anyone else got an antisocial partner?

[coolbeans]

And does it matter? I'm not sure anymore.

My partner prefers staying in. He doesn't have any mates to go out with, anyway. This weekend, he hasn't left the house. Not once. Is that normal? To stay in the same place for 48 hours? Not even to take your little one to the park?

I used to be Ms Social. And now I'm not. Part of that is having a baby/toddler, which by default, curtails your previous persona, but I'm feeling very isolated tonight (and generally). And it's not a good feeling.

So to my original question - does it matter?

it does if it affects your own ability to socialise

i know since i've been with dp i've become extremely antisocial by default and the few nights out i used to plan without him pre kids i often backed out off as i felt odd going out on my own without him every time.

trying to rectify that now but after 6 years of living like this i think i've lost the ability to talk to rl humans

I'm not sure. Dh always moans and mumps if I have organised any social occasion involving my friends, but when he gets there he usually gets into it, and charms everyone- which hacks me off, as I get stressed worrying that he will hate it!!

I guess it matters if it matters to YOU. It would matter to me,cos I like to be social and sociable, and a lot of things involve going as a couple or looking like dh can't be bothered/ doesn't want to come. If, on the other hand, your friends etc know and love your dh for what he is, you could just go yourself, laugh at his anti-social nature and enjoy yourself. My friends know dh won't chat to them when they phone, and we joke about it- they aren't offended, although sometimes I think he could make a BIT more effort! But on the plus side, if he wants to stay in, and you want to go out, you have an ideal baby-sitting situation going on there! Better than you wanting to go out, but him beating you to it!!

Mine is so anti-social. I had to go to a friends house warming party alone last night, because he wanted to stay at home - on his laptop - working. I have to admit though, he never lets it interfere with family life, just our social life.

Does he know it's a problem? I suppose some people just like their own company. But I see no reason why he can't venture outside for a trip to the park with his partner and child, especially if he's just slobbing around the house with nothing important to do. That part would piss me off if it's a regular thing.

My DH is like this. Actually, quite like Joolyjoolyjoo's DH.

Is always happy to stay at home (we NEVER go anywhere at the weekend, ever, and he is refusing to go away on holiday this year).

Yet actually he loves inviting people over and having people to stay (more than me, actually, I'm usually glad to get rid of them!).

It is frustrating, but his parents are the same, never go anywhere, it doesn't occur to them to do day-trips or go to the park or whatever.

I find it really gets me down sometimes, especially when I find myself alone at the playground with the kids again.

Dh's ideal w/e is not leaving the house (and garden, we have a huge one) at all.

Sorry not sure what to say.

My dh is like this - if it's going out for him he'll go but anything for my friends he isn't interested.
This works quite well as I'm quite sociable and so he looks after the kids while I'm out and doesn't usually complain too much!

If you are sociable, then you need to insist on being sociable with or without him (though he has a right to be unsociable if that's the sort of person he is, he doesn't have a right to keep you cooped up indoors if you would rather be out and about).

It's not compuslory to socialise with a partner even if you have one: people who do everything two-by-two like animals going into the ark are basically herd animals and no fun to socialise with anyway.
The hgood side of a partner who doesn;t want to get out is permanent on-tap babysitting, the only time I'd be concerened is if a previously party-animal type becamse very anti-social for no apparent reason as that';s a sign of trouble ahead.

sometimes, my dh is tres anti social-his only friend live in australia!
But we do socialise, with a group of my friends who have known dh for about 12 years and so are used to him not chatting etc.
Gets me down sometimes, gets him down too but there are bigger things to worry about so we get on with it!

Message withdrawn

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me joining in here but just wanted to say my dh is very similar, he does have the odd friend although I'd say it's more people he knows than actual friends. He'll chat on the phone with them if they ring him (he never phones them) but he barely ever leaves the house (the odd time is for his own hobby which is now increasing rare) dh feels I am all he needs and wants as a friend and he seems to be in his element just being around me?

We do have 4 dc but the youngest is 8 so no excuses that baby/toddler makes going out difficult.

I'm a social person too and always enjoyed having lots of friends to chat with and even visit/go out with on occassion but dh makes me feel that this is not normal and I should be just as happy as he is just having him and dc around me. I've allowed myself to basically be dictated to and have cut all ties with friends to keep him happy but I've realised this is making me very miserable now and with advice and words of wisdom from other mn'ers I am really going to try to change things and start living instead of existing.

I've felt so lonely and isolated for many many yrs and have just excepted this for the sake of a quiet life but my sanity is suffering and I now see that this can't continue or I know I will resent him more and more.

I know it's not going to be easy making changes because dh makes me feel terrible if I even suggest going to see a friend or having any contact even to the point of feeling I need his permission to do so but I know if I don't try to change things now things will just get worse and I don't know how much more I can take of feeling this way.

Tbh I'm bloody terrified of making changes, not sure how he's going to react etc but if I don't do it then I know I've only got myself to blame

I can't offer you any advice but I would like to send you my love and hugs and say I know how your feeling x

I don't think an anti-social partner (or in my case, one who doesn't like going out) is a big problem, esp. as madamez says, it has its advantages.

I do think that if they stop you going and doing things and seeing people that it is a problem. Good luck with making changes shinealight

Well, SHinealight illustrates beautifully why it can be a problem. My deep sympathies to you SAL: please make sure you have a certain amount of support in place (family or friends) because it is just possible that things could get unpleasant with your DH. A man who is this controlling (he suggests that your perfectly ordinary wishes, for company, for politeness etc, are a sign of something wrong with you if you refuse to be just like him and do everything his way) can turn dangerous. Isolating you from other people, especially isolating you from family and close friends, can quite often be early warning signs of a potential abuser.