Any advice from ND couples or with experience?...

[CanWeFixIt2]

Name changing for this. I'm having some difficulty here and wonder if anyone had any advice.

I'm in a relationship that has been quite short, just over four months. We don't know each other that well yet, but it has been quite intense but good. We are both ND and I experienced CSA and subsequent abuse into later life. I've had to work hard over many years to get to a point where I have relationships with people who respect and care for me. Its tough and I sometimes fall off the wagon/go back into the fog or however you'd like to picture it but I am at a point where I have good friends, good times and generally a very happy life so I feel incredibly blessed to have got to that point!

This guy has absolutely been the best I've encountered on my journey! He's quite gentle, thoughtful, a bit shy, considerate in many ways, very intelligent in many ways, nice looking, interesting and fun. We are both in our fifties.
However I think due to his ND or just his character is quite vague and quite disorganised. He's spent a fair bit of time at my place and will very often walk in, put himself on the sofa and stay there. I've made a few comments about it and he's got a little better. He works online so spends time doing that when he is here but doesn't seem to do a whole lot else in the house or if he does get up, doesn't really know what to do to help. After this time I'm wondering if this will be a permanent feature of our relationship as there will always be an excuse to sit at the computer and he could be doing anything when he's doing that. Also sometimes he will ask me what he needs to wear for the day i.e. if it's cold which seems a bit bizarre to me as if he wants me to organise him. To be fair I often have enough trouble organising myself to get out of the door so this could be tricky. He is also a bit less social than me. I am quite reserved but he is more so but overall we gel with it.

His job is pretty well paid, very much more so than mine but he doesn't massively contribute to things unless been prompted and seems fairly thrifty. Seems to have stopped planning anything much for the future such as weekends away except a possible trip based around his special interest. Despite that though has paid for loads of meals out and evenings and a couple of weekends away at the beginning so I feel bad commenting about the other stuff.

The biggest thing for me though has been his communication. A couple of times when he's been stressed about something he's seemingly refused to listen to anything I'm saying and just talked over me, repeating himself. In retrospect I probably should have just listened rather than try and help but it felt as though unfairly offloading his frustration just by basically disagreeing with everything I said. Some of it was professional advice that I had given him. He has definitely become more blunt and less polite as we have progressed although made a point of telling one of my friends how blunt I am at the beginning (I can be without realising sometimes).

The final situation we have fallen out over the American election. I have been completely triggered by this, as I imagine very many people are. He has only a little bit of an idea of my past although to some people with awareness it would be glaringly obvious. He just keeps talking over me and telling me the good points about the Republicans and how bad the Democrats are (Afghanistan, the Middle East) and Putin isn't that bad etc. This has been going on for a short while and felt a bit insidious. Then after the election he just kept saying how we can all be optimistic ànd wouldn't stop repeating this, as if he wanted me to agree. I think he spends alot of time on twitter. It feels controlling.

I suggested we have a communication problem and previously had suggested counselling (not that it's just him that needs it) but he just keeps stating his case and doesn't seem to be able to see a bigger picture such that we are not communicating what we think we are communicating to each other. Strangely at the beginning wouldn't talk about politics at all as he said it was boring but I think was perhaps just holding back!

I am not in a position to pay for counselling so he had agreed to pay but I just feel like I'm dragging him into something that probably won't make any sense to him - and making him pay for it. I had left this after the second disagreement, knowing full well our communication issue would probably resurface, which it did with the discussion about the election.

Am I wasting my time? It's difficult as well when I've found someone I connect with so well in other ways. I'm also reading the ASD thread and can see elements of this so don't want to end up constantly wasting my energy trying to make him understand. Having said that I have my own ND and probably borderline ASD which we connect on i.e. both have the special interest element and similar-ish special interests!

