How do you actually find yourself?

[Ppeter500]

Hi ladies

wasn’t sure what forum to post. My 8 year relationship came to an end around 6 months ago. Sold the house etc, and I have one DC who is 14 months and lives with me and my parents.

im really struggling since the split with actually knowing who I am. I’ve been trying to work out a career route for myself so that I can provide for DD but I have no idea what I like or want to do.

i lack friends and want to gain more i know this comes from having hobbies but again i dont really have anything that i enjoy to do because i suppose i just dont really know who i am.

I dont think I’ve ever truly known who i am to the core, and i guess i just want to work out how you find that especially as a single mum. People say to me take this time being single to work on yourself and who you are and what you want, have that all in order before you meet someone else but honestly I have no idea where you begin. I’m not really into the whole yoga flow and crystal healing thing so I don’t really know where to start?

do I just hop on a train up to London on my Todd and hope for the best? I’m just a bit confused and a bit all over the place.

ta x

Why don’t you have friends? That’s what gets people through the aftermath of relationship breakups. Isn’t there anything you find appealing, even in the most initial way — do you like being outdoors? Are you sporty? Musical?

Sometimes we’ve not had the chance to try out much so we have no idea what’s enjoyable. I definitely felt the same after my first relationship ended and I was knee-deep in being a mum.

Start small. What do you want next? With work, would you like to be at a desk, moving around, outside, driving? With your social life it’s the usual advice - clubs, sports, shared interests, volunteering. Do what appeals the most.

I would aim for lots of friendly acquaintances at first rather than actively looking for friends.

Friends is step one. With those friends you end up doing things be it meals out of book clubs or disco nights and you find you like some and dislikes some of it. If you don't have friends you join the book club the over 30s meet up sport or running clubs or whatever there is happening locally.

You remind yourself you are [your name] part of [your name] is mummy but that is not all of who you are.

I've been a single parent for the second time now for a couple year this stint. All I can tell you is I like chatting about anything non kid related and sleeping past 9am. That for me is bliss. But it's something about me other than being a mummy and that's important to know. It makes me a more patient and loving mum when I'm not overwhelmed by only being a mummy

What are your talents? What are you good at? This could be anything from drawing to public speaking to being a great listener. You might be a brilliant problem solver. Think about the things you’re naturally good at, that you do with ease. Follow that. Or, if you’re still not sure, just try things. Things you’ve never done before. Get involved in your local community. See what projects are happening in your area. This could be anything from community arts to communal gardening. There are always things happening in community projects and you could most likely take your child along too. Or see what evening classes are on at your local college and try doing a short course. Again this could be anything from learning a new language to philosophy, animation, sewing or cooking. You never know what you might find you have a natural flare and enjoyment for. Read inspiring books. Broaden your horizons that way. Watch documentaries about successful people, new innovations, the arts, different counties. These things will all inspire you and give you ideas about what you might like to try. Ultimately, your options are endless and so I would say, explore and follow those which peak your interest. Do something you find you love because you love it, don’t settle for just anything. Find your niche and pursue it with gusto.

Just relax and don't overthink. Inspiration will come to you if you don't put yourself under pressure.
Enjoy your time as a free person for a while.

What do you like doing? I can't stand yoga or mindfulness stuff. If I were you I'd get myself a console and play through a well rated video game. Solving puzzles, lots of achievement and escapism.

But it doesn’t sound as though the OP primarily wants escapism. She wants to try to figure out who she is, which means focusing more on herself, not less.

Personally I don't think "who I am at core" really exists. People have certain traits (e.g. liking chocolate), but who you are as a person changes throughout your life based on what you do. We're constantly becoming who we're gonna be next.

I'd focus on finding out what you enjoy. That's much easier, just start trying different things, and then noticing how you feel - was it fun, was it relaxing, are you looking forward to going again?

If you have the urge to go on a trip to London, that's as good a place as any to start. Trips alone can be a great opportunity to try out things you fancy and see if you like them.

If you're trying things but not finding anything enjoyable, it might be worth considering whether there's some depression or alexithymia going on.

One other thing - sometimes this can be a result of spending time around people who constantly contradict us. Keep a look out for whether others are trying to tell you how you feel, if someone says "no you don't like that" then give them the side-eye, cos no one else can determine your feelings.

I remember reading somewhere that to help you find out who you are think back to when you were 11 years old and remember what you loved then. lt can be a way to reconnect with early passions and remind you of hobbies, interests and dreams you had then.You never know, this could spark a new interest in you and lead to finding something you enjoy.