Getting unstuck after emotional abuse

[greengreenwalls]

Help. Sorry this is long. I feel like I'm stuck.. I'm late 40s. Came out of a very emotionally abusive relationship about 5 years ago - confidence and sense of self completely destroyed. He was the classic charismatic, everyone thinks he's lovely, type. We work in the same field where everyone knows everyone - shared friends, shared colleagues. I felt I couldn't really talk about what had happened in case it was unprofessional. I tried telling a few friends who I thought were close - from all of them, got some version of 'Well that sounds tough but I still consider him a friend and brilliant [professional]'. I had panic attacks whenever I saw him mentioned on social media, or his new partner - both of them very senior, attractive 'influencer' types, impossible to escape. I also went through some fairly horrendous medical stuff over this period.

I tried to rebuild myself. I made new friends, tried to keep some of my old ones (some of whom knew about his abuse, some didn't). I shifted my career slightly so we weren't entirely working in the same area. I've lost weight, got in shape, had a better haircut, had therapy. It's the usual cliche - I'm smart, funny, ok to look at; very lucky now to have a small group of good friends, a nice house, an idiot dog.

But I also feel stuck, and on the bad days, still just want to wrap myself in a duvet and hide forever, or worse. I've found dating hard at the best of times but really impossible now. Despite all of what i've just said, I don't feel I have anything to offer anyone. I struggle to feel how I could trust again. There's been very occasional sparks of attraction with another person which makes me feel like ok, I could fall in love, I could feel desire. Then i remember how long I've been alone and what a loser that makes me.

He got married this year to the new partner - big destination wedding abroad, then another massive party in our home town. Loads of people I know went, including one of my former friends and one of my current friends - I only found out when we were all in the pub and one of them mentioned how excited they were to go to the airport for it, and to 'see everyone'. I don't know what feels worse - that he was so completely celebrated, in public, by people who knew what I'd told them about his abuse; or that those people might think I was lying about it all.

I want a better life. I want to be be properly loved again. I'm staring down the barrel of a Christmas alone and as much as I feel like shit now I have a tiny spark of self preservation that wants better for me. I would be so grateful for any kind words, or something to kick me into action.

Op, if your friends haven't experienced emotional abuse themselves, they will not understand. Nobody gets it until they have been through it. And you know that he will turn this abuse onto his new partner, particularly now she's trapped in the marriage. You are lucky to have escaped him, and that means you already have a better life. Have you had counselling? I'd recommend reading It's not you by Dr Ramani and watching her YouTube videos. Also, you need to start by loving yourself. What are your dreams and ambitions? Make a list, make a plan. You don't need this to define you.

Ah op, honestly I feel like in some respects (obviously it's not a race to the bottom) emotional abuse can be harder to deal with in the sense that bruises heal but the impact on your self worth and who you are is so deeply affected and that changes you. Plus it can be harder to recognise and is so subversive and personal. Any type of abuse is awful though.

I went through a horrible relationship where there was significant emotional abuse and gaslighting. By the end I had genuinely nothing left to give and I didn't know who I was anymore down to what size of clothes I should wear. If you haven't been through it it can be really hard to fully grasp the depth of the impact.

It took me over 5 years to recover and I didn't have any relationships during that time I couldn't let my guard down and probably on a core level didn't feel deserving of a healthy relationship yet.

But it does get easier. I'm now really proud of the work I put in to rebuilding myself and in did fall in love again - it didn't work out but I walked away with my head held high and knowing that me and my son would be absolutely fine because I'm capable AF after where I've rebuilt from. Once you lose yourself so much and have to rebuild from scratch you're honestly stronger than ever before.

Having taken your time before jumping back into dating doesn't make you a loser - it makes you sensible and has probably been the reason why you've been able to focus on yourself the way that you have. If you're not ready, you're not ready and any decent man will understand that and you should have some grace for yourself. You've been through a significant trauma.

And yet you're still working, socialising, running a home, looking after a dog - many women would look at you and aim for that success.

The things that helped me were firstly -time, good friends who championed me and supported me, practicing positive self talk and paying attention to how far I'd come than how far I wanted to go, prioritising my own happiness to have a full life - investing in hobbies and enjoying figuring myself out again and I did a lot of volunteering with a womans dv charity and I learnt so much from the other women there. Seeing that what happened to them wasn't their fault in a roundabout way helped me to see that what happened to me wasn't my fault, just as what happened to you isn't your fault.

My ex moved on within a year and was happily married to someone he'd cheated on me with. That really galled me initially but honestly, I don't believe that someone who is that way inclined will ever have a happy/healthy relationship. Your ex is a narcissist and does an excellent job at creating an illusion but he won't sustain it long term. The people who are celebrating him who know what happened are not his real friends either. My guess is they are self serving and are more interested in what he can offer them than anything about who he is. So I wouldn't worry about them not believing you, and I certainly wouldn't be making any effort with them going forward.