He did at one point call me "complicated" so I think is just looking for an easy life with not much emotional stuff to have to think about. My gut is also saying 'maybe not'. Interested to know if anyone has any thoughts. Hopefully it will be gentle ones. It would be helpful to hear other perspectives. Even if not it has helped me to write down the problems. Currently I've said to him I don't think it's going to work out and left the ball in his court.

I'm not ND Op but there are some things in your post that jump out at me and apply whether you're NT/ND.
Don't ignore that gut instinct, it's trying to tell you something isn't quite right and in time you'll work out what's wrong.
He's stopped making an effort. A lot of men do this once they've got into a relationship, they've got you so they don't need to impress you anymore. It's very early days Op, he shouldn't be taking you for granted nor exoecting you to sort his life out

It’s only been 4 months and it doesn’t sound like you even like him. You’ve dumped him, and that sounds like it’s for the best. He both deserve someone you like and are excited about who is also good to you.

Get rid. Imagine what this low effort will look like in a few years.

@Twochefs I certainly wouldn't read that I don't like him from my post, (exactly the opposite i would say) but I am looking at it from a different perspective to you perhaps do you think? I've listed very many more good points but written much more on the challenges I am concerned about for the future.

When someone ND in this way finds another person with a similar special interest(s) it is like finding your absolute soulmate. This might not be obvious from the post. Thanks for replying though. Peace friend.

Thanks @Daleksatemyshed

It sound like he could of been doing some lovebombing and convincing from the start. You mention him paying for meals, but what jumped out was going for weekends away at the start. That's a bit back to front, it's more at the stage you are at now that you'd consider weekend away planning, not at the start, then done.
If he comes to your house, then planks himself down and does wfh at your house, how many hours a week is he at yours? I'd say after 4 months, meeting twice a week is a good rule of thumb. I suspect you've both been moving this relationship on at quite a fast pace. Sounds like he's already getting his feet under your door if he's there so much you want him to help you with housework.
At 4 months you should be still meeting up for dates, not playing house and with each other doing the day to day.
Slow it down, take a breath, I think you might be approaching getting bored of him very quickly at this rate. Invite him over for the evening by all means, even N overnight, but in between, see the friends you have, make sure you have time to do your own thing. It all sounds too fast and too intense from the start.

This isn't a good relationship, OP. No relationship should require counselling after 4 months. If you are at the point where you think you need that, then that is a huge sign that this is not going to work for you. It is great that you have found someone who shares your special interests, but that is not enough to base a whole relationship on. Good communication is essential and you haven't found it with this man. He also sounds like he is unwilling to put the effort into having a meaningful relationship with you. His actions suggest the opposite.

He may make a great friend. You share a special interest.

He doesn’t make a great mate because he isn’t interested in what you think. He doesn’t care that you disagree and are upset by his views on American politics. He doesn’t pull his weight at home.

To be honest, there’s an element of efficiency about some people with ASD- that being in a relationship makes things easier to manage, someone sharing the organising and bills- when actually the support element- and indeed the lack of it- is a high level demand.

At the moment he is benefiting a lot at your expense. He won’t see any problems with the relationship because it’s working for him. When you tell him you’re unhappy, he will wonder why because it’s all golden. For him.

@Opentooffers I agree it has gone very quickly. I imagine that can have pros and cons though. At least I know what to expect more quickly as well.
@sonjadog yes I think you are probably right, he doesn't want to put the effort in although sad as really has done in other ways although maybe it's declined a bit over the time
@SensibleSigma I needed to hear that and all the other posts, thank you. Its tough when they are really great in many ways but you are right. He doesn't care about my feelings in that respect and that's not going to work. I like the idea of staying friends and I think he will too although he will probably try to reconcile possibly for a while. Maybe I will take a bit of time out first.

You barely know each other - four months is not long at all. I think you need some more boundaries, like him walking in and settling down for the evening is just a bit much for this stage. (It would be wayyyy too much for me).

He sounds quite eager to fit you into the "wifey" or even "mum" role and that would put me right off.

