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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this something or not?

26 replies

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 06:03

Me and this guy work together. I've only been there for a few months. We don't see each other every day but we have to communicate at work.
Anyway i became single, joined the dating apps. We matched. Briefly spoke he was then going away for a week. He mentioned not knowing if a work relationship was a good idea but thought I was good looking.
I replied saying we'll if you feel awkward about it we can be friends and here's my number if you want a friendly chat. I left the message up for a week and then deleted the dating app (they are dire).
Back at work I'd seen him a few times and he had been friendly with me.
Yesterday I asked if he needed help with something he said he did. So I helped. Towards the end he mentioned how I unmatched him before he could write down my number. I said that I had come off the dating apps as they were awful but said he was welcome to my number if he wanted. He said he would love it and took it. A few mins later I get a text saying here's mine, thanks for helping me.
I replied saying no worries have a nice afternoon.
Then I heard nothing. I know I didn't put much back but I feel cautious.
Does he just want to be friends or more. Surely if he didn't want more there was no need to say about not getting my number and me unmatching him.
So I'm feeling confused

I know people will say stay clear you work with him etc but I'm not planning on staying there long term, we do completely different jobs and my workplace is huge so hardly see him unless I went out of my way to. Plus people meet at work all the time.
So what do you think? Should I let him come to me if he wants more? He is pretty shy too and blushes at the smallest thing, which is quite cute.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 13/11/2024 06:18

I think he likes you and wants to move cautiously and get to know you slowly in a friendly way first. Workplace relationships ate a bit risky so I do understand him.
Keep in touch with him through messages and let it flow slowly. He is interested for sure. See If it’s worth it before wrecking your career.

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 06:36

Christl78 · 13/11/2024 06:18

I think he likes you and wants to move cautiously and get to know you slowly in a friendly way first. Workplace relationships ate a bit risky so I do understand him.
Keep in touch with him through messages and let it flow slowly. He is interested for sure. See If it’s worth it before wrecking your career.

Yes I do get that they can turn awkward in a workplace if things don't work out. So I get the being caution. Just thought we would be having more of a conversation to get to know each other. I don't know much about him tbh

OP posts:
AlertCat · 13/11/2024 06:42

See if he wants to get a coffee one lunchtime?

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 06:47

AlertCat · 13/11/2024 06:42

See if he wants to get a coffee one lunchtime?

I've been vague about our Jobs as I don't want to out myself but it wouldn't be possible to go for a coffee at lunch together at my work.

OP posts:
SunshineSteve · 13/11/2024 06:50

I think he’s just being cautious as he doesn’t know if you just want to be friends or try for something more. Since you work together he is probably playing it safe so you might need to make the first move and be a little flirty in your messages and see it if goes from there.

GreyCarpet · 13/11/2024 07:53

Ask him if he wants to go for a coffee and see what he says.

Maybe I'm just too old for all this nonsense now but I'm not interested in being left wondering anymore.

I get that people are shy and cautious but they can also be low effort and game playing too and you don't really want any part of that

AlertCat · 13/11/2024 12:12

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 06:47

I've been vague about our Jobs as I don't want to out myself but it wouldn't be possible to go for a coffee at lunch together at my work.

Ok, well something similarly low-pressure? Visit an arboretum one weekend? Meet in town while shopping individually? Something tagged onto the start or end of your working day? I think for me the key would be making it so low-key that you could make the same suggestion to a female colleague and it would seem normal and without connotation. That way you can just see how things go, and if it doesn’t happen then you haven’t risked much.

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 14:29

GreyCarpet · 13/11/2024 07:53

Ask him if he wants to go for a coffee and see what he says.

Maybe I'm just too old for all this nonsense now but I'm not interested in being left wondering anymore.

I get that people are shy and cautious but they can also be low effort and game playing too and you don't really want any part of that

Exactly I don't want any game playing too. Life's too short for that.
I think I'm weary because I've asked men before out for a drink etc and been turned down and that knocked my confidence I guess.

OP posts:
Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 14:31

AlertCat · 13/11/2024 12:12

Ok, well something similarly low-pressure? Visit an arboretum one weekend? Meet in town while shopping individually? Something tagged onto the start or end of your working day? I think for me the key would be making it so low-key that you could make the same suggestion to a female colleague and it would seem normal and without connotation. That way you can just see how things go, and if it doesn’t happen then you haven’t risked much.

