Would this annoy you too?

[christmascheerisnothere]

Hello. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not but things are not really good atm between DH and I and perhaps that is colouring my judgement. We have been married for over 20 years and before we were together, he had a long term relationship with a woman who subsequently moved abroad when they split up (long before we met). I have never met her but I have friends who used to know her iyswim! Anyway, last week DH came home and it turned out that she was back in town and they had had lunch together. I think it would have been nice if he had told me beforehand (I would have done this if it had been me). Of course, I am not expecting him to ask permission to see her but I feel like he should have at least mentioned it. He has a long history of not telling me things and not keeping me in the loop and tbh, this time I just cannot get past it. What do you think?

Yeah I'd be annoyed
I bet if he was meeting his mate 'Rob' or whoever he would have told you like most couples would in general conversation.

I think for me it would depend on the situation on how the lunch came about. If my husband had planned in advance to meet someone for lunch and didn’t mention it to me then I’d think it was a bit strange and secretive, we’d usually say “ah I’m grabbing lunch with X today that’ll be nice” type thing. But if he was out in town or out grabbing lunch on his break at work and happened to bump into someone and they just decided to grab lunch together then I wouldn’t think anything of him not letting me know beforehand, I’m not his mum he doesn’t need my permission, he’d just mention it when we’re chatting about our days afterwards

If he planned to meet up with her and didn’t tell you, that’s suspect. How did you find out he had met up with her? And what did he say when you told him you were not comfortable with it? It seems like this guy has a history of lying by omission and that would be a major problem for me. Being secretive in a marriage is a no no. What does he have to hide?

I would not be happy. Is he planning on seeing her again? Are they in touch regularly? You need more information.

If it a decision made a few days or a few weeks ago I'd be annoyed they had not mentioned it.

If arranged that morning, I'd be less annoyed.

He has a long history of not telling me things and not keeping me in the loop and tbh, this time I just cannot get past it.

It looks like this 'for old times sake' (?) lunch has brought something to a head that's been brewing for a while. The crux of the matter is that you cannot get past it.

What would you like to do? How well are you placed in terms of practical options?

Nope. Lying by omission in order to meet up with an old flame is not ok.

It's extremely disrespectful and I wouldn't trust him. That is betrayal in my eyes.

I think whole lot of us would go for that lunch. I would.

Me too but I would have told him first!

Really? You must have nice ex partners! I don’t and I wouldn’t. No way DH would do this without telling me, nor me him.

Outrageous

Cheerily suggest he invites her round for a meal at your home. His reaction will be quite telling I imagine.

@christmascheerisnothere, how long had this meet-up been in the works? They’ve obviously been calling or messaging each other, and you’ve been excluded from any transparency. Even if he got a surprise call the day before or that morning, he should have alerted you about his lunch plans with his
long-term Ex.

He has form for creating distance between you by keeping you out of the loop. He’s really crossed the line now and shown you great disrespect. His priority was seeing her.

I would be livid, @christmascheerisnothere. I would also be fed up with his secretive, exclusionary ways in general. This would be the push I needed to reconsider the relationship and look at my options.

As he is already a duplicitous man, I would be so seriously unimpressed.

I hate liars, and I hate liars by ommission.

Maybe time to have a hard think about your future.