Fallen out of love - what now?

[Buttercup0102]

I am in a right pickle and have no idea what my next steps are. I'll try and summarise as best I can:

The background
I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 10. 2 kids under 10.
We rushed into marriage and kids followed quickly after.
There has been no connection from my side for quite some time. Even when we were trying to conceive, the sex was for one reason only.
For a long time, I forced myself to have sex with him to keep him happy. He would get grumpier and grumpier until it happened. Then i'd get a week or 2 of peace where I felt an actual sense of relief that he wouldn't pester me for a while. He'd game most nights unless he wanted sex, then he'd come into the lounge and watch TV with me with him hoping he'd get what he wanted.
There is no spark there whatsoever. It was always so forced.
I actually thought I had issues with my libido.
He went through a period of depression, we were all walking on eggshells. He refused to get help and blamed me constantly.
I am the primary parent and my mental load has always been overflowing. He didn't care to listen to what I was having to do every day. He would pick and choose when he would parent e.g. he'd sit in his office if he didn't want to put the kids to bed, or sit in the car waiting for us if he didn't want to help get them ready to go out.
As you can imagine, the resentment has built up so much, which brings me to the now.

The now
For the last 6 months, I have completely disconnected from my husband. There are a number of reasons for this.
I feel nothing towards him. It is like having an annoying brother.
We have nothing in common. We have nothing to talk about. He has no sense of humour. I stopped having sex with him. I got told that prostitutes do it, so why can't I force myself. I got told i'd enjoy it once I get into it.
The above coincided with a period of reinvention; losing weight, getting fit, being happier in myself. I then unexpectedly met someone at work. I had no intention of doing this, and never in a million years did I think i'd do it. I'd known him for many years but had no idea that his marriage was also in a dire situation. We had an immediate connection, and I couldn't stop myself from taking things further. He is everything my husband is not: He has the best sense of humour, he has so much conversation and is very deep, is full of amazing and interesting facts, he is very intelligent and we have lots of similar interests. He is incredibly thoughtful. The chemistry between us is unreal. I could not have met someone more perfect, other than the fact he is also in a similar terrible situation that I am in. We have messaged every day for the last 6 months, and see each other regularly. I know nothing can progress currently with the situation we are both in, but I cannot stop.

My husband and I have recently had couples therapy - it has been terrible, and even the therapist had no idea what to suggest as she agreed we are on completely opposite pages.

My husband insists I am the love of his life (I really can't be). He has started putting the washing on multiple times a week, and honestly believes this should fix things. He can't understand when I say that to me a connection is natural and can't be forced. I can't see myself being in this situation of not being happy in a relationship for the rest of my life. Especially when I have experienced what I could have. How could I ever go back to being with someone that doesn't seem like he is my person.

What to do?
If you've read this far, you are probably thinking - surely you just need to leave? but I feel totally stuck. How do I do this? I hate hurting people? I can't cope with the guilt. It will affect him so badly. I have no idea how logistically it would work. He is currently renovating our house, it isn't ready to sell. We wouldn't have enough money for one of us to rent and one stay in the house. Once sold, we'd have enough money to buy our own properties. I just can't see how i'm going to get to that stage. I don't hate him as a person, but I don't love him and I'm craving connection, love, surprise, depth, humour, chemistry, excitement, maturity. The list goes on.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How did it work out?
Any advice? I really don't know what to do :-(

Well you stop your affair immediately. For someone who can't stand the thought of hurting people you are taking of the most destructive and abusive grenades you can and are holding it over your life and family.

Divorce is never easy. Divorce with infidelity is it's own type of hell. You increase the risk high conflict co parenting significantly which is worse for your kids.

You act like an adult and end your relationship. Counselling isn't always a way to sustain a relationship. It can also be a way to end it in as respectful and planned way as possible.

You are being deceitful all over the place. You have him sitting in therapy knowing you don't want to be in a relationship with him. He could turn himself inside out and upside down and it wouldn't change anything.

So be honest. Tell him you want a Divorce that you want to work together to get the house fixed so you can both move on.

Then get your own therapist to work on yourself and having healthy boundaries and focus on transitioning your kids into a separated family units by yourself.

The first thing you need to prepare for is getting your arse handed to you on here. Mumsnet doesn't like cheaters.

Because they use bullshit clichés like I can't stop, I can't help myself. To justify abusive piss poor pity partying behaviour.

The OP is wasting everyone's time in therapy flat out lying to her therapist, her husband and living in cloud cuckoo land while she has two small kids to think of because someone makes her feel special.

All while romanticising another liar who lacks self control as if he is the saviour to self imposed problems.

I stopped reading when I got to the 'I met someone at work' bit. All of the stuff you wrote before that might have been a reason but it's not a justification.

You are miserable. Leave and be on your own. Getting in a tangle with another man is not the way to do it. He is not free to be with you. I see a lot of heartache ahead unless you get out now because you don't love your husband not because you have met someone else.

Imagine going to couples therapy to try to save your marriage and your wife is already six months deep in a relationship with another man.

and you don’t want to hurt anyone? 🙄

I have zero sympathy to be honest.
It sounds like you initially got what you wanted and used him.
Now you’re happy to get rid.

