Walking on eggshells

[Venu]

My partner and I are in the process of moving into a new build in the country that he is buying. We have been living in his apartment he owns and I own my own apartment. I contribute financially each month as this is fair.

He has chosen to spend a small fortune on the exterior and interior of the new house. I feel like I am threading on egg shells every time I use any of the expensive high tech products.If I make a mistake with any of the appliances he goes mad and will berate me for making a mistake. I pushed the wrong button on the coffee machine and froth went everywhere. He went mad when this happened and said why are you so useless? I put fabric conditioner in the wrong section and when I was cleaning it out I couldn’t put sone device back in and went mad about that. I can’t relax in that house as when someone watches your every move you are more likely to make mistakes! He even comments on how to dismantle boxes and how to store the rubbish. Everything feels micromanaged.

I am currently living in his flat in London. He is keeping in it. I am planning to move in fully into the country house in 6 months. But he is so hard to live with that I can’t bear the thought of it!

Each weekend for 3 weeks now I have lugged a heavy suitcase down full of things for the house. I feel unless he calms down and speaks nicely to me I can’t go down. He has apologised each time he snaps as I walk away or say I am going back to London if he lectures me!

I wouldn't be moving in with him, I'd be reconsidering the relationship if a bloke called me useless for a simple mistake

I think you both need to talk.
His behaviour is not acceptable and you OP sound miserable.
Dont make the move unless you are certain he will treat you as an equal and not a clumsy guest

You've had short bursts of how it will be when you move in.. So don't

Maybe it's time to revaluate your relationship with this man.

https://www.mumsnet.com/articles/coercive-control

He sounds very controlling . I definitely would be running away fast!

So it's totally his house? This will not go well OP, is your flat rented out.

I'd see this behaviour as a massive red flag,it's his precious man cave and you better know your place when there,he seems controlling and it will only get worse when you move in.I would feel trapped and quite scared living by his petty rules.Let him live there alone with his rulebook.

Have you ever had a discussion about how long you are likely to be living in his house paying towards it ?
Have you ever read any threads on here about people in similar situations to yours who are now left with very little as the relationship has ended ? You say you have your own apartment...I think you should go and live there and forget all about walking on eggshells. You deserve better.

Don't move in with him, this only ever gets worse. It's coercive control, he's showing you he doesn't care about you as person.

You would be moving into a property that he owns (your name is not on the deeds?), having no legal rights over and presumably contributing financially to it?

What happens when you've given up your own place, how easy would it be to get out?

If you get married, have DC, how will he react to a messy house?

Stay in your apartment and do not move in with your abusive partner.

His apologies are meaningless.

I would say the relationship is over in all but name now really due to this sort of treatment he's now meting out. He will not change and this will continue. You will really be walking on eggshells in there if you move in with him so do not do that to yourself.

"My partner and I are in the process of moving into a new build in the country that he is buying. We have been living in his apartment he owns and I own my own apartment. I contribute financially each month as this is fair".

Fair on who exactly?. Not you; he is benefitting the most from that. It appears this new place is additionally owned solely by him and he is certainly treating it as such. Leave him to be in his new place alone.

He is displaying coercive and abusive behaviour and this is just the beginning.

do not move in with him

do not give up your own flat

How far away is this new place from your friends family and support system?

I wouldn’t move anyway because of his controlling behaviour but I’d also worry about the isolation.

Dear OP, I could have written your post. Now I’m fifteen years down the road with a man whose first thought when i break a glass is for his worktops rather my safety and I am making plans to leave after Christmas. I left in 2019 but was pulled back in because he was diagnosed with a heart condition and I regret that decision to go back, which seemed the decent thing to do, every single day. Just an hour ago, he stomped into the kitchen to glare at me because he thought he could smell smoke from the toaster. It made my soul shrivel, the expression on his face. Don’t be like me. Leave him alone with his pristine appliances and enjoy your life.