Age gap relationship becoming apparent

[Jyui]

I married my DH when I was 28 and he 44...we are now 43 and 59. We had worked together for a few years, he was widowed and we bonded over shared interests and both had similar difficult early life experiences. I love him as much as I ever did and remain attracted to him.

However, he is the one who has now become ultra conscious of being older. This isn't some of of humble brag but I look younger than I am. It's not that I'm mega appearance or wellbeing conscious at all and tbh am a little bit pudgey, but in a way that almost helps as I've got quite a round full face. Last year a new colleague remarked (rudely imo) that I must have been young when I had my daughter and was quite surprised when I reported that I was 30 when I had her- they thought I was about 10 years younger than I actually am. Again, I'm not saying I'm an absolute stunner as I'm not, I've just not aged much (yet!!).

DH meanwhile much to his despair has aged and one would probably correctly guess his age around the 60 mark. I think it's this imminent big birthday that's got him so wound up. He is desperately going to the gym and has gone from playing tennis once a week to three times, and he is very physically fit, but he still looks like a fit 60 year old.

To be honest as much as I love him I'm beginning to get a bit annoyed by his complaints about this. When we had the opportunity for a date night recently he spent half the time moaning that people would think he was my dad. He's trying to avoid events at my daughter's school despite being absolutely devoted to her as he doesn't want to show her up and says people will think he's her grandad.

I tell him I love him, am attracted to him, and wouldn't change a hair on his head but it makes no odds. I really don't know what to do.

Hopefully it's a phase and he'll get over it. Just reassure him that you love him, find him attractive and no one else's opinion matters.

I hear you.
I married 18 yrs older to me.
You describe almost exactly the same situation as me.

Tell him bluntly, that you have no time to waste on such nonsense, shallow, meaningless bullshit. There IS an age gap, get over it.

😁

At 28 and 44, a 16-year age gap may have felt significant, but between 43 and 59, it’s much less so. It sounds like your DH is now becoming more self-conscious about aging, which is understandable — the wider society puts pressure on everyone to stay young and look youthful, and this can be especially difficult in relationships with age differences. However, his concerns about looking older will only become more challenging if he doesn’t address them now. After all, he will continue to age, as we all do, and there’s no stopping that.

You’ve reassured him of your love and attraction, which is wonderful, but it seems like he’s struggling to internalise that it’s his mindset, not his appearance, that’s affecting his happiness. It might help to have deeper conversations about why he feels this way and how you can work together to overcome these insecurities. Perhaps he also needs to hear that what’s most important to you is the shared life, family, and love you’ve built over the years — not what others may or may not think.

As a reality check, the age gap may feel more noticeable again when he’s in his 70s and you’re in your 50s, but focusing on your bond now and building confidence in your relationship will help both of you face those moments with grace. Encourage him to redirect his energy into celebrating your connection rather than worrying about surface-level perceptions.

TBH it sounds like a midlife crisis he's having and your age-gap is a convenient hat to hang his issues on.

59 is hardly old for a man these days and many men of that age are still very attractive.

Many men would be delighted to be seen with a 'younger woman' so I don't think this is about you. It's all about him not wanting to be 60.

Assume you're not in the UK based on your middle of the night timed post (or you're on holiday?) - and maybe wherever you live the age gap is more of a 'thing'?

Here, no one would give it a second thought.

I'd just tease him and ask if he wants to trade you in for an older model. Or invest in Botox for himself.😂

I'm 57 and my husband is 44 so we are at opposite sides . I look younger than 57 , not a boast , even our teen daughter mentions I don't look my age , I've aged without trying to look young , it's a gene my daughter hopes I've passed on . Anyway I sort of know how your husband feels , I'm the same age as my daughter's bf granny , and his mum is young enough to be my daughter , my best mum friends mum is 2 years older than me !
I have had health issues due to aging and I'm very aware that I need to future proof myself and I go to gym / swim daily , eat healthy, do what I can .
But I also think it's important to think positive and not care what others think . Luckily my husband feels the same and has never made me feel bad about my health or age . And I won't let it stop me enjoying life , whether that's a date night or a school event .
I enjoy life and don't dwell on things I can't change .
Perhaps tell your husband that he's missing out on good things by feeling self conscious and these things will eventually be gone ( like school events ) does he want a life feeling miserable or a life making memories .

Sounds like a classic mid life crisis to me.

Tell him to rest assured that as soon as peri takes hold in 2 or 3 years time you will suddenly age 10 years in 3 months, so if he can wait you'll soon be catching him up and possible overtaking him in the feeling old arena.

It seems to me like other people's unsolicited comments about your appearance and their mis - judgement of your age that is the problem.

I've just ended up saying something like this, as the softly gently reassuring has got old.

He's in a huff, saying it's like Nicola Coughlan being with Sean Bean. I laughed but he's really serious.

It worked out très bon pour moi.

And I don't need Granny to knit me socks for Christmas - my wife does it!
Win-win in my livre. 👍

Sounds like he makes you feel unrealistically young and you make him feel old.

He’s having an on-the-cusp of 60 crisis. In today’s society, your 60’s signal the end of middle age, moving towards “older adult” and close to retirement stage of life. Many people don’t like that idea, my SIL (57) is also in fierce denial.

What can he do about it though, except keep fit and make the most of life?