Failing marriage?

[Unsureanymore11]

Hello everyone, I hate for this to be the first topic that I've made here but after some googling I thought it'd be a great group to have a chat to about my position and situation.

Basically I'm 32, my wife is 30. We have everything we've ever needed, financially I make incredible money and get to work from home, and she up until recently (our baby) hasn't had to do any form of work. Besides the house work etc, which I've always appreciated immensely.

Over the years, I feel we've began to drift apart and there's been times where as much as I hate to admit it I have indeed cheated because I wasn't getting any form of intamacy at home. Now I know I'm in the wrong entirely, I'm not in some type of weird denial or fake universe I know what ive done wrong and I also know she deserves to know.

I guess overall, over the years I'm not happy and it's become less and less. I definitely have tried to communicate about the intimacy side of things, to I just get random answers and nothing ever really happens or gets resolved. I wake up daily genuinely not happy, after talking and talking and then being okay for a week or two it just goes back to the same old and nothing ever does actually change.

I guess what I'm asking is, was anyone else in the same situtation? After the years I want to leave but I just don't know how... what about my daughter, houses, and more.. It just seems terrifying.

I feel no matter how hard I work (17 hour days, 7 days a week) no matter how much I do it's just never good enough. Wether it's me kissing my daughter on the head and being told my beard will scratch her yet she's smiling, to me being to loud when I'm in a meeting... it always just seems I'm in the wrong

again, I'm in the wrong here I'm not looking to make myself feel better be as brutal as needs to be. I just sit here and I go, will I look back in 20-30 years and go why did I continue this?

thank you for any advice.

If anyone has questions or needs more context please let me know. Again, I know I'm the wrong one in this but having females point of view definitely helps me to understand moreso.

Thank you so much.

Ask her to go to relationship counselling with you and if she refuses, go alone. You are seeing yourself as a victim.

Another one looking for female validation to justify his cheating and selfishness.

These men are cowards and are looking to minimise their guilt/responsibility by posting here. They want women to be on their side so they can weaponise this to gaslight their partner.

Don’t engage. Let him face his own choices or pay for his own therapy. Don’t waste emotional energy on this guy. There’s a woman out there on another thread who needs your kindness more.

If nothing gets resolved from talking, but you both very much want things to change, relationship counselling might help you to see where you're both going wrong. I would do this before divorce. I'm assuming your wife knows you have been unfaithful though. If not, I think it's best to divorce at this point and never mention it so she has a chance to go onto find happiness without being forever changed by the betrayal.

Get a divorce, neither of you are happy.

Working 17 hours a day seven days per week means you are not present in your relationship with your wife or child. Work less, live more.

You really needed to reflect on this and take action before you decided to cheat on your wife. The relationship is doomed and she deserves better.

Waiting for the other person to change rarely results in change. You’re coming across as some kind of martyr, relationships end all the time. Cheating is cowardly.

You sound very unhappy. You should take steps towards leaving. Or else radically change your lifestyle. It isn't suiting either of you.

I’m wondering what messages you learned about gender roles growing up because this all sounds really unhealthy and suggests some very outdated attitudes to women.

In particular, you say she didn’t have to work before having children as if staying home and doing housework is something desirable and aspirational. For most women it isn’t - we’d rather earn our own money and have the mental stimulation and financial independence which comes with earning a living.

And there obviously is some intimacy in your marriage because you now have a child.

But leaving that aside, you say you work 17 hour days 7 days a week. That’s awful, especially given the need to factor in some sleep to each day. If that’s true, how can you have any kind of relationship with your wife? You’re never there (yet you make time to cheat on her). It sounds like you think all you need to do is provide money and you only value material wealth and are oblivious to the need for emotional closeness and connection.

It’s as if you haven’t realised that your wife is a full human being; almost as if you think you can put her away for the vast majority of the time but then take her out and play with her when it suits you or - more to the point - take her out and have sex, as if she were some kind of life-sized doll. Do you know your wife as a person at all? But it sounds like there’s no emotional intimacy between you so it’s unsurprising that she hasn’t particularly wanted sexual intimacy. That’s probably also why she’s perpetually irritated with you. You neglect her and she probably knows you’re cheating. You’ve put her in this gilded cage and now you’re bored and want to leave.

Honestly, I think your wife may well be better off without you as this all sounds quite unhealthy and you’ve endangered her sexual health. But now there is a child in the mix, you need to ensure that she is properly provided for and also that your wife is whilst she’s raising your shared child.

You work 17 hours a day 7 days a week and get time to cheat?! Sounds like you guys don't really work together as you are never really together. Bet you're both exhausted by the end of the day to actually talk.
Think you really need to tell your wife everything including the cheating and go from there.

you work 17 hours a day, 7 days a week? Where do you make time for family? What have you done to improve your situation? Is your wife doing all cooking, cleaning, childcare? Do you help with any of that? Have you been honest with your wife about your extra-marital affairs?

I will echo what others have said. Your wife must feel very low down on your priority list if you are working 17 hour days 7 days a week. From her side this must look like you come home for food, sex and sleep. No relationship, no talking, no cooking dinner or shopping for food yourself. She must feel like a single parent at this point. When are you making time to build a relationship with your daughter?

Look at this from the outside, why did you get married to this woman? Did you ever spend any time with her? I was a sahm, most women find it completely mind-numbing and isn't something to aspire to as it makes you financially reliant on your husband and you are half out the door. Housework is dull and monotonous, it is a rare person, not even sex specific, that loves housework.

Stop working so much, turn into your marriage and start building a relationship with your wife and daughter. Money isn't everything.

Absolutely no excuses to cheat on your wife, you clearly aren't giving her time and are you showing her love and attention in other ways? Make her feel LOVED before you expect her to just have sex with you.....maybe she resents you for not giving her quality time...are you helping with house chores/cooking? If she's ratty towards you it's because you've made her feel that way....step back and think about your own actions and behaviour and see where you can fix things before thinking about ending your marriage or having affairs.

Is this a reverse?
Why have a DC when you've already been cheating with others? Clearly your marriage was already in trouble and a DC makes issues worse.
Working 17 hours a day, lol no wonder there's a disconnect. You don't get prizes for that and it's not an example of 'doing all you can', more likely you hiding from everything.
You were seemingly fine about having a kept woman, despite no DC's. Now you are finding how opposite defined roles can also drive a huge wedge. There ceases to be anything in common and no empathy for what each of you do. Wouldn't surprise me if the affairs happened though work. Regardless being able to afford it, a dependent SAHM possible possibly holds less sex appeal than an independent working female for some men, hence so many work affairs happen in these circumstances.
The way she talks to you, sounds like she has checked out too, let's hope she's been getting her own fun on the side while you've been busy 'working' ( and cheating).