How to help a workaholic

[schoolfeeslave]

Has anyone helped a workaholic overcome their obsession?

My DH is a complete and utter workaholic. He always has been but after WFH during Covid (he never did before) it has become extreme.

He is now a shell of his former self.

He gets up at 5am in order to get to the office for 6am (or log on and work at home so he can get a couple of hours in before DC wake up).

He usually gets home at 6.30/7pm but recently it has crept towards 8pm. If he gets in earlier he will log in again once DC are in bed and work until about 10pm, later if there is a deal on. He hates WFH and he admits he would prefer to work late in the office every day and not log on again when he gets home but then he wouldn't see the DC all week so he doesn't.

He will work around the DC at weekends - eg he will work first thing in the morning, whilst DC do clubs and then might do a couple of hours in the evening when they are in bed. We have barely any time together (which he then complains about).

He has dropped his friends, his hobbies and basically works and spends time with the DC.

There is no reasoning with him. If I try to broach the subject he gets angry and defensive.

He is the main earner by a long chalk and just "giving up work" is not the answer - even if he took a job stacking shelves he would turn it into the most important job in the world and require an 80 hour week. It is just his personality. He is 49 and we don't have the money for him to just retire now without moving house and out of London (I have suggested this, many, many times but he doesn't want to).

Looking back, I have just shouldered more and more and basically enabled this behaviour.

I do not get told when he will be home, whether he will be WFH or in the office. If I ask he acts as if I am being completely unreasonable. I work too, part time around the DC but fortunately my employer is flexible and so I can do all the drop offs and pick up with some wrap around care.

I have a work event next week which I would like to go to but it will mean DH collecting the DC at 5pm. It has been in the diary/ on the wall chart/ his phone for months. I never ask him usually, just see if my mum can help (but she can't this time). I rarely go to after work events (which hampers my career) but this one is important to me (I am organising it!) and he knows that.

I reminded him this morning and, well, it went down like a lead balloon. Usually I would back down or compromise but I refused to (politely) this time. He was on the verge of tears. A completely irrational and over the top response.

It worries me. He is utterly obsessed. I don't understand and we cannot discuss it as he shuts down any talk of his working hours. He won't talk to anyone else - I have tried to get him to see a counsellor and his work set him up with a mentor a couple of years ago because I think they too were worried about him but that has fizzled out.

I don't know what to do - I worry about him so much. He "forgets" to eat and never exercises - he looks thin and unwell. He had a health check and his vitamin D was really low (unsurprisingly) but he won't take the tablets (he "forgets"). He never forgets anything to do with work.
It's like he is on self destruct mode.

What on earth can I do?
PS I don't want you to take away from this that he is a horrible person, he isn't. It is like he is addicted and it has taken over his life.

Why do you think this is your issue to resolve?

It's the same with any addiction - you didn't cause it and you can't control it.

That's on him.

But you won't be the first to try, nor the last. And you won't be successful either.

You are trying to impact change into a grown man who is making his own decisions. You can't.
I'm not saying he makes good decisions. But he is making them, and he's not the one who sees a problem with the situation. Why do you think you can motivate someone to change when they have zero desire to?

The ONLY thing you can do, is set your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about how you want others to behave. Boundaries are about how you're going to act and react to situations which are unacceptable for you.
So f.e. go to your work event. Don't try to convince your husband to like it or agree with it. Don't try to reason with him. Just state you'll be going and that this isn't up for discussion.

What you're doing now is constantly telling him what you'd like him to do, but then dealing with all the consequences and the backlash of him not doing those things. So he basically gets to have all the benefits of his addiction (like being able to stay put, not change, not make any effort, not get help, etc), and you have to deal with all the mess.

The sooner you realise that his addiction isn't your problem, the sooner you can start letting go. Stop focussing on him, but rather focus on what you want in life, what you want from a partner, and ask yourself whether you're happy living like this.

Thank you both.

You're right. It isn't in my gift to put this right.

He acts as if/ says he has no choice but to work this way but it really isn't the case, is it? Ok maybe for a few weeks one might have to put some extra hours in but not consistently for years.

It is completely his choice to do this.

How to assert boundaries? I did not back down this morning and will not be.

How to assert boundaries? I did not back down this morning and will not be.

You keep not backing down.

I rarely go to after work events (which hampers my career)

Start going to more of them. Build your own career up. Force him to do his share of the childcare. It's not fair that his work addiction has a detrimental impact on your own career.

I don't know what else to suggest, OP. You could try sitting him down for a serious talk, but I suppose you have tried that. I think in your situation I would divorce him if things didn't change.

How are you financially - how comfortable is your income, how are your pensions, how is his industry doing, is his job bonus driven?

He needs to be able to pull his weight at home with your event, for sure, but being the main earner also means there is pressure to have a large and secure income, he could be worried about that.

