DP unwilling to communicate, difficulty ttc

[Stuckinlimmmbo]

I’ve name changed for this, as I do not want it to be linked to previous posts.

Apologies, this is a long one…

DP and I have been ttc for a year now, without luck. I have an older dc from my previous marriage, he does not have any DC. Age is not on our sides, I’m just about to turn 40 and he is mid 40s. So I suggested that we consider fertility tests as we approached 6 months. I had some bloods done with an online company, and also day 21 blood taken via my gp to confirm ovulation. All came back OK. DP had some sperm analysis done via an online company, the results came back suggesting multiple abnormalities. DP was devastated and didnt want to talk about it. I felt incredibly guilty (as I was the one who’d pushed for us to both have tests). I was reluctant to push him to talk about it for a long time. It is now 3 months since he had the results and it is still difficult to talk to him about ttc.

In fairness to DP, he did speak to his GP about the results, when at the same time as an appointment for another matter, and the gp has arranged for him to have sperm testing via the NHS. However DP needs to arrange a time to drop a sample at a clinic for it to be tested, which he has not done.

A few days ago I finally plucked up the courage to gently ask DP when he was planning to arrange to take the sample in. He immediately bottled up, refused to talk about it and when I tried to push it got upset and started saying there’s no point in doing something if it’s just going to say that something is wrong with him. I dropped the conversation so feel that we are no further forward.

When I’ve asked him if he doesn’t want to carry on ttc he says that he does, but he just wants to wait to see what happens. Based on his results it seems unlikely that anything will happen. The report that he was given suggests some ways to improve our chances (loose underwear, healthy lifestyle, supplements). He is choosing not to do any of these. He likes the underwear that he has, he doesn’t feel like he needs to loose any weight (his bmi is slightly in the overweight category) and he feels that fertility supplements may have side effects (he doesn’t seem to worry about the fact that I’ve been taking fertility supplements for the whole time that we’ve been ttc).

I’m really struggling emotionally with the length of time that we have been ttc. I feel like we are in absolute limbo. A couple of friends and family members have recently had babies / are due immediately and I am ashamed to say that I am feeling incredibly resentful towards them. I’m also feeling like I can’t speak to anyone in real life, as I know DP would be devastated if he knew that I’d told anyone. For me the worst thing is not knowing. I’m really starting to feel resentful about DPs refusal to do anything to actually improve our chances. I almost feel like going back on to contraception, just to take back control and draw a line underneath this all, as I think that another year of monthly disappointment, whilst DP refuses to discuss or act on anything is going to destroy our relationship.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of my post is, perhaps a combination of venting, and seeking advice on how to feel less stuck in limbo, especially welcome from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Doesn't sounds like you ate able to communicate well as a team. Perhaps this isn't the right man to have children with

There is no way a baby should be brought into this

He is not really showing he actually wants a child op, why would you want one with him either I have no idea.
Go back on the contraception and draw a line under it, you'll probably feel less resentful.

Tbh, you're taking a massive risk.
I don't know why on earth you'd be considering trying for a baby when sperm abnormalities are noted. Let alone at 40.

Frankly...it's mad. Sorry.

Eggs when we are 40 are obviously not in the best condition. And older men's sperm is apparently more likely to cause birth defects than older womens eggs too. And he's literally had tests suggesting this is more likely.

This and the fact that he shuts down and can't discus things with you. Probably not someone you should be having kids with. Let alone when resentment has crept into the relationship too.

In the kindest possible way, are you sure this baby idea isn't a midlife crisis? It happens...

My ex husband was the same. We tried for five years, I lost 5 stone took a ton of supplements except use etc. there was nothing wrong with me. He eventually had a sperm test and his sperm were "bathed in alcohol" rather than the fluid they should have been in. He was advised to stop drinking for six months stop smoking and then come back. He didn't stop for one lunchtime session let alone six months. I filed for divorce after a month. The shit I had to go through to find out it was him all along. We had five years of him not wanting to talk about it, nothing wrong with me, you're too fat. That's the problem etc. he had to do one think. Stop drinking well too things and he couldnt do it. Fucker. So don't be like me leave now.

Thanks all who have replied so far.

I think the comments really capture my fear, that he deep down does not want a child. But I’m struggling to accept it as we have been speaking (on and off) for years about having a baby and he’s always been the more keen one of the two of us. Plus he is so invested in my older child’s life. He takes on more of the mental load surrounding him than his actual dad. I guess I’m finding it hard to accept that his actions (or lack of action) regarding ttc are so different to what I had expected.

@Doggymummar so sorry you went through this, I really hope you have found peace with your ExHs behaviour.

Tbh it’s not a decision about leaving or not for me, I can accept not having more children, as until I met my DO 6 years ago I thought that ship had sailed anyway. It’s more just the feeling that we are stuck in limbo with no plan, I can’t cope well with uncertainty.

Sounds like he is keen or was keen when it would take no actual effort op, his actions are not matching his words.
Let him be a parent to your child and take some control back, take it off the table.

It must be terrifying for him to find out his sperm might be defective. The five years of talking about a baby may have been truly sincere and reflected his optimism and commitment to the relationship. But realizing at this late date that he could be responsible for bringing a child into this world with genetic difficulties or who was disabled must have affected him.

Step back and really try to talk to each other about life as a couple without a baby. It shouldn’t be on the cards at this point given the sperm issue.

To be fair though I'd imagine a fair percentage of men have sperm issues by 45. So it shouldn't really come as some terrfying surprise.

Tbf though men aren't really told their sperm has an expiration date. It's all 'you could still have kids at 70'. So I suppose it whips the carpet out from under them to be confronted with the truth.

@Pinkbonbon please be quiet, you are ill informed and not helpful, plenty of couples in their forties and older conceive perfectly healthy children, the health of the sperm has little impact as the process tends to ensure that it is more likely a healthy sperm fertilises the egg.

Lots of people here completely without understanding and feeling for the DH. It is devastating for him. Just as it would be for a woman to be told she can't convince. Think of the guilt he feels for letting you down, how he feels for not being "man enough". There is a lot of societal pressure on him.

That said, he is not helping himself here. You need to get more information on what is exactly wrong. However there is a good chance IVF could work for you. That or as you say lifestyle change. Sperm quality can be affected by a number of things and some quality issues can be transient. The big issue here is his inability to talk about this.

Maybe just start by asking how he feels? Not putting more pressure on him. Just trying to get him to understand how he is feeling, to voice that. From there you can move forward.
Good luck. If he refuses to talk you have some difficult choices.

I feel for him. Having kids is something he wanted and this news is something that is not only ripping up his dreams of fatherhood but undermining his whole feelings of masculinity and self worth. Think he needs a hand hold more than you do.

I don’t think the issue is that he doesn’t want children or can’t be bothered. He’s burying his head in the sand and doesn’t want to face the truth.