Hanging on till Christmas...

[angeldustpv]

Oh ladies, please help me out!! I'm beyond done with my partner and need to end our relationship but it's going to absolutely devastate the kids (13 and 14). I want to wait until after Christmas so we can at least have a nice holiday together. We had a temporary break a couple of months ago which made me realise I'm quite happy without him and can absolutely manage life on my own but he stepped his game up big time and I took him back. However things have gone downhill again and I think he needs to actually get his own place and be completely separate rather than sofa surfing. The kids don't really see the cracks thankfully but we barely talk and he constantly misunderstands me so a lot of our converations are stunted or just absent.
How do I survive the next 6 weeks?? And how do I not completely break the kids telling them he's going again?? They were brilliant when he moved out but utterly devastated. He's a good dad and saw them nearly every day but they won't want him to not live here 😢

If you break up permanently, will he be the one who leaves? Will you be able to stay in your house?

Do you think he stopped making an effort because he can’t be bothered or because he also thinks it’s over? Have you asked or do you both just ignore the elephant in the room?

Oh shoot I missed so much context to my post sorry! Yes he would leave, he has health issues that means he cant work so I do all the financial support. But these affect his mental health quite badly which has been the downfall to our relationship. He is still very much in love with me according to what he says, but has become incredibly inconsistent with what he can/will do and also saying he will do things that he then doesn't. And being depressed which is HARD.
We've always been really good at talking through issues and have talked this to death, the separation was after over a year of trying to fix things but it just keeps going back to the same point where I'm not happy and want out.

OK it sounds like you are done really doesn’t it OP? I assume you know this and there’s no point in any kind of couples counselling? And the house is all yours? He couldn’t try and claim a share of it?

Is he doing anything proactive about his depression? What kind of things isn’t he doing that he says he will? Self help type things? Or things around the house?

Have the conversation with him now perhaps. I mean he will clearly see it isn’t working too. Between you decide when he should move out. When you should tell DC. Maybe you can even help support him in finding a place to live depending on how you feel about that?

Even if he moves out before Christmas, he could still come over on Christmas Day maybe?

DC will see and hear more than you think. They will be OK. Especially if you are civil coparents and they can still see him regularly.

Sorry it’s a crap situation. You sound like a good person and so does he in his way, you can sort it out amicably.

💐

Hi, thank you for your reply. We really have done everything we can short of counselling to fix things, for years we used to pride ourselves on being able to talk things out and move forward but it feels like he's now just unwilling, how much of it is his depression I don't know but every promise he makes he either breaks, forgets or changes his mind about. He doesn't hear me when I speak, like I will literally tell him about a friend who's in an awful situation and his response will be "that's nice" and so many other examples where I'm just dumbfounded by his response. He's got himself a job on the one of the days I work so the kids have to come home on their own (they're old enough but haven't had to do it before) and last week it all went a bit awry: they sat on their phones until he got home and he got really overwhelmed and had a go at them (I don't get home till much later so can't do anything to help). We were discussing the meal plan for the week and he said they should cook for themselves but had previously said they needed to do the washing up etc and they were getting a but confused (asd) so I said "please can you just clarify what the expectations for them are when they get home" and he started yelling at me. Then later said he was pissed off because I'd made him sound like a jerk... I apologised both times without argument because I just don't have it i me anymore but thats just one example of where his behaviour in my opinion is completely unreasonable. Im pretty sure he is well aware that things are deteriorating rapidly again and we may not make it to next week let alone Christmas but I hate the waiting, and knowing that it'll hurt the kids. 😢

I’m not sure why you are waiting.

Have the conversation now if he’s being an absolute jerk to you and DC.

Say it’s time to separate and ask him when he thinks he can move out. Tell him you’ve tried. He doesn’t listen. You are both unhappy so it’s time to move on.

Honestly Christmas is just a few days. And they are likely to be happier days for you and DC without him bringing the mood down. Plus the days away from work and school might be good for you all to get used to the new normal.