Had him arrested for ABH

[HangryWriter]

A year ago today I had to call the police and my husband of 50 years was arrested for ABH. He's always had a temper but had never hit me before although he could be verbally abusive at times. He's due in court early December for his trial. He's been out on bail since last November with conditions not to come near me or the house
We were having major renovations done to our house at the time of his arrest and the work is still ongoing. I'm sick to death of dealing with builders who either don't turn up or disappear halfway through a job. The only way I can communicate with him about the building work is through solicitors and their fees are astronomical. ( £464 last week for a ten minute phone call and a follow up e-mail )
Meanwhile he's living elsewhere, is on dating sites ( a friend spotted him on there ) saying he's divorced, which he isn't yet and seems to be merrily getting on with his life.
I feel bogged down with it all and depressed. There have been days that I've felt like ending it all if it wasn't for my dogs.
At the age of 72, I was looking for a peaceful retirement but the last year has been a nightmare.
I honestly wish I had not called the police that night.

I’m having the kitchen done at the moment and it’s brought me close very close to that edge

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such as tough time.

I have some suggestions that may help:

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation for support. You can also contact Victim Support for help during the trial.

Can you find another firm to do the work? I know it's an upheaval but it sounds like they're taking advantage of you. Can you ask around and get a firm on recommendation or find a firm with good reviews online?

Could you sell the house as a 'project' and downsize?

Regarding your mental health can you see your Dr and tell them about how you feel? Perhaps discuss medication. Could you find a therapist? BACP have a searchable database of therapists.

Thank you @username358 . It looks like I'll have to look for another solicitor. Don't think I can afford this one. I won't be going to his trial. Did think of sending a friend along to listen to the proceedings. He's pleading not guilty but not sure how he can say that when he punched me in the head several times and my face was black and blue , cut lip and handfuls of hair coming out. He gets angry very easily but has never been violent before. He's 74 and his health is not good.
We've only just started divorce proceedings. He applied for it as a no fault divorce.
I will make an appointment for the doctor next week.
My sister also died a few weeks ago and I'm an executor for her will which has added extra stress . My neices are very good and supportive and I've got some good close friends which have been a godsend but it all just seems like a bit of an uphill struggle at the moment.

If he’s pleading not guilty how come you aren’t being called as a witness OP?

@Pumpkinpie1 I didn't make any statement to the police but the CPS decided to charge him anyway. I've had an e-mail from the court to say I won't be called.

Our building work started in Sept 2023. The first builder was a scammer I think, ( over £50,000) for labour only and they wouldn't turn up for weeks on end. He's a sole trader having been struck off by Companies House for not submitting accounts. He employs sub-contract labour. I even had workmen turning up on the doorstep saying they hadn't been paid for work they'd done. Then a few months into the job he asked me to make the stage payments into his personal account instead of his business account. Last winter I had a half finished roof and water coming in. Plaster falling off the ceilings and water damage. He got nasty in May this year when I pointed out to him that this had been going on long enough and walked off the job, taking some of our belongings with him . I've talked to a solicitor about getting some of the money back but was advised that taking him to court may not do me any good because his assets may not cover it and I'd be left with solicitors costs too. This was supposed to be our dream retirement house and it's turned out to be anything but that.

your solicitor is right. All you can do is post very factual descriptions of his working practices online and hope he offers to pay you back in exchange for taking them down.

@HangryWriter

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. You might find Cruse helpful, they provide specialist bereavement counselling.

Can you hand the will over to a solicitor? You can find solicitors here.

You might find the Citizens Advice consumer helpline: 0808 223 1133 useful regarding the builders.

Regarding divorce, you might be able to save money with wikivorce

Hourglass have a 24/7 advice line should you want to talk about the abuse. It's highly likely he's always been abusive and it might help to talk about it with a trained professional.

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a Dr and hope it's useful. You can phone the Samaritans or the Silver line helpline which is also 24/7 should you need to talk.

He's on TrustaTrader. I contacted them but they weren't much help. He's got some good reviews on there but it looks like they were from minor jobs that only involved a few days work and probably only one tradesman.

He has always been abusive , though not physically. He's a bully. Tried to cut me off from family and friends saying he didn't like any of them and wouldn't go to anything that he was uncomfortable with. Even told me how I should be voting. His father was an abuser, beat his mother up regularly and when she walked out, he put the three kids in a children's home and moved his fancy woman in. It took his mother 3 years to get the kids back. That was in the early 1960's and God knows what happened to him in there, he'd never talk about it. It was like that chunk of his life was eradicated.

@HangryWriter

I'm sorry to hear about his behaviour. His background is no excuse and doesn't give him a free pass to abuse.

I'm glad you're divorcing and can assure you that life without him will be so much better. 💐

Thank you. I think throughout the years we were married, I did give his behaviour as a a free pass because I know he didn't have an easy childhood but you are right, what happened between his parents in the 1960's was not my fault but I sure as hell think I've paid the price for it. He hated his father but seems oblivious that he is doing all the same things.

We were having major renovations done to our house at the time of his arrest and the work is still ongoing.

I'd cancel all of that. You have far more pressing issues happening especially if you have to divorce and sell the house and move. The renovations should be cancelled completely at this point. Its the very least of your worries right now. Cancel all work. Immediately. If he's been abusive for years then you should have went into counselling years ago or left him. Because you've let him get away with treating you this way for so long, he thinks its normal and has gotten away with it.