Second Child Doubts but desperatly wanted

[bluemoonredmoon]

If you have been through this dilemma, I would love to hear from you. Whether you went for another child or not - are you happy with your choice? Do you live with regret?

I have a young ds who is my world, and I am desperate for another. We were planning on ttc within a month. However, a huge spanner has been thrown into the works: a old colleague of dh got in touch with me and told me about a one night stand she had had with dh (I assume her dh had found out and made her tell me). I am feeling so distraught, and have no idea if this is the tip of the iceburg.

Dh is doing all the right things I guess, but honestly the most heartbreaking thing to me right now is that I feel he has robbed me of my chance for a second child. Due to my age, I feel like this year would be my last chance of conceiving.

Would I be mad to just see him as a sperm donor at this point, and have a second? My worry is that we'll work hard on our marriage and if we are lucky we will build it back over the next few years. But I will then have deep resentment for the rest of our lives because we never had another - and this could in turn ruin the marriage.

I just really don't know what to do, and I feel like the yearning for another child is sheilding me from the pain of his betrayal. Would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and what you did to come out the other side. I'm aware I probably sound insane to others.

How long ago was the one night stand?

You don't sound insane at all by the way.

Reading your post, it sounds like you don’t necessarily want your DH anymore, only the chance of a 2nd child. Understandable if he’s betrayed you like that. However, can you bear to let him touch you in order to conceive? Is the infidelity something you could ever work through?

Having an only child isn’t the worst thing in the world. My DD is an only, DH and I are solid, and while it would have been nice to have another it just didn’t work out.

Can you afford a second child eg taking time off work and childcare costs etc?

Can you manage two children by yourself should you split?

Have you looked at the reality of the situation eg where you'd live, mortgage payments etc?

If so and it's all great then have a second.

However, can you bear to let him touch you in order to conceive?

Yes that's what I was thinking, and it's why I asked how long ago it was. I mean it's pretty obvious but worth stating - you would have to have lots of sex with him to conceive. Could you do that?

I know this is probably different advice than the advice you will get from others, but if you can bear to have sex with him, I'd go for the second child. He's apparently already betrayed you, and I wouldn't let him take this from you too.

Sometimes marriages can come back from betrayal and sometimes they can't, but I think that's secondary to your desire to have another baby. If you can manage two children on your own should you split, and if you could handle him potentially having 50-50 with your two children, then I wouldn't judge you one bit if you decided to go for it,

If you never have a second child, then at least you would know you'd given it your best shot. I don't know what age you are, but it sounds as if you feel that you are running out of time? Certainly in terms of meeting someone else, and getting that relationship to a point where it would be comfortable to have a baby?

Agree need more detail e.g how long ago it happened etc.

Not the same but similar in theme, my husband had cancer when we would have tried for another. We had a v difficult first and it took us 3 years to even consider a second might be on the cards (husband struggled more than me) even in the slightest then husband was diagnosed. Unfortunately chemo side effect was infertility so sperm was banked but by the time he got the all clear and we were allowed to try I was knocking on 40 and child was 5 nearly 6. We tried for a while but it just wasn't to be and we decided that my age and the age gap would be too big and stopped trying. I was bereft at some points and of all the things I did resent him, he was the reason we hadn't tried yet when child was younger and his cancer was the reason we couldn't have more children. I have at times absolutely longed for another, I couldn't be around other people with small children or siblings without becoming upset for a while.
Fast forward a few years and we've both 95% made peace with it. It wasn't the life we planned but it's our life and we're happy on the whole. I sometimes feel bad that we never gave our child a sibling but to be honest he's not in the slightest bothered! He does have nieces the same age though and lots of friends that always play at ours, but we've put the effort in for him to foster these relationships.

Honestly, it's quite raw now and I think you have another year or so really to figure things out (unless you have fertility issues), a baby won't help the situation if your not in a good stance beforehand. I would first and foremost figure out if you want to stay with your husband. One happy child is better than two children going through divorce or a loveless parental relationship.

I totally agree with this post.

You don’t sound crazy at all. What an awful dilemma to have.
I would strongly consider taking at least 3-6 months before starting trying to conceive if that is what you decide. It wouldn’t make much difference in terms of ttc. It might make a world of difference in terms of figuring out what you want and reducing any regrets in the future.
How old are you? Are you truly at that much of a time crunch?

Thank you for these replies. I don't know why I feel such an urgency - it's all I think about, even more than the ONS! I'm about to turn 41, so it may not happen anyway. And, yes, weirdly, I could still have sex with him.

Listen hunny, I'd be the last to condemn you for going for it. I had my 3rd child when I was 40 after two miscarriages and I was fearful after each one that DH would want to call a halt!

You do what you have to do. You can deal with your relationship after x

I thought this was going to be a thread about the pros and cons of having a second child but there is obviously way more going on here.

What an awful dilemma. I think you firstly need to figure out if you can forgive him and move on. If you can't, then ask yourself whether you want to be a single parent to two kids.

Imagine how you're going to feel if you become pregnant and also dealing with his betrayal.

Personally I wouldn't have had a second in these circumstances.

Two difficult and different dilemmas here. And no you absolutely should not be planning another child while sorting the cheating one. Selfish, unfair and probably a complete head-fuck for you as well. Decide what you are going to do about the cheating husband first.

I would go for the second child, as for me, my child having a sibling, which would be for their lifetimes, would outweigh the betrayal.

I would, and I say that as mother of 3, very happily divorced to a man I finally discovered had cheated with all and sundry (paid for and otherwise). Fuck him. Get what you want (or try at least) and leave him.

OP maybe I'm old fashioned but I strongly believe adults should be responsible and can't always do what they desire.
You need to put the child you already have first and don't bring another one into trainwreck marriage.
Think about cost of childcare, mortgage, covering sick days. As single parent you will be greatly discriminated against on housing market.
Do you have a lot of money/family support to offset that? Or do you live in very cheap area and have a good job?

Things happen in life but children deserve to be at least planned with their wellbeing at heart and broken marriage/unstable future is not in best interest of a child.

Also think about long term future. You're imagining two small children with simple needs playing together but they will get older. They will want to do activities, school trips, maybe go to university. They will bring their own challenges and have they own thoughts about anyone you date etc.
Will you be able to provide financially and emotionally for two teenagers? Will you be able to have a relationship at some point and fit it into your life?

In the end it's your decision but think about all implications first.

@Bibi12 completely agree.

Would also add I think there desperation, at least some of it, come from knowing times running out - hormonal - not necessarily the best reason to have another

I think you need to decide if you see yourself with your DH long term, if you can get past this.

What about the baby? Imagine it from their perspective. My mother knew my father was a complete scumbag by decided to choice him as my father anyway. She knowingly brought me into a dysfunctional family dynamic. What if baby 2 has SEN? The older you are the higher your chances. What will it do to your existing son's life? I think it's a really shitty thing to do to a child.