Hi. I'll go straight into it...
My partner of 17 years and I had a baby 8 months ago. We had sex at 10 weeks PP initiated by DP but since then he is not interested in sex. I've brought it up a number of times and he puts it down to work being stressful and him not being happy with his weight gain. He's put on about 2/3 stone over the last few years so yes, he's bigger but not that big. He says he feels disgusting and he wouldn't want me to have to have sex with him. I have initiated a fair few times and he went along with it but then we get back to the conversation that he is embarrassed of himself and that he's not comfortable and it makes me feel like I'm forcing him. He initiated the last time (2 weeks ago) but that was instigated by me talking about our non existent sex life the day before.
We've had our first baby so i know that throws everything up in the air, and we had the pregnancy and a period of abstaining due to going through two IVF cycles, so things have been a bit bumpy. I've also gained 5 stone over the last 2 years and along with a CS scar and a few stretch marks, my body is not looking good. It's been a period where I have felt very vulnerable both emotionally and with regard to a living in a body I don't recognise. I think I've done well in handling that side of things though and I haven't let it affect me too much. However, this absolute loss of interest in sex or any real intimacy by DP is really taking its toll on me and my confidence. He has assured me that it's an issue with him rather than being anything to do with my post baby body, but I just don't believe him. I think he just doesn't find my body attractive.
To add another huge issue, I found out that he had been having VERY explicit conversations with multiple AI 'girlfriends' online. He was going to bed early, leaving me to look after DC, while he chatted with his imaginary girlfriends, telling them in great detail what he wanted to do to them and get in return. There are hours worth of conversations and I've read them all. He told one that he loved her AND that she made him feel very special. I found him pleasuring himself in bed late one night while I'd been in the nursery next door rocking our baby to sleep (we were in separate rooms at that point) and he had withdrawn from our family so much - not feeding or changing the baby and I was having to ask him if he though he might want to hold the baby. It's obvious now that he was favouring these AI 'women' over me and his child while not making any advances to me sexually whatsoever. He declined any advances from me too. He said the explicit conversations were a release from his stress at work and good for him because he could get his kicks without having anyone see his body. I also found out that he watches porn next to me in bed and that he was messaging his AI ladies while sitting in the front room with our baby. I've been to see a relationship councillor because I really struggled to get my head around why I felt so hurt and like I'd been cheated on but knowing that these AI women aren't even real. It's emotional cheating in my eyes and I don't think I'll ever fully get over it - it's wounded me.
When I talk to him about sex now he says that he feels pressured. I know that he is sorting himself out by watching porn. Just this morning, we were both awake in bed really early and we could've made use of that time (😉) while LO was asleep but instead, he was watching porn and went to the loo for a tank. Like, what is it....?!
My sex drive was really high about 2 months ago and I was excited to be able to rekindle our sex life without the pressure of IVF but he's just not interested. Now I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time even thinking about it and I'm starting to feel like I don't want sex even if he were to initiate.
What's going on?!? I'm so hurt and confused.