Could OH be autistic or mental health issues

[Lucia212]

Or his upbringing as his family are like that too. I'm just finding it hard to work with him or communicate and find myself thinking this can't be normal (with respect)..Communicating is hard work he always gets things misconstrued or mixed up or turns arguments around back on to me. He's a know it all even when he turns out to be wrong.
He's very black and white and blunt so can come across rude. He's usually monotone with no enthusiasm or excited about things or sounds sarcastic it's like his tone is used in the wrong context.He speaks with a tone like you should know already and you feel silly for asking. When I ask something or express a frustration he only wants the solution not wanting to hear the problem.. That's why I'm trying to talk to him about it but he gets mad because I don't have the answers or he don't know the answer! He can be literal so for example Christmas or birthday gifts if I said I'd like socks he'd literally just buy socks and can't think outside the box there's no surprises or effort and makes you feel ungrateful. Or if he plans with family about gifts he ends up buying the exact same thing my mum /siblings just told him they'd buy. It's really hard work day to day. This wasn't apparent until we had kids we've been together over 14 years and lived together before kids. But I find each day is a struggle communicating with him recently. I'm not sure if he's struggling with mental health or something else he's keeping under wraps or is it stress from work and juggling the kids. He comes and goes as if he lives on his own no courtesy to say oh I'm popping to the shops or something. One time I said I'm going in the bath and he just left the house without a word and left 1 year old downstairs on his own!! Or recently left something on a fire stove to badly burn while he went upstairs to take a work call and left the kids downstairs. He'll make hot drinks without offering or not saying anything like I've just boiled the kettle, I do it for him and this is a daily thing. No courtesy. I've hurt myself twice now as he cleaned the bath and he didn't put the mat down properly and forgot to mention it so alive slipped and fallen bad.
I'm not sure if there's something there or isit habit/upbringing as his family are the same way no courtesy, just do their own thing. It's like he's just in his head all day and going about his day to day whether you are there or not. Like in his own world.

Could be signs of ASD - typically would include any / all of - lack of empathy / understanding, sensory differences, rigid thinking (so taking things literally, fixed routines), difficulties with social situations, especially larger groups. Yes, some genetic links (but also I think some of this can be childhood learnt behaviours).
If this is the case with him - realistically he won't change, you're just going to need to adapt to be with him: No sarcasm, be careful about any changes to plans or routines, not expecting understanding of your moods or feelings.
Keep an eye on the kids! They are more likely to have some of the same, so try to make sure they don't pick up learnt behaviours, also be aware that girls are just as susceptible to it as boys - but often mask it better!
Like I said, you won't change him but you can manage your expectations and quite possibly help the kids.

Does OH think there is a problem? He would need to be formally assessed in order to diagnose autism or other forms of neurodivergence. Likewise for mental health.

It sounds like you want to understand him more and make sense of his behaviour. Any desire to seek a diagnosis would need to come from him though.

Sorry but it grinds my gears when people say autistic people lack empathy - it makes us sound selfish, and it's a misunderstanding of what autism is.

Autistic people commonly struggle with social cues and conveying emotions. So may not show empathy because they don't pick up on it, or because they don't know how to react. That's not the same as not having empathy. It's a communication issue, not that empathy is missing.

OP; autism is primarily a social and communication issue. There are other things that form part of a diagnosis, but number one is difficulties socially, that start in childhood. Some of the things you describe could well be signs of autism, but it's impossible to know from what you share on here. Has your husband ever shown interest in finding out about it himself? Does he think there's a problem?

That's interesting about learnt behaviour, I try break the cycle to mix things up a bit or my son Will have the same thing every day after school because that's what his dad makes him. OH doesn't think he has any problems it's odd because he's so sociable has a big circle of friends multiple circles..even made loads of new friends since we moved towns I haven't made any!. Just the way his brain works sometimes is clearly very different to the majority. We'll have to discuss it and I'll try delve deeper I don't want to cause any upset. I do think it could be learnt behaviour or to do with his childhood as at one point he went mute and wouldn't eat. Wasn't the easiest of childhoods and very much fend for yourself and not part of the new family when his mum remarried. Maybe it's like a survival mode that he's always had to have and get on with things and be independent from a young age.

If some of these things are recent changes I'd be concerned about early onset dementia, particularly the forgetfulness.

What @Wimberry said is quite correct - this stupid, often repeated falsehood about autistic people lacking empathy should be put to rest forever. It is utter bollocks and trotted out by those who have no experience or knowledge of autism. Give it a rest.