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Original poster

Can I ever get the trust back?

26 replies

Losthetrust · 13/11/2024 10:15

Without going into detail, my DP did something to lose a lot of my trust recently. I've been trying to forgive and move on but it's been proving to be very hard. Lots of people say once the trust is gone, that's it. Has anyone else been in this situation, did you regain the trust?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2024 10:19

If there is now no trust there is no relationship.

TriangleLight · 13/11/2024 10:20

No, I do not believe you can. From my own experience

Original poster
Losthetrust · 13/11/2024 11:25

I was hoping that not everything was lost.. not I'm not so sure

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 13/11/2024 11:29

I don’t think so, no. If you live in a relationship without trust (and I assume people who forgive affairs do to some extent), then that’s fine if it works for you. I couldn’t do it, and I don’t think many people could.

monty09 · 13/11/2024 11:30

I don't think you can get the trust back as it changes you as a person, I stayed my my next ex for five years, and he did it again and blamed me.
But saying that, I know a couple that has got through it and is happier than ever.

LizzieBowesLyon · 13/11/2024 11:30

It’s a hard one. Depends. Depends on what it was and the context and is it a pattern of behaviour etc.

Original poster
Losthetrust · 13/11/2024 11:34

I don't want to say exactly what as I'd be outing myself, but let's just say others have told me it wouldn't be worth breaking up over. Part of me agrees, but then the other part of me feels like the trust is broken and I'm constantly on edge waiting for him to mess up again (and if he does, I'm gone). I don't want to always expect the worst. I honestly don't know how he can prove he's trustworthy again, and if he can't prove it to me, then it's all a bit hopeless isn't it?

OP posts:
skkyelark · 13/11/2024 11:40

Trust is given freely only once. It can be rebuilt, but it takes time and work (most, but not all, of which should be his!).

You say this happened recently, so it may simply be too soon. He needs to show that he understands why what he did broke your trust, that he understands why he did it, and that he can and consistently will take steps to avoid the same situation and to do things to rebuild your trust. And he needs to do this without complaining about the fact that it does take time and work and you don't yet 'just trust him' like you did before. Is he up for that?

That said, if you don't want to go through all of that, that's a completely valid and entirely personal decision – even if he is.

lollypopsforme · 13/11/2024 12:08

Never be second place for him.
If he love you so much he would have never have done it in the first place.
Dont fall for all the sob stories either cheat once take him back thats his free pass to do it again and you spen the rest of your life wondering if he will do it again.
Trust may come back but you will never 100% trust him.
Your worth more than that yes it will hurt for a while but you wake up one day and wonder what the hell you saw in him.

Notanotherdick · 13/11/2024 12:48

If he's a gambling addict, get out now. It's not about trusting him, he can't trust himself. You will lose everything.

Cloouudnine · 13/11/2024 12:56

Depends a bit what has happened, as pp said if he has fallen back into an addiction then probably not possible to get trust back.

If he made a dumb mistake, eg left the kids alone in the house or gave them too much sugar or took them to see MiL and you are no-contact with her… then that’s recoverable

If he did something like rack up £10k debt without telling you, then again - that’s probably recoverable

Whatever it is - you will feel you need to actively police a recurrence for a while: then you might relax enough to stop it being the main thing preoccupying you. could take years

if it’s going to make you both miserable I can’t see why you’d put yourself through that

LizzieBowesLyon · 13/11/2024 12:59

I’m still on “it depends.” For example - he has terrible health needs, and has promised he’s given up smoking but you find the packets. That’s somewhat different to catching him texting other women. I suppose it’s the difference between a promise and a vow, maybe?

Full on addiction - people relapse and it’s up to you to decide if you believe they’re doing everything in their power to overcome it.

Trying to get his rocks off elsewhere - that’s a choice.

You alone have to live with the consequences of your choices not anyone else and if you know that YOU can’t bear the thought of waiting for the next fuck up, then you have your answer.

KnigCnut · 13/11/2024 13:24

Depends what he did, and also why. Why is important because it affects whether it is likely to happen again.
MN is generally very black and white on this. Any breach of trust is completely insurmountable. I think this oversimplifies most relationships and situations. Every couple is made up of two unique individuals and even in similar situations, the nuance between one and the next can lead to different outcomes.

I am assuming that this is not an infidelity situation as your friends say they wouldn't leave for it. However, some of the online resources for rebuilding trust after cheating might help you to at least work through your feelings about whatever happened. As long as you are safe, there is no need to make a decision about it today, tomorrow, next week etc. Sometimes, all it needs is time.