My advice is keep going with therapy. It takes time to process and it can be something that you need to revisit in stages. And just be gentle with yourself. I think you should be incredibly proud of who you are and how strong you must be that you're still standing. People who are often abused tend to be highly empathetic and caring and want to see the best in people and put lots of effort into their relationship especially when things get tough. All of those show you have qualities that would make you an incredible partner - it's just finding someone who is actually deserving of YOU.

I’ve been in your situation and after a looong time, I’m coming out the other side. I hear you. It’s so so tough.

Mine is a very charismatic individual. Very successful. I lost my whole identity for many years. Some friends have been very supportive and others look at me blankly as if to say wtf?

I’ve had counselling and ADs which might help you. Talk to your GP if you need to.

I hear he still has huge anger management issues and I know that, given time, they’ll come out with his GF… especially if they get married. It’ll be like history repeating itself.

I have also started volunteering for a subsidiary of Women’s Aid, and I’m making it very plain to all and sundry what I’m doing… including him.
Its very satisfying.

I have also met someone else who I love to bits. Our first date was on the phone (end of lockdown) and we laughed and laughed. We met up and continued laughing…and we still do. He’s the polar opposite of my ex and all the better for it. I’m not sure I could ever live with someone again, but it works for us.

So… don’t give up! You WILL have a better life… but YOU need to make it. It takes time and you’re certainly allowed some duvet days along the way.

Thank-you so much for the kind words - not ashamed to say I've just had a little cry in bed. So incredible to be heard and understood; and yes, to know how far I've come.

On therapy - I've had a lot, and wrapped up my sessions with my brilliant counsellor about a year ago because we both felt we were treading over the same ground again and again; and, crucially, that I now had the tools to manage my emotions in a way I hadn't before. For example - previously I'd see or hear something about him (especially if he was being fantastically successful) and I would have a massive panic attack which would debilitate me for 48 hours. Now, it still 'sparks' me but I know what's happening and can go for a walk or clean the house, or just do some deep breathing until it passes. It still feels shite but it's different.

When I stopped counselling, I ploughed that money into a fancy gym membership (hence getting in shape) and I quite want to keep that as it's very good for my mental health. But I'll have a think about what else might be useful given that it's still a scar on my mind.

@Lavender14 Thank-you for your long reply and I'm sorry you went through it too. It's so shit and pernicious! Interestingly, one close friend I've made over this period was someone who I knew loosely before but, over a wine-fuelled chat, we realised we'd both been in emotionally abusive relationships with our exes. I knew her ex and, guess what, he was also a hyper-charismatic, successful dude too. We've had so many useful chats about what it was like to be in those impossible structures - the arguments that felt like being inside a box of mirrors; the panic attacks; the difficulty letting our guard down.

Prioritising your own happiness and enjoying figuring yourself out again is such a good way to think about it. Did you have a moment when it felt like you were coming back to yourself? I suppose I've been trying to mend myself back to what I was, but maybe I'm something different now.

@Ohyeahwaitaminute Thank-you for the pep talk in your final paragraph :) So lovely to hear that you found love and laughter on the other side of it all (if that doesn't sound too much like a greeting card).

I'm not sure in truth if there was a specific moment when I felt like I was coming back to myself because it was gradual and happened in different ways. For a while I poured everything into work and was quite low when I was by myself, then I gradually started taking better care of myself and got a pet, then I probably became a little hardened for a while - didn't want to trust anyone and my opinion on men wasn't great and then gradually that softened a bit which is when I was ready to start dating again. It's been about 15 years now and honestly I don't really feel anything when I think about my ex and I don't really think about him often at all. I feel pretty fulfilled in my life and I guess it just feels like it has no power over me any more if that makes any sort of sense but that was all really, really gradual. I just feel like such a completely different person now that if I saw him in the street I think I'd feel like he didn't know a thing about me and I guess there's a freedom in that. I definitely used to kind of mourn who I was before, but the person I am now is probably better equipped for the world and its helped me to help others so I'm OK with that as I've got my sense of fun back.

Having a good cry is very cathartic @greengreenwalls.

What I’ve found helpful going forward is the love and support of friends and family, meditation (I do live online sessions as I need to be accountable…) and exercise. I do a form of dance which ‘shakes it all out’ too.

I volunteer which in itself makes you feel wanted and needed (and so many charities are desperate for volunteers). It’s very easy to retract back into yourself and forcing yourself out there does help.

Therapy and ADs helped for 4-5 years, but I’m on my own now.

My DBro said the other week that he could see that I’m still ‘mending’ but did point out just how far I’d come. I think we focus on the ‘moving forward’ bit so much that we forget just how far we’ve come.