Where are you on his list of priorities? Are you on there at all? As you say, you support him being able to work stupid hours by dealing with the children and house whilst also working. You offer alternatives, he doesn't want to change. You have one evening of something that's important to you - he's practically in tears. These are horrible behaviours that are detrimentally affecting you and DC.

Get them fired?
Sorry, bad joke.
I'd say motivating them to gradually spend more time with you, little by little. Hopefully they'll delegate things at work and realise they can take a bit of a step back. Complaining probably won't help as in their own eyes they either feel they have no choice or they are more comfortable in that environment.

Workaholism is the same as any addiction. There's nothing you can do to help.

Does he see any financial benefit from all these extra hours? Also what's he like on holidays - I assume he brings his laptop?

Personally I'd treat this like any other addiction. If he doesn't want to seek help or change the status quo then I'd walk away. Easier said than done but what message is his work addiction sending to your children about what's expected later in life? He's not a present husband from the sound of things if you don't go out together and he wont talk to you about his work(might be a good man but being present is different).

Maybe suggest marriage counselling so he can help see the impact his behaviour is having?

i have tried to talk so many times - personally I think it is the way he works that is part of the problem. He won't delegate. ADHD hyper focus and so when in work flow that's it, nothing gets in.
He is completely inefficient even in household tasks, unloading the dishwasher is a several step process - unload onto work surface, move cups to underneath cup shelf, plates above plate cupboard etc and then put away, so I suspect he is the same at work.

He is not money oriented- money comes into our joint account and it would stay there left up to him. I save and invest etc.

Finances wise we are comfortable- private school fees are the bugbear (and I have a thread somewhere about that). If I went back full time I could cover our essential bills but we wouldn't be able to save/ pay school fees - not at first anyway as I have torpedoed my career over the past 11 years or so. To be completely honest I would resent him just quitting and making me go back full time just as the DC are getting easier - it has been a hard slog for me.

Personally, I would move out of London and buy a cheaper house but DH won't - partially because he doesn't want to down size career and a longer commute just would not work for him. London suits me because I grew up here and have family here but I am willing to move away if it means he works less.

He has an all or nothing attitude- he either works like this or not at all - and his identity is completely wrapped up in his work.

Oh holidays - getting him to agree which weeks he will take as leave is painful. 9 times out of 10 we end up having to rearrange our holidays because it always ends up being "the worst week ever" for him to take leave.

When he is on a week/ two weeks leave though he is on leave - never takes his laptop but does sometimes take a call or two.
One day? No he will work in the morning/ evening.
I got him to take 4 weeks parental leave once and he was going to use the time to think about things. He didn't. Nothing changed.

DC are only just realising how much he works.

This is such wise advice. Whatever the addiction, all you can do is put in boundaries and focus on your needs. I would definitely think about your career and your future. You will seriously regret it if you don't.

At some point you'll realise you have a colleague rather than a husband. And a colleague you probably won't miss when they/you leave. The next point is what will your relationship be like when he finishes working. It's time to have a conversation with him about this. You might be better working more yourself so you have to cope with his working less

It's like he is on self destruct mode

Let him self destruct.

Put on your oxygen mask and save yourself.

What ways of saving yourself can you think of?

I found your post because I'm in a similar situation, wondering what I can do. Husband gets back late every night, usually after kids are in bed, sometimes after I'm in bed - but even when he gets home earlier he doesn't stop, he's outside doing jobs, in the shed, in the garage, putting bins out, bringing coal in, doing laundry and hassling me about stuff on the to-do list. Literally at midnight he's still going and the dinner I made for him is still sitting there, he doesn't sleep till he nods off in his computer chair. He moans if I ask him to put our son to bed, because he's doing something that he considers more important - even though he hardly sees the kids. He moans if he sees me watching TV and has to keep hassling me and walking in front of it and fussing around me. I've begun to realise it's an addiction and he's also probably also got OCD and ADHD. Even when we went on holiday he was sitting on his laptop or fussing over things, would never come and just sit by the pool and relax. It seems to be getting worse as addictions do, he is also increasingly grumpy and unpleasant because he's just feeding stress and everyone in the family is suffering from it. I don't have any answers - I was just wondering if anything has improved for you, if you had any success with maintaining your boundaries or if you're still struggling?

In a word, no!

sorry you are going through similar.

We had a small breakthrough over Christmas - he had 3 weeks off and did not work at all during that time. He was like a different person. I mean, he still won't sit still and he drove me crazy "pottering" getting absolutely nothing done but he was much happier and relaxed.

Then straight back to it, just as before. Won't talk about it, still won't take a bloody vitamin D tablet even if I put it in front of him with a glass of water.

I think he wants to make himself sick so he has to give up. I am at a loss tbh.