As for his politics...

Honestly, slow it down. I don't think you need relationship counselling, I think you need to get to know each other a lot more, take your time, and don't get into day to day domesticity for a long while.

If you're considering counselling after four months, I'd be worried about this relationship in the longer term.

@category12 I agree it's all been much too fast but at least I know fairly quickly what I am in for.

Reading the ASD threads and knowing my own organisational skills can be lacking, I can kind of get why he struggles with some of that. Non NT people sometimes are brilliant at some things and much less good at others. He has openly said struggles often with easy requests and tasks but I know has a gift for things that most of us would never be able to do. So I feel I have to cut him a bit of slack in that respect.

Yes the politics have surprised me as he didn't seem that way at the beginning. Having spent probably too much time thinking it through, I've come to the conclusion that all the little remarks in the last few weeks about how rubbish the Democrats were (i.e. saying 'look at what Biden didn't do for the women of Afghanistan' ) may be to appease his conscience, perhaps subconsciously, as in his area of work (finance) the Republicans were generally much more popular and he has probably benefited financially a huge amount from the election, from what I can tell anyway. He has two daughters so maybe he feels bad and his modus operandi is to dump off on someone else when that happens. Who knows. I could be completely wrong about all if it..

@LilacTurtle Thanks for your reply. Yes it might seem odd to suggest that at such an early stage. But the fact that there is a clear communication issue that possibly could be resolved quite quickly made me consider it. I've read about couples who do things like this at the very beginning of a relationship and it seemed like a positive step, especially to those who might struggle with relationships for whatever reason. But I am now pretty sure it won't work for us though unless he pushes for it, which I don't think he will do.

If you read the ASD thread you will have seen that there are lots of women with ADHD with men with ASD. It initially seems like a good match. Over time many of us have been completely eroded by our marriages and ended up with catastrophic health failures that make it very hard to escape. I have observed this pattern playing out in daily life too.

My advice based on my own example and that of many others on the thread is run for your life. Seriously. Don't walk, run, while you still can.

I just think, four months in, you're still in the "getting to know" you stage - and that often doesn't turn into a long term relationship. And that's OK.

Better to find out you're incompatible and move on than try to force it.

@SquirrelSoShiny I started reading through the ASD thread again but couldn't see you yet. I will continue looking for your story. I'm so sorry you have experienced these difficulties and yes I can see how much damage can be caused. It's so sad.

I have really been surrounded by ND family my whole life and am somewhere on the spectrum myself but not with some of the more challenging behaviours (I think/hope). I thought that maybe 2 ASD types could make a positive perhaps...

So I can relate to you and your struggles, in a way, as well. I also had a very absent father who is really very autistic and used to pop in once a year to traumatise me on my birthday until he stopped when I was 14 as it was too hard for him apparently. He has and had no concept of me as a different person, let alone a child and the little I do remember for instance, exposing me to incredibly inappropriate things as if he was interacting with himself not a 7 year old. He wasn't really in my life for long so I feel more sorry for his other family but it was a massive thing growing up without a dad for me as my other family were also mostly really shit and abusive.
Anyway my recent boyfriend we've been discussing was way way way better than this in terms of empathy and understanding of other people, being loving and actually criticised my Dad when he met him once briefly so could definitely see the flaws. (I have very low contact with my Dad only over the last few years which has been diminishing in the last few months) But I know my bar has been very low previously so its good to hear yours and other opinions.
Sending you lots of good vibes, and hope for better times 💐thanks for answering..

@category12 thanks for your reply. Yes it looks like we are moving on and seems like it's for the better. But I do miss him.

I’m not ND, but as others have said, you sound fundamentally incompatible (and he sounds like a bit of a crackpot to be honest!). This is the fun, easy bit of a relationship at only 4 months, not the going to relationship counselling bit. Set this one lose and find someone more suitable and lovely for yourself.