Very true. I was thinking coffee and a walk. Like you say I could easily do that with a friend or colleague too

OP posts:
SunshineSteve · 13/11/2024 16:58

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 14:31

Very true. I was thinking coffee and a walk. Like you say I could easily do that with a friend or colleague too

Nothing unusual about that, colleagues do it all the time and as far as anyone else knows you could have just bumped into each other at a cafe.
If you give it a try then you can at least say you had a go and it worked out or it didn’t but at least then you’ll know instead of wondering ‘what if’

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 20:34

SunshineSteve · 13/11/2024 16:58

Nothing unusual about that, colleagues do it all the time and as far as anyone else knows you could have just bumped into each other at a cafe.
If you give it a try then you can at least say you had a go and it worked out or it didn’t but at least then you’ll know instead of wondering ‘what if’

Ah I'm just scared. Isn't it usually the guy asking? I don't want to get rejected 🙈

OP posts:
AlertCat · 13/11/2024 20:45

I asked my now DH in general terms and he invited me in specific terms- sort of a team effort! He might be delighted for you to say “how about getting a coffee at some point? Here, have my number and let me know when would suit you.”

or maybe just the first bit 😆

Autumn5000 · 13/11/2024 21:17

AlertCat · 13/11/2024 20:45

I asked my now DH in general terms and he invited me in specific terms- sort of a team effort! He might be delighted for you to say “how about getting a coffee at some point? Here, have my number and let me know when would suit you.”

or maybe just the first bit 😆

Yea maybe I can just ask generally like you said. I guess I'll have my answer about if he wants to take it further to get to know each other

OP posts:
Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 18:10

Well we have been texting all day and it was a bit flirty. I asked him out generally and he's replied saying can do but you live miles away and I don't have any free time. So I guess I know where I stand...... I just said yea no worries I understand

OP posts:
Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 18:46

Also just to add his response to my should we grab coffee and go for a walk sometime was "have you got a dog"
I don't know why I need a dog to go have a walk lol

OP posts:
category12 · 14/11/2024 18:53

If you've given your number twice and he still hasn't made a move, I think you should take it as he's not interested.

category12 · 14/11/2024 18:54

Oh should read the thread, sorry :D

AlertCat · 14/11/2024 19:51

Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 18:46

Also just to add his response to my should we grab coffee and go for a walk sometime was "have you got a dog"
I don't know why I need a dog to go have a walk lol

That’s a shame, but well done for being brave.

Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 20:15

AlertCat · 14/11/2024 19:51

That’s a shame, but well done for being brave.

Feeling a bit sad and meh. Thought he was interested but clearly not. In previous messages he imply me coming to his to chill on the sofa but I'm not looking for short term fun especially with a work colleague. It would become messy

OP posts:
AlertCat · 15/11/2024 06:23

Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 20:15

Feeling a bit sad and meh. Thought he was interested but clearly not. In previous messages he imply me coming to his to chill on the sofa but I'm not looking for short term fun especially with a work colleague. It would become messy

Lucky escape? Maybe he’s not as nice as he seems, if this is his aim 🤨

Autumn5000 · 15/11/2024 06:33

Yea lucky I think. He was texting back so quick when he thought he had a chance for me to come over and sleep with him. No reply now though when I've made it clear I wanted to go for a walk though.

OP posts:
OneLemonGuide · 15/11/2024 06:37

Autumn5000 · 14/11/2024 20:15

Feeling a bit sad and meh. Thought he was interested but clearly not. In previous messages he imply me coming to his to chill on the sofa but I'm not looking for short term fun especially with a work colleague. It would become messy

Sounds like you has a lucky escape… He was fine with you coming over to his for a shag, but couldn’t be bothered to meet you for a walk because you live too far away, even though you obviously commute to work every day, and he was “too busy”, which is a bullshit excuse if he’s on dating apps!

OneLemonGuide · 15/11/2024 06:44

Autumn5000 · 15/11/2024 06:33

Yea lucky I think. He was texting back so quick when he thought he had a chance for me to come over and sleep with him. No reply now though when I've made it clear I wanted to go for a walk though.

It’s crazy how low effort some guys are.

He clearly wanted a shag, but he couldn’t even be bothered to go on a very inexpensive date first and tried his luck (not that you’d have necessarily had sex with him on a first date)… He just wants sex dishes up to him on a plate without having to make the slightest effort - what a complete wanker!

i suppose at least he wasn’t playing games and was up front about just wanting a bit of fun.

Autumn5000 · 15/11/2024 06:58

OneLemonGuide · 15/11/2024 06:44

It’s crazy how low effort some guys are.

He clearly wanted a shag, but he couldn’t even be bothered to go on a very inexpensive date first and tried his luck (not that you’d have necessarily had sex with him on a first date)… He just wants sex dishes up to him on a plate without having to make the slightest effort - what a complete wanker!

i suppose at least he wasn’t playing games and was up front about just wanting a bit of fun.

And instead of replying and being civil he's chosen to ignore my message and sulk that he couldn't get sex out of me.
Funny how his dating profile said. Looking for long term and he specifically wrote in his bio that he would like another child. Clearly they are not his intentions!

OP posts:
AlertCat · 15/11/2024 07:46

Autumn5000 · 15/11/2024 06:58

And instead of replying and being civil he's chosen to ignore my message and sulk that he couldn't get sex out of me.
Funny how his dating profile said. Looking for long term and he specifically wrote in his bio that he would like another child. Clearly they are not his intentions!

FFS, there are so few good ones out there 😟