How old is your dd? My dd had a friend (x) like this at the end of primary, start of secondary. X joined in year 6. In year 7 dd told me a few times she wanted to go to the netball courts to hang with some other girls but x didn’t want to go so dd stayed with her so she wasn’t on her own. I thought nothing of this but lockdown struck and the more time went on, the more evident it was that dd was people pleasing and x was becoming increasingly manipulative.
X spent a lot of time in my garden in lockdown 1 and the final straw was when she came to the table to eat and dd didn’t. When I asked x she said dd was upset and down the bottom of the garden. I suddenly realised how manipulated I also felt and was shocked that she was treating dd like a sibling or some such and my house as her home. In principle fine but not on comparing how she and her mother treated dd at their house.
Consequently I decided to get dd to invite a group of girls, half dd was friends with already and the other half wanted to be friends with dd for a few hours one afternoon (in the garden - lockdown) and got domino’s. I got dd to ask x what she thought of these girls. She said she hated them so she didn’t get an invite. I knew she’d say this as she had previously but I could then justify no invite. To be clear they were at my house for about 4 hours when x was always at my house (in the garden - lockdown) and each time eaten at my table.
X was notably upset and X’s mother told dd she is a bad friend. The mother phoned me about it and I was very clear. Perhaps dd was enough for x but x is not enough for dd. I used the excuse that dd doesn’t have family or cousin in our area or siblings when x does. What I should have also said apart from mind your own business is that x had other friends that she spent time with, who lived on her road. So dd was broadening her horizons also.
X stopped talking to dd for a few weeks then I suggested to dd that we include her in her birthday party. Things worked ok for a while. But she was not fine with these new friends and caused so much drama. According to x dd was disloyal as one of the friends dd invited over the girl didn’t like. Except it was fine for x to be friends with a girl, who actively disliked dd! Things got really toxic from there as x started slagging off the girl she didn’t like. As a result, the mother of the girl she’d been slagging off allowed a group of 10 kids to call x and basically cyber bully x. Dd tried to stop it, despite this dd was blamed… I know this as dd recorded the entire interaction and she didn’t say a word. X’s mother got the school involved. As a result, x started slagging dd off. Everyone at school believed dd but some mutual friends with dd and x did not, which caused more drama. Dd did absolutely nothing wrong and tried very hard to remain friends with x.
The girls are no longer friends and it was a real relief. Dd has changed so much and that friendship was not healthy because she would not allow dd to be friends with the people she wanted to be friends with. Up until x arriving on the scene, dd had had a lot of friends but x made it so awkward that dd simply couldn’t be friends with others.
Dd is 16 now and in year 12. I’ve heard a friend say to her she has the most friends of anyone they know. And dd does. She has an amazing ability to capture friends. She also isn’t possessive of friends and allows them to be who they want to be. From time to time she gets friends being possessive of her. I usually see possessiveness, where the mums are possessive of dd themselves as dd is very well liked by parents as she’s sensible and nice to her friends. Things unfortunately turned nasty with another friend as the friend became jealous of dd. To be clear, dd was not unkind to this girl. This girl blows hot and cold and dd always put up with the waves. It’s gone too far this time and even though I’ve known this particular friend since she was 4, she is no longer welcome in my home as she told dd to stop eating as she’s putting on weight. For reference dd has anorexia. The friend also told dd’s boyfriend she hopes he ODs on his meds and dies. I think it eventually is going to go the same way with another friend and cracks are showing. But dd is too old for me to get involved and I say very little unless I need to put a boundary up when things to go spectacularly wrong.
I have just realised in writing this just how much this first episode empowered dd to be her own person. So in answer to your comment, absolutely help your dd. Do it kindly to her friend. She may come along for the ride. She may not. The situation with the second friend (who told dd to stop eating) got toxic this year partly egged on by her stepmother. This is the stepmother, who told dd repeatedly that she’s like a daughter to her. Usually when this situation happens and you can feel possessiveness coming from the mum, there is toxicity.
I have a brilliant relationship with dd’s friends and call them my second daughters. But I am very clear they are not my children and I defer to their parents, their family values and cultures whereas in these instances the mothers / stepmother think they know better than me. I still love and care for the friend, who said such sickening things to my dd because my love is unconditional to these children. That doesn’t mean she is safe to be around.
Idk if the friendship with survive between your dd and her friend or between you and her mum. But if supporting your dd breaks the friendship with her mum, so be it. Your dd comes first. I get the pull and the hold you feel over you. Get some play dates in with other girls. Encourage on rotation etc. Allow your dd the freedom to feel what it is like to not be oppressed or worried by what this friend thinks.