Hi all,
I feel in such a dilemma and don't know what to do. Basically I separated from my ex dh early this year. We'd been married for over 20 years, and things between us had been difficult for a very long time. Job stresses, family bereavements, house moves, and two neurodiverse dc who needed a lot of care when younger, all took their toll on our relationship. My exdh became angry, cold, withdrawn, blamed me for a lot of things, and told me a few years ago he'd fallen out of love with me. He also used to be quite emotionally abusive eg not talking to me for days, throwing objects at the wall, punching doors etc.
I spent the last few years desperately trying to make everything work, counselling etc but nothing did. I was so stressed and upset all the time, and during this time was also diagnosed with ADHD.
Anyway my ex and I split and we've been living apart for 9 months or so. Things are so much more peaceful for us both and the dc have seemed to adjust well. My ex and I still see each other a fair amount with drop offs and still help each other out with various things.
Anyway I met another guy about a year ago. I was going through the separation at the time. I met him through this hobby we do and we both really liked each other, it was obvious. We get on so well, and honestly I've never felt like I've connected with anyone like that before, we just seem to really get each other. It's obvious we both find each other physically attractive too. When my exdh and I separated, after a few weeks the new guy asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I said no as I just felt it was too soon and I had too much to sort out. Months have now gone by and we still see each other at the group and still like each other. He made it clear again that he'd like us to meet up but again I said no. We did have a bit of a talk about things and he said he really likes me and would really love for us to be in a relationship. I'm not sure what's holding me back. I think I feel that I am still processing everything from the break up with my ex as to be honest it was so toxic for ages.
The thing is that now my ex and I are separated we get on so much better. It's been so good for us both to have space and I think we both like the freedom of living alone (we share custody of our dc).
My ex has said (and I agree) that he thinks he is neurodiverse, and that's partly why he used to get so stressed about everything, and not be able to cope with all the demands of work and family life. He has also been depressed and anxious for most of his life. Now he's living a much simpler life, he's a lot happier. The confusing thing is that in some ways, neither of us seem to be moving on. He has said that he really doesn't want the hassle of another relationship and is not looking for that at all. I know it sounds strange, but I get the feeling that he still loves me. He's a traditional family man type.
But I feel so confused about everything. I still feel like I have a deep love for him, but I'm not sure in what way. I still get on with him and have interesting conversations, and I know I'd still enjoy it if we went out for dinner or watched a film together. Now that he seems less stressed and moody, he's more like when I first met him, and I feel comfortable and relaxed with him.
But I also have deep feelings for this other guy. He is someone who I feel very physically attracted to, mentally stimulated and challenged, and we share a hobby/ interest that we are both passionate about. But he doesn't have children, is not a "family man" type (although he does like children), and we have had quite different experiences and backgrounds in life. But I am so drawn to him. I tried to forget about him and stopped going to the group for a bit as I just felt really confused about everything, but I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I have just started therapy in an attempt to make sense of all my feelings! I don't know if what I'm feeling for my ex is just familiarity and attachment, or if he and I just had very stressful circumstances/ neurodiversity etc which then proved to be too much pressure on the relationship. We have all been heartbroken about the break up of the family - I just don't know if I should give it another go with him. The new guy, I feel strong feelings for, but I just don't know how a relationship with him would fit into my life, it seems so scary to think about being with someone new, as I was such a devoted wife and family person (I know that probably sounds a bit strange but I can think how else to say it!)
Sorry this post is so long, but I didn't want to drip feed. Can anyone relate or has anyone experienced something similar?