How to come to term with not really having family

[sadgoat5634]

I come from a complicated family so I was pretty excited to join a big family of 6 siblings with my husband. Unfortunately one of my brother in law and his wife are just constantly going after us. The family is weird so that the closer you to the where everyone is located the more of us say you have in the family. When they left temporarily to get a promotion however they were constantly telling us that their job was more important for society and that we were to cater to their complicated schedule. Now they have moved back closer and the situation is reversed because of my job, I had to leave for a very similar situation. And now they're saying that it's ridiculous that I'm pursuing a career with kids and that they will not cater to my needs because I did this to myself. We are pretty much excluded from everything, they make sure to schedule stuff so we can't come. They have gone as far as looking at my company big events (unfortunately online) to know my schedule. Whenever we visit we're accused of offending them, messing things in their place, that our kids or us are stealing things. I'm afraid of seeing them now. I have tried everything asking them for advice nicely to build the relationship but this end up in them doing underhanded insults to me. The only reason they contact us now is to ask for money for group expense, and if we're not in a position to pay whatever amount they decided because they decide of course we're terrible people. They have managed to align and terrorize everyone else behind them so that none of the siblings or parents will defend us either. The parents are just too afraid that they would withhold the grandkids. They also know that we would never do that.
I'm coming to term with the fact that there is nothing redeeming. But after coming to term with the fact that I will not have a relationship with my parents, I'm just heartbroken that two people just stole an entire family from me. None of the other siblings or parents have an issue with me except that they will take the side of the wealthier and more powerful couple, for obvious reasons and keeping the peace.

if anyone has any advice that would be super appreciated. Just having a tough time today.

I have three siblings, and I tell you, the more siblings there are, the more complicated the sibling dynamic is.

As the partner, stay out of it. It’s not your battle. Ignore, ignore.

Although it must be a great disappointment to you, because you yearn for the closeness of family relationships, they really aren't all they are cracked up to be.

you would be better off focusing on building your own happiness and wellbeing, being self-empowered and not relying on those siblings as they don't have your back.

Revenge is a life well-spent. Lead your best life, spin on your heels and walk away without looking back. They are your husband's folks not yours, so you have absolutely no obligation to be anything other than on nodding terms, if that.

Don't bother getting involved in their group activities, they are an absolute pain!

I get it OP. I have no immediate family to speak of - on my side everyone is dead or have serious mental health/addiction issues so I have boundaries in place. DH’s family are screwed up in a different way - after years of vile behaviour, I no longer have anything whatsoever do with them!

It makes me very sad but I just focus on the positives in my life - my own wonderful kids, my lovely friends who are like family to me. It is hard, particularly at times like Christmas, but I try to remind myself what I DO have in terms of close supportive relationships, rather than what I don’t! Hope that helps.

any advice when the attacks do get personal though? should I still set my own boundaries or leave my partner to do that too? It does feel a little infantilising.

thank you, it makes sense. It is just hard since we moved and lost our friendship circle as well. it is lonely.

I agree, the more siblings / in laws you have the more complicated it gets. I have three siblings (all brothers), the eldest brother has been a complete dickhead all his life, and myself and other two brothers have been effectively NC for about 15 years. Only broke that pledge when I did the honourable thing to inform him our mother had died (whom he had very limited contact with), we didnt even attend the funeral as he turned into a complete prat during the funeral arrangements.

I am pretty close with my two other brothers but even then I went low contact with the youngest when he was having problems with the booze (after a toxic relationship) and I became his punching bag, my DH just died and I really didnt have the headspace for his problems That broke my heart, thankfully we patched things up many years ago.

Even when DH was still alive we never had much contact with his family, they lived at the opposite end of the country and DH had his issues with his controlling mother and he was never close with his sisters. My brothers had complicated marriages / relationships, and even then aside from my brother's second wife (who came into the family in my 40s) I was never close with them for various reasons. I would have loved a close SIL relationship when I was in my 20s as I grew up with brothers but it was never meant to be.

My biggest advice is do not get involved with in-law drama, go NC and leave it to your partner to deal with. If he's not defending / backing you when there is personal insults, then you have problems in your relationship.