What is normal?

[Heinzbeannothasbeen]

I’ve recently been living with a ‘feeling’ I’m being treated strangely in some way I can’t put my finger on and constantly told I’m not normal vs the rest of the public so thought I’d seek some advice, starting with -

If your DH wanted to go abroad for a stag do, when he’d not long already been on one, would he just book it/pay without discussing it? I don’t mean asking for permission - I mean more of a, you’ll need to sort some time for you too, what childcare provision might we need, do we have the money, logistics etc etc.
Context - all DH’s friends apart from 2, don’t have children and then only have 1 and many childcare options. We have 2 young children.

For a bit more - DH did go abroad recently and after a video call with DS, who got upset and wanted him to come home, said he wouldn’t leave them again for that long as it was awful (despite having already paid for the one early next year at this point). Now it’s been a few months and he’s decided he wants to go so now he’s saying he only said he wouldn’t go again because I emotionally manipulated him, by allowing DS to speak to him. Essentially I’m not normal for not thinking this is wonderful and a great idea and everyone else would wave them off wishing them a great time.

We don’t have masses of money at the moment and we haven’t got any family holiday booked for next year yet. Whenever I’ve tried to bring up sorting that out, he dismisses it by saying we need to save up then, but refuses to discuss this any further.
He’s basically told me his friends stag do’s are non-negotiable and it will lead to a host of bad things if he can’t go e.g. resentment towards me and that he will see me as this blocker getting in the way of what he wants to do.

He’s also told me to further his cause, that he’s so disconnected from his friends (he speaks to them everyday in their WhatsApp group, meets for coffee and just last week took flexi from work to meet one and his dog for a pub meal, whilst our own were at home needing a walk may I add) because he feels I wouldn’t like him going out with them for drinks frequently so he doesn’t mention/attend some suggested meet ups, even though it’s apparently what all men of our age do.
If he does attend something but may need to go and catch up with them a bit later rather than going at the same start and finish time, he gets incredibly angry at home too because it ‘singles’ him out.

It sounds as though your DH regards his friends as more important than you and his children.

He sounds as though he wants the life of a single man - it's well known how men who go off on stag dos abroad behave. Disgraceful when he has a wife and two young children.

And he is spending family money on his chosen lifestyle when you and his children don't even have a holiday to look forward to.

I think you would be better off as a single parent. And make sure he financially provides for his chIldren.

What a victim.

The only thing I can suggest is organising a trip away for yourself and using the same amount of money on something. If he complains tell him it's non negotiable.

Thank you both. It often feels that he does value them more and can’t get his head around that when you have a young family - you can’t just do everything your friends without that can or that even if you can, sometimes it can’t be under the exact same terms as them.

He’s in a very bad mood with me currently as he went out yesterday for the ‘home’ version of the abroad stag he’s already been on. He initially said he wasn’t going to go as DS had a birthday party and he didn’t want to leave me with no childcare for DD or me have to take her too (she’s younger and the party activity was not really suitable for her age). A few days before, he then changed his mind and had a massive go at me for not being too pleased about it.

He’s abusive. When he doesn’t get his way he punishes you, gaslights you by claiming you’re not normal, spends family money on himself, (financial abuse) leaves you to be the default parent absolving himself of any responsibility, tells you how you should feel, tells you what you’re not allowed to talk about, etc. This is him training you to shut the hell up and let him behave however he wants or he will punish you. The only way to stop this is to get rid of him. You deserve someone who prioritises you and your children. Not someone who sees you all as an inconvenience to his single lifestyle with the boys. What are your children learning about relationships from watching your marriage dynamics? That men do whatever they like and women have to put up with it. That men tell women what they can and can’t talk about. That women are the default parent and men have no responsibility. Women do as they are told and keep their mouths shut? Is this the kind of example you want to set for you children? Is this the level of disrespect you’re willing to accept for yourself? Have a read of this book. It might be an eye opener for you.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Is he financially controlling, OP? Do you work?

Thank you.

Yes I work full time. He wanted to be the person setting up all the accounts etc then complains if I don’t know how much something is or if he has to contribute more to something. He wouldn’t have a joint bank account for ages and wouldn’t contribute to the children’s clothes for years, saying I got the child benefit so that’s what I should use to buy them anything.
We have a joint bank account now where all the bills come out of but then anything else is kept in our separate accounts as ‘ours’ at his wish.

I will have a look at that book, thank you. It would be really helpful to see that maybe I’m not abnormal! At the moment he likes to paint out that I’m a horrible person who has issue with him going out and doing anything for him and he’ll say he wishes I was going out and doing something but, because I have no friends, I must be resentful of him going out. I do, just we all have families so rarely do.

its good that you’re working full time. Stay working. What is the living situation? Do you rent or own your home? Whose name is the house/lease in? Would you be able to afford to live on your own? Are you aware of any benefits you might be able to claim if you needed extra money to live as a single parent. For example, UC will pay money towards childcare if you’re on a low income to allow you to work. I bet he would be delighted if you split up and he had to have the children every second weekend. Honestly, he’s vile. You would be so much happier living as a single parent and not having to deal with his bullshit. You are already a single parent really because he doesn’t seem to do anything with the kids and he doesn’t financially contribute to their upbringing. However, if you were to split, he would have to have them, which would give you time to yourself. He would have to pay child maintenance, which would give you more money for the children. And as I said, you wouldn’t have to put up with his bullshit, do his washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. No having him call you names and make out your abnormal. No arguments about him going out and acting single. No stress from him. No need to consider him in your daily life. You can live as you like. Trust me, I’ve been there and it was easier being a single parent than living with an arsehole who tried to make me believe there was something wrong with me.