Marriage decline - handhold

[Thisisforty]

I’ve NC for this despite being a long time poster, due to a mix of feeling embarrassed and to minimise chance of being recognised.

Very long story short, it all came to ahead a few weeks back and I asked for some space because I couldn’t cope with the constant fallouts and I thought it would help us both to take a breath and have a fresh focus.

I previously spoke to DH about how I felt like I was just surviving and not living. We are roommates at best. We’ve only been married a few years. He always says he wants to work through things but never puts changes in place for that to happen, whether it be to prevent fallouts or actually dealing with the fallout when it happens.

Things are still the same.

I keep thinking “if he wanted to, he would”. Marriage is supposed to be give and take but I feel like it’s only me giving and changing.

I have dithered about posting because I know often when people do they get a ton of responses saying that there’s probably someone else, etc, and I really don’t want to deal with that. It won’t help me. I don’t think that’s the case, nor do I want to have to justify why I believe that.

We already tried counselling but nothing changed, he kept saying it was a waste of time. We only went a few times.
We don’t have DC together but do have them separately.

I guess I just want a hand hold to try to stay strong. I have backed down so many times because he doesn’t want us to split up, and of course I don’t want to either because I do love him, and I don’t want to get divorced.

Or I don’t know, if any of you have been in a similar situation and managed to turn it around, by all means please share your wisdom.

I feel at a complete loss. I just know I don’t want to do nothing and be sat here in another 5-10 years feeling the same

@Thisisforty sorry to hear you are struggling. Was your relationship always like this, did something suddenly changed has there been a slow decline? What are you falling out over?

You clearly are unhappy. When you are in a committed relationship it should be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs each other. It doesn’t sound like your DH is putting any effort into rectifying the situation, is he happy with how things are?

You only get one life, don’t live it being unhappy. I’m not saying end your marriage but it takes two to make it work, if he’s not meeting you half way how are you supposed to resolve anything?

@NZDreaming Thank you for your reply.
What you’ve said is exactly how I feel, it takes two but I feel like it’s been 99% me trying to fix things on my own.

He says he knows things need to change, promises that they will, but then goes back to the same ways that cause problems.
Issues are around money, lack of transparency, lack of intimacy, not treating the kids equally, leaving me to deal with everything.
Whenever I try to address anything he says I’m causing issues and not moving on. He feels like I’m always getting at him. I struggle to move on because he never resolves anything or changes what is causing the issues.

There have been many issues over the years but it’s been a lot worse since we got married.

@Thisisforty it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to take any responsibility for his actions and is extremely avoidant. Clearly he doesn’t view anything he does as problematic and sounds like he is very dismissive of your feelings. Doesn’t sound like couples counselling would make a difference as you’ve already tried and he didn’t engage. Perhaps you would benefit from individual counselling/therapy to help you understand what you want to do going forward. It may also help you develop some new communication skills that make it easier for him to hear you as currently it sounds like he is immediately defensive and hostile if you try to address anything. That’s not to imply you are wrong to address these issues but there’s no point if the outcome is the same, you may need to learn a new approach.

From what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like a very happy household and it’s not going to get any better with only one of you putting in any effort. You need to decide ultimately if you want to continue living like this.

What is the impact of these things on your children?
Sometimes if you focus on that it can give you courage.
It doesn't sound as if this is a positive relationship for them.

This sounds so hard. He says he wants to work through it but does not put any effort into it. As far as he is concerned, you are causing the problem by not putting up with his lack of effort.

Has he ever conceded that he is not acting fairly in any issues? Has he said he would try to do things differently? Or does he just push back and blame you every time the issues are discussed?

I also wonder about the children in the home - how old are they? Do they experience any of the tension or witness any arguments? Are your DC close you your DH and are his DC close to you? Do they feel happy and comfortable in their home? Yours are probably aware at the very least of how unhappy you are and this will have an effect on them. This could be reason enough to try a separation, to relieve the tension for them.

The lack of intimacy must be making everything worse - not feeling close or even having fun together.

Do you still love him?

@NZDreaming You are right. The counsellor said that he is avoidant and I’m anxious. I took that on board and tried to approach things differently; being more understanding, wording things differently, giving him space. But I’ve not seen any benefit from that, nor has he done anything differently to try to support my needs. It feels like the only way we will ever be okay is for me to accept that everything is his way or no way.

@Necky1 The impact on the kids really bothers me. This is what lead me to say I wanted space, because I couldn’t bare the thought of the DC being in an atmosphere anymore. Even though we put on a front, they are old enough to see through it.
What I’ve also found hard though is that his DC has been through a lot in other ways, and I sometimes feel like I’m the only one they feel they can talk to, so it feels like I’m abandoning them.

@Tusktusk Crossed post so some answered before I saw yours.

DH often says he knows he needs to do things differently, knows it’s his responsibility to make me feel loved and not have to question it, etc, but then nothing changes.
I’ve tried to support him to change somethings, which he said would help, for example things to improve his communication and planning, but then he just ignores it anyway. Then when I say something I’m nagging.

My DC isn’t close to him, they get along but aren’t close. I’m close to his DC.

I do love him but it feels like there’s no joy in our marriage and I can’t look forward to anything. I know he feels fed up too, but he won’t do anything about it. His chaotic ways and lack of unity make it impossible for me to feel any sense of security and be able to plan for the future.
I’ve also struggled with the thought of leaving because I don’t want to lose my house. I wouldn’t be able to afford another but would be a low priority to get help because my DC is now classed as an adult (though currently still dependent), so they would likely have to live with their dad. I know that’s worst case scenario but it fills me with dread.

You seem quite unhappy@Thisisforty

Your opening post made me wonder how you define love. You say you love your husband. What does that mean to you? No need to answer that here but I’m struck by the dissonance between your obvious unhappiness and your loving your husband.

And you don’t want to divorce. Is that because you’d feel a failure again? (I assume this is not your first marriage) Or is there for you a stigma about divorcing?

It just seems as though you have a picture in your head which is about 60degrees out from your current everyday reality.

It sounds tough.

@YellowAsteroid sorry for the delay, I took some time out today.

I have thought many times why I still love him when his behaviour makes me so unhappy and I can’t settle.
There’s always something that holds me back from making that break. I don’t know if it is defined as love or longing for what I know we had and are capable of.

I do feel a stigma about divorcing, though so few of my family and friends are married (and some are divorced) so they wouldn’t think anything of it.

I suppose I worry that I’m not giving it enough time and patience to get better. But I believe the reason for this is because it’s been years and nothing has changed, and I keep thinking about the ways in which I have changed and the sacrifices I’ve made, and I’m frustrated that I don’t feel like he’s even giving a fraction of that back