Of course the connection with the OM is amazing, wonderful, fireworks and rainbows. It is a fantasy that hasn't been tested by real life. It is exciting until you get caught out. This isn't Romeo and Juliet and the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. In fact, it usually ends within about 2 years, and then the hard graft of maintaining a long term relationship starts.

Sitting in counselling lying to the counsellor, lying to your husband, lying to yourself. Is that who you really are and who you want to be? You are already hurting people, they just don't know it yet. This is multiple other people's lives that you and loverboy are fucking over. His wife, your husband, all your kids.

Your children will be devastated when they find out you had an affair which split up your marriage. They will find out.
You need to have some respect for your husband and tell him you're leaving and why

I think you should focus on repairing your relationship with your husband to protect your children. They need mum and dad together - they will be the real losers in a failed relationship. Many women would be grateful for a husband like yours - at least he is not violent, alcoholic etc. You cant compare a relationship at the 12-year-mark with a new romance. The OM will probably be just like your husband 12 years from now. I think you need to think about what you need in a relationship and communicate that in a direct manner to your husband - men generally not good at picking up subtle messages - so be sure to make time to sit down and talk. The children must be your priority - in this case they will be worse off and it will affect them for the rest of their lived.

I very much doubt op will come back to this thread, because it didn’t say what she wanted to hear.
But I read the whole thing thinking OM was going to pop up any minute and…..yep, there he was. Goes to show that “the script” isn’t just used by men!
If you want to leave your husband, do it, you have every right if you are unhappy. But attending couples therapy when you are mid affair is duplicitous and deceitful in a way that I cannot fathom. Stop going, leave your husband and work on your boundaries.

Your husband sounds like a twat with his approach to sex but you sound like even more of a twat with using him as a sperm donor then having an affair.

How do I do this? I hate hurting people?

This isn't true btw. You hate saying words out loud that hurt people, because you place undue emphasis on everything being superficially nice and polite and not awkward. You have no problem with doing things that hurt people, such as using a man you didn't love as a sperm donor and then having an affair.

Which you're entirely capable of stopping, too, so no more of that "I can't help myself" nonsense.

Advice is the standard. End the affair, divorce your husband. The logistical stuff will be a pain but you're just going to have to suck that up.

My friend met her husband the way you and your AP met, at work, both in miserable marriage/relationships. What I will tell you is yes, their honeymoon phase was lovely, the best times were with each other once they left their relationships. They didn't make their relationship physical until they both left their partners.

What I will also tell you is that both their respective partners made their lives a living hell on the co-parenting front. It bonded them over this but made their lives very difficult. Neither side would give anything to make anything easier like Mother's Day with your actual Mother if it fell on the Dad's contact weekend. There were deliberate sabotages of plans, parenting the complete opposite of what they had done before because they knew it would piss off the other parent. It was very sad that the children were used in this way.

For your own marriage, I think it would be very hard to get it back on track especially re his previous attitude to sex and the prostitution comparison. In all honesty you need to sit down with your husband and discuss how this will work going forward ie divorce, how child contact will work, the sale of the house, dividing up pension pots, cars etc. That is the reality of the situation and your AP may not actually leave his wife for you either. Yes it is all rainbows and sunshine because you are not living together, talking bills and dentist appointments alongside your other amazing conversations.

You should have ended the relationship BEFORE beginning a new one. Think of your DCs, who would find this out eventually; nothing stays hidden forever imo. It is fine to fall out of love and move on, but that is never an excuse to cheat. IMO it makes you worse than your dh.

Living with somebody for years and having the strain of children is very different to an office romance. You see what they allow you to see, how much do you really know your colleague? Your dh has a disgusting attitude towards sex, and you clearly dislike him in other ways as well. I think you need to deal with ending this relationship before you even think of starting another one.

This I'm afraid OP. My ex did all of this to me.

Still getting over it almost 4 years later. Unimaginably cruel.

Put your affair on hold (genuinely) and end your marriage. A few rooms not being finished is NOT a reasonable justification to stay.

Disagree with this, your husband doesn't sound great and I think your marriage is absolutely over.

Whilst you should put your kids first, this means disengaging with him as respectfully as possible.

No judgment from me.

It sounds like you've got some serious empathic ruptures between you.
Both sides have contributed.

The good thing is that a new opportunity is here, in the form of being honest: with yourself, and with him, but really with yourself. This honesty will lead to a lot of hurt initially - sorry, you can't escape a lot of pain in these situations - but with a lot of work the end result is a New You.

I would suggest the OM is actually a distraction from this. He's a temporary relief, a temporary escape.

What you really need to do is heal yourself, become the person you've been waiting to be, which is a long process but you can start it now.

Look up how successful relationships work - John Gottman is a good reference.

Attached below some very good reading links.

Start by being honest - you will have to sooner or later - and the opportunity is now with the therapists support.

I agree with others, lying in front of the therapist is absolutely counterproductive.

Links

More Relationship Info

Dr Psych Mom