My husband and I married in our early 20s. I eloped and my parents disapproved (I am still on speaking terms with them but they live in another country so we don't see them much but do fly back regularly to see them; am happy with this dynamic). We moved in with his mother for 3 years and this enabled us to buy a flat in London at age 26 and 29. My husband has 3 sisters including a pretty problematic younger sister. She is neurodivergent (but her mum is in denial and allowed her to get kicked out of school and she pretty much has spent her life in her room except when she comes down for dinner to verbally abuse everyone).
However I was grateful to my mother in law for giving us a place to stay though we often felt like squatters and my husband constantly said we needed a Plan B in case we were kicked out. At least we were saving a lot of money so by the time 2 years rolled around, we were in the position to buy and spent around a year looking.
During that time I would bribe this youngest sister in law to make life easier, for example buying her cola. I remember she once accused me of eating her cream cheese (family pack in the fridge) ao I bought her loads and she couldn't finish them. It just went mouldy..
She is honestly quite odd, I have a memory of her calling me up to come home to unlock the door for her (I was buying food at mcdonalds and I remember having to eat my meal in the park as my mother in law keeps strict kosher so I couldn't eat it at home).
I even suspect that she stole my phone during a wedding (this was before i moved out). She was upset with me for sitting in a better seat (where I could see the bride) and made me swap. I then realized after the ceremony that my phone was missing from my bag (it is a cheap android). I kept pestering the restaurant staff for cctv footage but at the end of the night, she messaged me to say the phone was in my husband's 90 year old grandpa's bag and the phone was in her custody..I think it was probably her who took the phone as she refused to return me my phone until she returned home (we were travelling separately).She said it wasn't her responsibility and refused to meet me anywhere so she had my phone for a week. It was too weird, I can't imagine why restaurant staff who stole a phone and then chickened out would put it in a random elderly gentleman's bag (I wasn't even sitting next to him). My husband's grandpa doesn't speak English so it's not like we really communicate so we wouldn't even have looked related (but my husband's sister was sitting next to me)
Even when I moved out, I continued the bribery with food, partially because I felt sorry for her and also because we were spending quite a lot of time with them and I felt like I wanted to repay my mother in law (by providing companionship to her 'problem child')..when she was bribed, she was a lot nicer. My mother in law often invited us over for shabbat meals (couldn't use electricity so the orthodox tradition is to sit around the table for ages talking). So you couldn't really escape her.
However as time has gone by she has grown even more toxic. Her mother defends her. The last straw came when she ordered me to 'look at her when she was speaking to me '. She was telling me that the rise of the far right in Germany was due to Islam.
I said sarcastically, of course I am looking at you, I am looking at you with adoration..she started screaming at me..my husband interjected and told her to stop bullying me. She went ballistic and said she didn't want anything to do with us.
That was over a month ago. We haven't seen her except at a funeral where we didn't acknowledge each other. We also haven't really seen his mother who has firmly taken this daughter's side (for context, my husband is the only one of the 3 other children who still lives in the same country, the two other sisters have moved abroad; one has even moved to America and my mother in law can't afford the flights to visit her). We only saw her once when my husband was meeting up with one of his other sisters and her fiancee and my mother in law (but not the youngest problem sister) came along but we both felt she was avoiding us (easy enough as we met at a museum so she just went to see some different exhibits).
I don't know if it's related but I have struggled with fertility for years. I have even been referred to the fertility clinic, I haven't used artificial contraception since I got married at 22. I am 32 this year and actively trying since 2023..i just found out I am pregnant right after we cut off contact.
Perhaps the stress of interaction with her played a role; even when I wasn't living with her and she was overseas visiting family, I thought that as we met often, there was a possibility of a meeting every week which would last hours (and mostly involve us being lectured and screamed at while the mum looks on). I messaged my mother in law that I am pregnant but she didn't show much interest, she is still upset that we aren't giving in to her precious daughter or coming over for shabbat meals.
My husband messaged her that she is enabling her daughter's behavioral issues and the reason why her daughter kicked up such a fuss is so that she can avoid the long shabbat dinners and festival celebrations as she only tends to come down for meals when we are around..my mother in law has told me that in order to ensure she comes down for meals when we are around, she would stand outside her bedroom door one hour in advance and call her name periodically. This is quite standard, my mother in law blames her IBD. However there are many occasions when she is at least 30 minutes late for meals and when she finally decides to come down, she would throw another tantrum that we have decided to eat without her.
Suffice to say that even though she is 26, she pretty much hasn't grown out of her teenage years and doesn't leave her room most days. My husband felt like we were being used as props for his mother's religious practices. He is an atheist so he never liked that and now even more so when we are being used as target practice for his sister's verbal abuse. In addition due to the israeli palestinian conflict, it has become more tense, she now calls my husband antisemitic (even though they are from the same mother) . She also doesn't consider me Jewish because apparently I don't 'talk about god' or 'celebrate the festivals'. I actually converted to a liberal denomination of Judaism and belong to a liberal synagogue (where I attend services which often clash with my mother in law's festival schedule and it's in a different part of London). I must admit one reason I got into going to synagogue because it was a very easy way at that time to avoid these toxic family meals (when I was living with them) and it was a very long bus ride away so I would come home on Friday night late and be gone for at least half of Saturday.
Anyway I digress but I am wondering that now I am pregnant, would it be unfair to not have much contact with my mother in law given she is the only grandparent that my child could have regular access to. This is likely to be my only child (I own a small 2 bed flat and don't want to increase my mortgage debt significantly even if I upsize) plus I struggled so much to get pregnant (and am already 32). My husband's other siblings are abroad. I don't want my child to have contact with this 'aunt' but I don't see why he or she shouldn't have contact with his/her grandma.
My husband told his mother we are staying away to set boundaries with his sister (as she tags along with Mummy when she goes out to see us unless she decides she can't wake up). So he is worried that if we don't keep to the boundaries, it would all start again and it's bad for our mental health.of course this doesn't mean his mum can't meet us privately without the sister but obviously she hasn't offered to do so. It seems like we function as playmates for this 26 year old woman!
What do you all think. P.s. I am aware that as she is on the spectrum I should be kinder. But a lot of her behavior isn't linked to her autism, it's just toxic. And even if she can't help it, I can't fix her and I don't think subjecting myself to her verbal assault is going to improve her life. Yes she gets less social interaction but I am not sure she valued us anyway.