The absent father effect on daughters - has anyone read this?

[lostcircles]

I lost my father when I was 14 due to long term illness and while I consider myself quite fortunate in life, a good job, loving DH and two great kids, I know I have lots of issues that I wonder whether are due to this. There is a book with the same title and I wondered whether it's worth buying or would it open up too many things I'm not ready for. I appear confident to many but inside I have major 'little girl' issues, always feeling inferior to other women my age, imposter syndrome at work, I am quite frigid physically, always have been and have always had a lot of 'fantasies' about another life style. I also find myself rubbish at confrontation to anyone else but can snap quickly at DH, almost using him as a venting tool, but never to other family members. This may have nothing to do with father issues but wondered if anyone had similar experiences and whether they found books like this useful?

Have not read the book but my understanding is that our sense of self (confidence etc) comes from the relationship with the parent of the same sex, and the way we relate to romantic partners comes from our relationships with the parent of the opposite sex. I have observed this in me and my friends and it has been accurate

That's really interesting. If a son didnt have a father involved in his life, who would he get his sense of self from?

Dunno about the books.
My dad abandoned us (my brother and I) when I was 7yo.
DM never had another relationship and maybe that's why I'm not used to sharing my space with an adult male - I find it inconvenient, a burden almost. I've tried it but it's not my thing, so I doubt I will ever have a "live-in man" ever again.
My brother is relationshipless and childless at nearly 40.

In my case this would be bang on - though I try very hard not to follow the same pattern as DM

That's really interesting what you say about the 'burden' and 'inconvenience'. Thanks for sharing. I find sex a burden and inconvenient tbh, I've always felt quite uncomfortable with intimacy and I wonder if that's connected. My DH struggled with me quite a bit at the beginning as I didn't know what it was like for a man to take care of me. Still feels strange sometimes.

My father was never affectionate and didn't give us much attention. He simply didn't know how to be a present father as he didn't have one himself (and his mother didn't raise him). When I was 14, my mom moved to another country without him. Yes, I did have daddy's issues that I only discovered after 30, but it was more the fear of abandonnement. However, I was never frigid. Not do I think that you mistreating your husband has anything to do with your father, especially if he was a good father to you. You have to control yourself and be respectful towards your spouse, not having a father has nothing to do with this behaviour. Dreaming about a different lifestyle is sometimes many people do, especially those who feel stuck (and maybe who have victim mentality), but I don't see how this would be caused by not having a present father, which wasn't even your case.

I do not think I am mistreating my husband. I just struggle with some things. My case wasn't easy at all. Growing up for 14 years with a very sick father and then watching him die slowly is not something that's easily moved on from. Different to a father leaving someone - not worse - but just different. If I behave oddly at times then ok but a bit harsh to insinuate I deliberately mistreat him.

English is not my first language, so my vocabulary is limited, what I meant is that I don't see how snapping at your husband (but not at other people, which shows that you might be insecure and are a people pleaser? Or you blame your husband for something?) would come from your childhood, you have to simply control yourself and learn to appreciate that you have a loving husband as not everyone has that. I can imagine how hard it must have been with an ill father, but I doubt that issues that you mentioned have to do with it.

In terms of father's issues, I see some direct consequences on me, for example when I see a loving father with a daughter, I feel sad, because it reminds me what I didn't have. I pursuied relationships with emotionally unavailable men basically recreating my childhood. My current husband is similar to my dad, even a bit physically, I even had a dream when we met that he was transforming into my dad or vice versa. He was very emotionally unavailable and it was a rocky relationship. Once I fixed my fear of abandonnement, I put boundaries and he started changing for the best.

I do have a bad temper, but I don't attribute it to my father. I sometimes feel envious of other women, but again, it has nothing to do with my father. I started practicing gratitude and it helped a lot.
I did some therapy which helped me deal with some of these issues as well. It's probably the best thing to do. Once you know where your issues stem from, you could chose the appropriate book.

Also interested to hear if anyone has read the book. My parents split when I was young and my Dad didn't bother much with us and do think it has had a big impact on me and my siblings.

I think it could be a good thing for you to look into how this has affected you.
It is quite incredible how these feelings manifest- resentment towards the absent father, resentment towards a loved one who had a present father, resentment that a loved one cannot replace an absent father etc.

Idolisation of your father- which is natural- could be making your husband look inferior in comparison. Or if you're looking for a protective figure in your husband- also natural- but he isn't quite up to scratch, you might be having an issue with that.

Don't be afraid to consider the link between your father and your husband- they are most likely the two most impactful men in your life.

I lost my father at a young age, and the best advice I was given was 'Don't let the rot set in' i.e. talk, let it all out, identify and feel your feelings. Don't let your troubles stick around.

I wasn't troubled as such by my absent father issues, but I did unintentionally seek a strong, protective figure as a partner. My husband is older than me, tall, physically and mentally strong, stable, calm, etc. It's only natural to want that when you have no one else to fit that role.

My only bit of rot that set in without me realising was my jealousy and envy of those with fathers- particularly around the time my friends were getting married or having children. Therapy helped find that and deal with it.

I think it also depends heavily on whether the child percieved their father as 'absent'.
Some fathers are absent by choice, others by just bad luck or fate. Some children differentiate between those.
Also, some fathers are physically present but emotionally absent, unreliable, uninterested. For some children this may cause the same effects as having a father walk out on them.

A fathers behaviour tells young girls what they are worth. A father f.e. who was ill but struggled to stay alive as long as possible to be part of his childs life could hypothetically even have a positive effect on the daughters sense of self-worth.

Also, having other present male role models who do take on that role can mediate to some extent the damage that is done by having an absent father. Like a grandfather, uncle, teacher, big brother, ...

So the big question is, what did your fathers actions lead you to believe about yourself?

@Girlmom35 that's interesting and I think you're right.

My DM lost her father when she was a teenager.

My own father (he cannot be referred to as DF), made my mum's life hell before leaving her, me and my sibling to struggle. He was then in and out of our lives at his convenience before disappearing completely.

I had no male role models other than poor ones as after my father left, my stepfather was physically abusive to my DM and mentally abusive to us all. He hardly uttered a word to me from the age of 7 until I left home. He clearly resented my inconvenient existence.

I think both of these men have had a hugely negative impact on me. One in their absence, the other in their constant emotional abuse.

I am married but have massive attachment and self confidence issues.

I think I may have seen the book the OP is referring to and had a look for it. I consider myself pretty damaged by my childhood and I'm not sure I can be fixed tbh.

If by 'fixed' you mean that you could ever function or think like someone who hasn't gone through all that, you're right. It can't be fixed, erased. You will always be someone who has gone through it.

However I do firmly believe in healing, not fixing (because fixing would imply that you're somehow 'broken', which I disagree with. Impacted, yes. Hurt, probably. Not broken!)

Healing can happen. Healing happens when the need for love and validation can start coming from within yourself, rather than looking outward for the things you were entitled to, but never got from the men in your life. When you stop feeling and acting like you depend on it.
Healing is facing the hurt and trauma, but also recognising your strenght, because you're still standing despite their best efforts to knock you down.

It's not an overnight thing. But I'm on that path and I'm liking it more and more with each passing year.

@lostcircles sometimes the loss of a parent young can be like falling off a cliff. Possibly a low one, possibly a high one. It can create a sense of insecurity around having solid bonds and a sort of push-pull towards-away within other relationships; insecurity within oneself too.

Unresolved grief can also come out as snappiness at times, as well as a sense of sadness and of insecurity.

It might be worth considering if either of these or both affect you. They might not, but it's worth giving it a bit of thought.