You’re doing well and don’t forget to congratulate yourself on your progress.
🥰

You’re doing brilliantly and don’t let others actions or lack of understanding affect that!
I’d really recommend a book called Know your worth by Anna Mathur. Part of what helped me was learning that your view of self worth can/has been changed by what you have been through and that you need to rebuild yourself slowly to understand that your sense of self comes from you.
I also found journaling really helpful for understanding where my feelings were coming from and then what I could do to tame my own negative self talk.
For me it’s was a slow road but I got there in the end and now have a lovely DP, the fact you are even considering dating shows just how much progress you have already made towards healing.

@Ohyeahwaitaminute Thanks so much. What you said about moving forward vs how far we've come really struck a chord. I think in the few years after the pandemic, I felt really proud of myself for having clawed my way through all of this (bc yes, all of this happened through covid and the lockdowns) but now, in 2024, I feel I should be 'over' it? But I guess it's always a work in progress. Also a good reminder to get out there and not just be a sad snail.

I do meditation through yoga - not ashamed to say I had a few sessions in the early years where I just would silently cry through downward dog; very embarrassing but my instructors were always lovely.

sw thank you @Ginandthings - thanks for the book rec. It's funny isn't it - I see MN relationship threads all the time where the OP asks what seems to be an obvious question and everyone gives very good answers, and the OP is always like 'OMG thank-you, that's so obvious but I'd never thought of it that way'. Anyway, that's me reading you saying that it's about self-worth because of course it is, but I hadn't thought of it like that.

It's bullshit that so many of us have been through this but I'm grateful we can learn from it.

I went on a course run by my local Women's Aid for women who had experienced any form of domestic abuse. My ex only threatened me after we had split, but was emotionally, financially and (as I learned on the course) sexually abusive.

The women who had been beaten and emotionally abused, all said they preferred being beaten. Their reasoning was that they knew that rhe violence would eventually stop and they would have some respite whilst they healed, whilst the emotional abuse just kept going. I remember being quite shocked at that. I don't think we give the weight to the impact of emotional abuse.

What I learned and the understanding I gained from the course was invaluable. It was the thing that enabled me to make sense of what had happened and unlocked my recovery. Can I suggest you find out if there's anything similar where you are?

@greengreenwalls
My eyes still…erm… ‘leak’ a lot when I meditate some days.

It was the first lockdown that prevented me from leaving my abusive EXH and as soon as things opened up a bit, I got out.

The relief was amazing but getting through the next 12-18 months on my own was HARD work. Don’t underestimate the effect that would have had on you.

(Sounds like our timing was similar)

@unsync you know, I had never actually thought of going on one of those courses because I assumed they were only for 'properly' abused women :/ Do you know how I would find one? The women's aid website is a bit impenetrable. And what kind of things did they cover? Very pleased it helped you.

I 1000% believe that emotional abuse is differently worse (like you say, it's not a competition). I have one single example of his behaviour which was so shameful that I could barely deal with it at the time and hate to talk about it now - basically, we 'agreed' I wasn't tidying the house enough, so I had a timer on my phone to go off at which point I would run around and tidy. I felt like a fucking dog. Of course the timer went off when friends were over which - I can't even describe the humiliation (I didn't explain to them what was happening but I knew and he knew). Which is to say, I've used that example when I've tried to describe to people what happened, but honestly there was stuff that was worse and yet harder to actually articulate.

The one book I found which helped me make sense of it was 'In The Dream House' by Carmen Maria Machado, which is about her relationship with an abusive ex-girlfriend. I gave it to the friend mentioned up thread who said that it was the best book she'd ever read on emotional abuse, and she never wanted to read it again.

@Ohyeahwaitaminute I'm sorry that lockdown meant you had to stay longer - can't imagine how hard that would have been. Perhaps the only bright spot from the pandemic for me was that I moved out just before everything hit - meant I was in unstable housing for a bit but I would rather have had that. I remember texting a friend sometime in - 2021? - who'd never liked my ex, and saying (in the middle of the winter lockdowns, when everything was beyond shit) how amazing it felt to come home and not be walking on eggshells :) Glad you got through it all.

@greengreenwalls At the time, I didn't think I was 'properly' abused either. I didn't realise that being molested and more when you were asleep was sexual abuse. You just get so conditioned to it, awful when you think about it, isn't it?

Anyway, have a look here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/ and put your locality in. It should come up with all the services in your area. Or just Google search Women's Aid + your area to bring up what's available. Then email or ring them. They prioritise women who are in immediate danger (rightly so) therefore you may need to wait a bit.

I think what you’re looking for is this:
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You can do it online or in person. (I started in person and then- thanks to Covid, I started again online).

It’s very instructive and being among others that have gone through something similar is helpful too…

(although we shouldn’t bl**dy be in this flippin situation in the first place.)