To think this isn't normal re parents?

[PanAmHostess]

Hi
I've been thinking alot about parents and relationships. Now people say parents are over involved etc
I was an 80s baby born to 50s parents. I feel like our relationship is or has been odd. My mother used to ignore us or shout at us. I could never tell her anything as the reaction was terrifying. I went to uni the same city I grew up in. My parents would call in the halls every weekend. I think that's a bit odd and prob alienated me a bit really.
As time went on and I got my own house they used to call round a lot. Once I had done a hike and asked them not to call as I was knackered but they still did. Well come in for 10 mins and all of that. It's like I've been programmed to tell them everything.
I got married when I didn't want too as they told me to keep quiet and not moan as they were paying for it. I was such a fool. Is this normal??

No.

I'm also an 80’s baby to 50’s parents.

No, none of this could be at all described as normal, let alone parent behaviour. That is the behaviour of dysfunctional and otherwise abusive and controlling parents who taught you to put their needs first with your own dead last.

None of this is your fault; this is all on them. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose to do what was likely done to them as children as well. What if anything do you know about their family backgrounds; this often gives clues.

Do you see them these days?. I hope you have got a lot of physical and mental distance between you and them now. You owe them nothing, let alone a relationship here. Have a read also of the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Same but think I was and still am just ignored and the grandchild, so never over involved.

Same here

Not "normal" but I'd guess there were quite a few of us from this era who had similar parents.

I was petrified of my parents as their reactions to things were so extreme.

Ignored me when I needed their help and interfered when I didn't.

It's taken me years to pick apart and actually realise that this behaviour had a negative effect on me - only realised through a lot of therapy.

It might be worth doing some talking therapy to see if it helps you come to terms with it.

Thanks. I actually feel like it's only in the past few years I've been able to make my own decisions. I see my parents in law and they're not like this at all! It's like I wasn't given the skills to grow up really.

I'm a 50s parent with an 80s daughter. What you describe is not normal.

My mum is similar and my dad is scared of her I think. She's never apologised to any of us in our lives for her behaviour. Silent treatment was common in my childhood. I remember not being allowed in her room during the night or when she was having a lie in and spending lots of nights scared in my bed and my brothers and I seeking comfort after nightmares in each other. Even now, every situation is centred around her wants and needs. I'm lucky my brothers and I are so close and we can see all of her failings and strengths. It scares me sometimes because when I'm feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed with work/kids I can hear her voice coming out of my mouth which is something I honestly thought would never happen. I do feel like I understand her slightly better now I'm a working parent myself but some things I know were really bad.

I'm an 80s child with 50s parents. That is absolutely not normal.

DM has on several occasions during my life (and not when a wedding was imminent! I'm not married) told me that she's telling me what her DM told her - if I do get married, and have any doubts beforehand 'even if you've got the dress on and the car is outside' and feel I don't want to then all I have to do is to tell her or DF and they'll deal with it, so I don't have to.

God I wish I had that. Its the constantly pushing the boundaries all the time. They want to know about relationships and plans etc. Why would they want to know that ?!?

I'm a working parent too and have been a single parent in the past and it was back breaking. I really try not to make the same mistakes. I hope I'm easier to talk to for sure.

I don't necessarily think an era defines good or bad parents, any more than it defines good or bad people. A mother who shouts/ignores could easily have been born in the year 2000. I wouldn't say that calling round to see you in your new house (even when uninvited) was particularly weird and wacky behaviour for parents either. I'm afraid sticking your nose in (to a greater or lesser degree) does kind of go with parenting territory and most parents are guilty of it. However, telling you to keep quiet about the wedding was obviously awful.

No not normal, I'm similar age to you with 50s born parents.

My parents were very loving and quite laid back. Probably a bit less disciplinarian than average in the 80s but your parents definitely sound extreme.

Late 70s child of laid back 1940s father and overbearing 1950s mother.

Moved out at 17, bought own house at 19. Mother pretty much never visited, dad would come and help with renovations. Moved to London. Didn’t see them from one month to the next. Moved home, they moved away. Then back. Now in my 40s, teen DD sees them 3 times a fortnight. I can go 6 months without seeing my mother. I might see my dad once a fortnight when he drops DD back.

It wasn't a new house and I didn't want visitors. I do not like being cojaled into things.

Me too. No one I know in my age group behaves as you're describing. Read Attilla's message and work out how to distance yourself from these people.

And they always wanted to know the ins and outs of my friends lives. Sorry. Who cares