In my 40s but still find friendships confusing.

[Funky40s]

I have always struggled with friendships. I have a few long term friendships but they are very separate and I only seem to be able to make 1-1 friendships as I struggle in groups.

i feel like I just don’t understand how friendships work, don’t pick up on social cues, don’t read the signs. I think I must be very mah. People find me ok to chat to and if I make an effort they are happy to meet up but people don’t want to be my friend, don’t think to contact me or invite me to things. Someone else comes along who they are better friends with/want to be friends with and that’s it.

i can’t get it right. I try to not care but I think I come across aloof. People would probably say I am ok but don’t really know me. But I have found when I have made an effort either people haven’t responded, it’s not moved past small talk or the friendship is one sided so I let the friendship go. It doesn’t evolve into a friendship outside of seeing them due to dc or if it does it’s because I have initiated it each time.

whenever I have had a small group of friends it has fizzled out to just one friend. I have felt like the rest of the group are closer and I have found that hard or the friendship is one sided.

i find it hard to read messages from people. One minute I am invited for a coffee or glass of wine at their house when picking/dropping off my dc but this isn’t repeated or they then don’t acknowledge me when they are in their friend group. No more effort is made. I guess they have decided we didn’t gel? I don’t know- but they seem to gel with so many other people. What’s wrong with me?

Hey, I just wanted to say that you're not alone at all in this, don't give yourself a hard time. It's definitely hard to make friends and navigate this stuff, and especially these days, I don't know if that's a post-covid thing, season of life or just post-kids. There's certainly nothing wrong with having 1:1 friends. In my experience building a friendship circle takes a long time and kind of has to involve being brave, and take the wheel by doing the inviting/hosting rather than just attending other people's events. Is there anything you're interested in? Sometimes having a shared interest can be a good prop for conversation and meet ups.

Thanks for your reply. Over the last few years I have very much had to come out my comfort zone and make myself approach people or go to an event even though I don’t really know people. I have tried being the organiser and found people are happy to come but I am not invited back. I hear around a night out they have been on or similar and they didn’t think to invite me. People definitely don’t want to bring me into their existing group of friends. I feel like lots of the school mums are open to new friendships with other people, just not me.

I think you mistakenly think of all these interactions as potential friendships. We all have regular interactions all over the place but it usually takes a lot of stars aligning for things to become a ‘friendship’. Life just doesn’t work like that. So maybe chill out a bit and just enjoy any positive interactions and stop having expectations beyond that. People are probably just busy and gave you full attention ad hoc when they could but don’t have time to carve out a ‘friendship’ with everyone they enjoy a few hours company with.

Friends are precious and even 1 or 2 proper ones in a lifetime is enough. I love meeting people but am so busy crossing paths with 20, 30, 50 other mums on any given week, I can barely remember the specifics of each conversation even if I really enjoyed chatting with someone.

Nope, you’re judging based on witnessing interactions that probably go nowhere long term.

I felt like this for most of my life. Was late diagnosed with Autism and ADHD.

You keep talking about ‘making an effort’ and then it not being reciprocated. Respectfully, you are the only one who sees the ‘effort’. Other people just see someone making small talk or asking them for a coffee. I get my undergraduates being upset with a low mark, saying ‘But I worked really hard on that essay!’ To which the reply is often ‘But hard work still means you had to answer the actual question, and you didn’t!’

In friendship terms, all the effort in the world isn’t going to create friendships where there isn’t a meeting of minds, or where people don’t genuinely enjoy one another’s company as individuals. The thing I notice about so many of these lonely friendless posters is that they think of people generically, as a bloc of ‘potential friends’, rather than identifying what kind of person they like and want to be around. So it’s ’I asked a school mum for coffee purely because she said hello’ rather than ‘I liked X that time we talked because of y and z — I’ll see if she fancies coffee’.

OP, what kind of people do you want in your life? And what do you bring to potential friendships? What would potential friends find appealing about you?

I really identify with this, op - it is hard. And even where i have tried to find like minded people eg by doing the same hobbies etc, just can't get that level of connection.

I think stop trying to have “friends” and just really try and enjoy all social interactions you have with anyone you come into contact with. Then you will find after some time that some of them have naturally turned into friendships. But you will have in the meantime made a lot of acquaintances and that is good too! All positive contact is positive.