How do I leave?

[CharityButtonhole]

Hello, first time poster here.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and we’ve been married for 8. We have 2 DC age 6 and 3.

I think I want to end our relationship but I’m really scared about:

A. Having to move out of our beautiful family home (will I have to? He’s paid more for it than me even though technically our money is joint). I pay equal mortgage monthly, but he makes regular large overpayments and paid more deposit than me.
B. Struggling financially after splitting. He earns a lot more than me (my salary is not bad but I work 4 days a week self employed and take time off during school hols to care for DC - he works 5 days a week and his salary is double mine).

Has anyone had similar concerns, and how did it pan out?

Some background, I have concerns of it being an unhealthy relationship - emotional abuse, coercive control. He’s making me doubt this and wonder if it’s actually me that’s the problem - but maybe that’s the nature of this kind of behaviour. We’ve been unhappy for about 5-6 years, and he hasn’t told me he loves me for 4+ years. I feel pathetic for putting up with everything for this long but also devastated that I’m going to lose him. But I’m done being criticised for everything and walking on eggshells. I guess I’m looking for some reassurance.

First of all, coercive control is his fault, not yours.

Women's Aid will help you with this. I was in an abusive relationship and my GP put me in touch with my local branch of women's Aid. They invited me on s course about domestic abuse and gave me a support worker. These two things together as well as the backup from my GP helped me to start a new life. In my area at least , Women's Ais are in touch with solicitors who offer a free 30 minute consultations. You beed a solicitor OP.

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs and your life will change if you divorce.

I would get legal advice regarding your finances and speak to Gingerbread about other issues such as co parenting, benefits and maintenance.

You could also phone your local domestic abuse organisation for support.

I’m sorry OP.

Firstly go and speak to a solicitor and get advice about the house and mortgage and any potential financial settlement. Have details of pensions and savings and earnings ready for that. Don’t tell him you’re doing it. That will give you an idea on where you stand.

You can leave him for any reason. Coercive control or not. But if he is controlling best you keep things to yourself until you have a plan.

💐

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=mpssa114?content-id=amzn1.sym.9b298263-96c2-4798-9dc9-cc665cf284f3&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.uUI2rhcRHZlXM12qdb43hfGkI6izc9V93MtqWesv20XTb2z9bI47oTSICe96WWDb-IsyFnzYrreLqu-2-npDJxulBSo5s999Kg3suOIGOAR7c2YzGvVnQbzVBbCQ1kaRgPqnK98bUnlDLtCkQQTNyCHcAl5fGvliBNNaRoCo1gTlQ8fCRbpz91Kyt32hCP-I4r52mxgcAW-l0tCjXQ.H0IjFJxtzTrRwnPubjtK84yYHR-z01RlPhGSTMDZ7To&dibbtag=se&nsdOptOutParam=true&pdrddr=ce63fcc6-7b2f-4cdc-917b-3d54ea593eb7&pdrddw=m3all&pdrddwg=LEggy&pfrddp=9b298263-96c2-4798-9dc9-cc665cf284f3&pfrddr=PDS36MEMMXJKMS4HAXRS&qid=1731544411&refinements=p72%3A184315031&s=books&sr=1-4

This book is a good introduction to domestic abuse. My women's aid support worker recommended it.

Thanks so much for these replies so far, that’s really helpful.

Also not that anyone has asked but if there was no DC involved I wouldn’t be so scared of starting afresh wherever than might take me, but I just want to give them the best life I can. I do the majority of parenting myself, so I wouldn’t be worried about that aspect of it - I feel like a single parent anyway most of the time!

I firstly would take some legal advice about your situation so you know where you stand. You are young enough to be able to move on, whilst it may be tough at times you will get there in the end. I would then have to tell my partner that we are both unhappy and what you propose. When I went through this many years ago we agreed to sell our property so we could move on. I think counselling is part of the process nowadays. Do what is best you. Good luck in what you decide to do.

Yes it’s scary. But you’ll be ok.

My friend did it with 4 DC. She let him outsmart her with the financials though as she wasn’t cool headed enough to get all the info she needed before she played her hand.

One step at a time.
💐

100%

Life will be different when you go, but you'll find that actually you can manage fine without everything you've got now. You and the kids can be happy in a different house if needs be. If you need to get out, then just do it, you'll make it work and it will feel like a weight has been lifted off you.