Hoppy34 · 13/11/2024 18:39

I think you can rebuild the trust if you both want to make the relationship work.
It’s hard to judge not knowing what he’s actually done however I think with time , patience, honesty going forward it can be worked on.

GreyCarpet · 13/11/2024 19:06

others have told me it wouldn't be worth breaking up over

Without knowing what it was specifically...

Actually, it doesn't matter does it?

The question isn't is this forgivable? the question is about the trust.

My feeling is that you can trust someone intellectually. Eg in your head, it makes sense. But in your heart, in your chest, in your darkest moments when you need them the most? When that trust is the most important?

Well, that's a different matter.

Susieb2023 · 13/11/2024 19:22

Yes trust can be repaired but it depends on a lot of factors. It’s consistent honest actions over a sustained period of time, true remorse from the trust breaker, a willingness to try and rebuild from the one betrayed and the actual action itself.

Being betrayed, in whatever way it happens you, changes you at your core. It’ll teach you to trust yourself more. And that might mean one chance to repair and one only.

retinolalcohol · 13/11/2024 20:02

Depends on the kind of person you are. I could never truly trust someone who had broken it once.

Original poster
Losthetrust · 13/11/2024 20:13

Susieb2023 · 13/11/2024 19:22

Yes trust can be repaired but it depends on a lot of factors. It’s consistent honest actions over a sustained period of time, true remorse from the trust breaker, a willingness to try and rebuild from the one betrayed and the actual action itself.

Being betrayed, in whatever way it happens you, changes you at your core. It’ll teach you to trust yourself more. And that might mean one chance to repair and one only.

I like what you said about consistent honest actions over a sustained period of time - I think that's the only way I can learn to trust again. It just means that I have to give it time I suppose. If I don't start to trust him a little bit more each week then I know it's time to walk away. There will only be one more chance, regardless.

OP posts:
Whowhatwhere21 · 13/11/2024 20:23

I think it can depending on the situation. My partner has broken my trust many times in the past, but the context surrounding it made a differnce for me, and his actions since. I now have the trust back with no concerns. I honestly think it depends on what he has done, and what he plans to do going forward to try and make amends and make it possible to get the trust back.

Necky1 · 13/11/2024 21:47

I think your circumstances can dictate your decision.

If you are childless and not married and the trust has been broken by betraying you by an emotional affair etc. I think you are wasting your time trying.

If you have children and you want to try then it might be worth it if huge effort was made.

Unfortunately I do believe when trust is gone, at a deep visceral level it is irretrievable.

ProvincialLady24 · 13/11/2024 21:52

It will never be the same again.

Imagine a crisp white sheet with an ugly stain on it.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/11/2024 21:55

How outing can it be. People tend to put the sa.e problems on here all the ti.e.
Meeting women
Watching porn
Using sex cams
Having an affair
Gambling
Pretending he had done the shopping and lying about it.
I have no idea how bad it is or if its something trivial.

LoudSnoringDog · 14/11/2024 04:27

Unless you say something like "at 5pm on Monday outside the savoy theatre London, my husband, who was dressed in a bright red suit......blah blah blah" then it's hard to determine what is /isn't ok to try and rebuild trust in. For me, cheating is something I would never regain any trust from

LoudSnoringDog · 14/11/2024 04:29

LoudSnoringDog · 14/11/2024 04:27

Unless you say something like "at 5pm on Monday outside the savoy theatre London, my husband, who was dressed in a bright red suit......blah blah blah" then it's hard to determine what is /isn't ok to try and rebuild trust in. For me, cheating is something I would never regain any trust from

Sorry my post makes no sense I'm tired... should say after the red suit comment it's hard to understand exactly how "outing" you're issue can be!

I've made no sense in that post! I should go back to sleep!

Magicisuponus · 14/11/2024 21:31

It also depends on how much he owns his betrayal. Has he admitted all, and accepts full responsibility?

So, if raking up debt : he fully sees where he went wrong and knows how to change.

If cheated once: he knows why he did it, and doesn’t blame it on alcohol.
If an affair : again, he has insight in why it happened, and doesn’t blame it on OW (‘I couldn’t say no’ , yes, I’ve heard that one..🙄)

Without him owning the betrayal, he won’t be able to make the necessary changes, and it’s likely you’ll end up in similar situations.

And I second a pp - a 20 yr marriage might be worth putting the effort in. Not living together and trust already broken at this stage, not so..

But, even with all the insight in the world, only you know deep down if you are able to forgive.
Trust yourself and don’t waste 2 years trying when you actually know you’re not going to be able to find that trust with him.