Single mother now a single grandmother.

[Sunandrain2]

DH has been giving money to a family member (not daughter). I don't know how much. I received a message meant for someone else.
Her daughter is about to be a single mum too.
I asked dh if anyone was helping her budget. I got told they were being given advice.
I've got no idea if they're claiming benefits they're entitled to.
It's not the money, it's the amount - which will be a struggle for me to find out.
It's reasonable for me to be concerned about money-management - especially with their grandchild on the way.

I want to tell my husband that this is a deal-breaker: He's working loads giving an unknown amount of money to someone who will need more when the baby comes. How do we know she isn't blowing it all on online gambling?
I'm very upset things going-on behind my back.
I want to know how much he's given her, if she's claiming what she can from govt and what's being done to help her manage her money.
If he won't tell me this, then it's over, cos he's got time for this but not the kids or me.

I want to ask the family member how much they've received, status of benefit claims and if they've been helped with a budget. I'm scared of opening a can of worms.
This is deceit?

How do you organise your finances as a household? Separate? Not separate?

If separate then really it’s his money and he can spend it by sending it to family member if he wants to.

Is it impacting the amount you have to pay?

What she is claiming isn’t your business really, it’s up to him how much info he has and what money he parts with. It’s a bit strange that he hasn’t been open with you about it but maybe this person asked him to keep it private and so he’s doing what they asked?

If he is prioritising this person, I'm guessing mum or sister or someone, over your own children and you and lying about it or refusing to discuss it then it's reasonable to say that's not ok with you and you've had enough.

Are your children going without so he can provide for this family member?

I don't know how much he has given her or how much he will give in the future.
We are both mid to late fifties.
We need to determine a rough budget for ourselves to ensure we are saving enough for our later years.
If he's giving her money, then that's going to reduce the amount we will have.

I'm fed up with being on

On the outside.
It's not just the money, he's working long hours to give it to her? Like an affair?

The message I received today in error referred to a widow sending her money.
A widow who has health needs of her own - that doesn't seem right to me but that's not my business.

Affair?
when you said family member, did you not mean a member of his family?
Is it a relative of yours that he is financially supporting?

No need for the subterfuge if you want advice give more information
I'm assume Widow = DH mother
Soon to be GM = DH sister and his niece is soon to be SM.

Her financial situation, benefits status and financial advice is nothing to do with you, unless you wish to offer to help them apply if they haven't already. What your DH does with his money is up to him if he wants to help his family out providing he has already paid his share of bills etc. However it sounds like you have far bigger issues than this if you aren't able to sit down and have a conversation about it and you feel you and DC are going without.

We all go without time with him cos he's working 7 days a week.

I want to turn up to her flat and tell her there's no more money until she sits down with me and does a rough budget and claims all the state can give her.
I don't know if she's living within her means.
If she needs regular "topping up", then an amount should be decided upon which she can save if she doesn't use it that particular week/month - not just money handed out when she asks.

Mrsttcno1 (just realised what your name might mean - lots of luck), he can't earn money without me doing loads of household admin and management - I enable him to have the time to work (even on our annual holiday), so I don't regard it as separate.

Relative of his but it feels like an affair cos I'm excluded from knowing.

. Don’t try to fix the situation by taking your marital disputes outside of your marriage. Your problem is a lack of communication within the marriage, a lack of financial transparency, and a lack of shared financial priorities. Deal with those issues directly by talking to your husband. If you won’t talk to you, then decide if your marriage is worth formal marriage counseling to try to improve your communication.

How is your overall relationship with these people? Can you turn up with a baby gift, and say you know DH has been having them some financial support but know they would prefer to be self sufficient and offer to go through things with them?

Do you have reason to believe they are living wildly beyond their means? Big house / car / TV / goat / designer clothes, or do they look like they are struggling and DHs money goes to buy them a decent weather appropriate coat / winter shoes?

It's the emotional side of it - he's working weekends to give an unspecified amount to a relative of his who has encouraged her daughter to get pregnant at a young age, despite knowing how hard it is financially, emotionally and practically.
Dh then gets called on to support them and leaves the kids and I on our own.

Well this is a DH and a marriage problem then. Is DH the MAN of the family and carrying that stress to provide for himself and mother / sister / niece as well as you and your children. Is their cultural things at play here where that is the assumption?

Hi single. Great idea re.present!😀
I don't know what the money goes on, I haven't seen them for a year, if it's for essentials like warm clothes, then it's ok

But the grandmother to be is under 50 - part-time job possible for her. But she refuses to work.

Possibly cultural?

You need to just sit down with your DH and sort this out. Asking opinions on the net won’t help.

I don’t agree that ‘it’s his money so he can do whatever he wants with it’.
Nit when ‘his’ money has huge implications on the OP (wo talking about the fact that if they separated, it wouldn’t be ‘his’ money but ‘their’ money together)

the fact he is hiding it means

• he knows the OP wouldnt be happy with it but prefers the head in sand approach
• he has been lying (if only by omission) and that, in itself, shows no respect for the OP

Now I agree the best thing you can do is talk to him. You need to get curious as what is happening and why he feels he HAS TO help. He also needs to understand your worries and why you think like that. He can’t just brush this off.

You need to decide what you are and are not willing to accept and go from there.
You aren't in control of what he does with his earnings. That much is clear from his behaviour and his choices. He either doesn't care how you feel or doesn't consider it your business.

You can't make him care. You can only tell him that you want it to stop and you want to be involved in financial planning or you can't stay with him.

But only say that if you mean it. Empty threats are pointless.

Would you do similar if it was your relative ?

I need to unravel the emotional from the financial.
I think I need to ask him logically why he feels he needs to give her money.
I need to be aware of his emotional ties to his family and what I'm willing to accept.

Good point.
Yes if it was £20 a month, but any more and I'd feel crap keeping it a secret from.dh