful if she still wants me" thing, it's a randy bastard thing.