Hello, I’m at a loss and need advice. My brother has been with his wife (SIL) for over a decade, but she has never wanted to be involved with our family. Early on, she avoided us entirely and has often controlled access to their kids, even preventing us from seeing them after they were born. Over the years, we've walked on eggshells, faced insults, lent them money, and tried to make peace, even suggesting family therapy, which they rejected. My brother has said this is because SIL "reminded" him (he's got a terrible memory) that my parents had once kicked him out when he lived with them in his late twenties - they've never done this and she wouldn't get involved in the family even before this. It seems like a convenient, unfounded excuse.
Recently, my brother suggested a meeting to "clear the air." SIL spent two hours berating us, revealed she monitors all his communication with us, and after over a decade of holding back, I finally lost my cool, saying she treats the children like possessions (another issue for another day). Now they’ve completely cut us off, except for minimal communication around birthdays and Christmas where they will tell us what to get the children after we ask. We’ve also realised the children might not even be getting the gifts we send, as vouchers aren't being used and we no longer receive thank-yous, that others still get.
I’m genuinely worried about my brother, who seems controlled by SIL. I have no way to contact him without her being involved. Any advice on how to stay in contact with him or repair relations? Any advice on ensuring the children don't grow up thinking we didn't love them and try with them? Thank you