How to disentangle myself and start life again

[wanttobloom]

I feel exhausted and I'm not even sure I am going to make much sense but I was hoping for some advice. I'm in a situation and I know nothing will change unless I change something but I feel like I have nothing left in me and feel like I just don't have it in me.

I don't have any family. My dad died and my mum and one sibling are extremely abusive. About 5 years ago, I realised I needed to just go NC. It was very hard and extremely sad. Occasionally, they call to leave abusive messages saying I should do more to help, that I'm a terrible person. I've blocked them from my phone and even blocked mutual family friends to try and stop this from happening. Sometimes thye could leave 30 messages within a few days after months of no contact.

I've told very few friends I'm NC as I'm just so sad and also feel ashamed of the whole thing.

I have a partner. He is 15 years older than me. We met when I was 20 and to a certain extent, I think he was both the cause and symptom of a lot of problems since. He has treated me very badly. It feels my life has shrunk to accommodate him and what he wants. I know he will never change. I love my job but it is stressful and does not pay that well and to a large extent I've ended up out of financial necessity staying with him. He is really the only family I have and at least he is there even if he is abusive at times. But I am so miserable.

I know that if I was financially independent I would be happier, I could leave and do more and try and carve out a life for myself. My job is the really the only thing in my life though that keeps me going.

I think what I need to do is earn more money which means changing jobs. I just feel so sad about everything and extremely low. My partner once said I would never be able to survive without him and on one level he is right. I know that I have no one in my life who genuinely cares for me, loves me or would put me first. I want to build a loving supportive family of my own and a life that is joyful but I just feel completely knocked down. Every month I scrape by and the one thing I should do which is change career, I don't want to do which also makes me angry with myself.

If someone has any advice, I'd be very grateful.

Contact women’s aid. Ask for emergency housing. They might put you in a communal facility with other ladies and their children who have fled domestic abuse, but in your case, that would be a good thing as it would give you the opportunity to make friends. Keep your job but get help from women’s aid to claim any benefits you’re entitled to. You may be able to claim universal credit if you’re on a low income. You might also qualify for housing and council tax benefits.

The first thing you need to do is get away from your abusive partner. Once you’re away from him, block him everywhere and go no contact with him too. You don’t mention currently having children. Is this correct? If so, that’s a good thing. It means you can cut all ties.

You can leave this abusive relationship and start fresh in your own place. I’m t might take a while for you to get a place but women’s aid can help you with that. Get on to all the local housing associations and council housing lists. Since you have been made homeless due to fleeing domestic abuse, you will be housed as a priority. Again, women’s aid can help you with this.

When you’re free and set up n your own place, you can really start building a new life for yourself. Take an interest class in something you want to learn for fun. You’ll meet friends there. Get involved with local community groups and projects. You’ll meet people there. Take up a new hobby, something you’ve always wanted to try. You’ll meet people who share your interests. Spend your time healing and building your circle of friends.

Do the freedom programme too. And read this book

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

it will help you learn to spot red flags by explaining how the minds of these abusive men work.

I know it’s hard but you can do this. I did it and with a child too. And over the years since then, I’ve supported many women going through the same thing. It will be hard and scary but it will be the best thing you ever did. Sending strength 💐

Love your job? Keep it (unless / until you find a better one)
But you don't love your partner, and he doesn't love you - so leave
You need to find some space away from hurtful and abusive home relationships before you can start again. You went from an unloving family to a controlling partner so have you ever really been in a loving place? I can't help feeling that's what you need most.
Money can always be earned, so don't let that be your deciding factor: There's more to life and you need to be in a place where you're not bring ground down, where there's people around you who care for you.
Sending hugs, don't be afraid to reach out

About your job.
Are you working full-time? Could you be working more?
If it meant being able to affort to leave, could you combine with other sources of income? It's not the same situation, but my partner and I both worked a full-time job combined with other jobs after hours or on the weekends, just for some extra cash-flow during difficult times. Even as little as babysitting/tutoring could bring in some extra cash.